Orphans

I was given Orphan duty while my hands healed.. I did not mine really.. I love kids. so Mother and I made a big batch of honeycakes and candies for me to that the next morning.. On my way to Noya's wagon I stopped and got Cana's sons and then stopped and got Thirsty.. that way the parents can get done what they need to.

Thirsty has decided that he is my guard.. I find it very cute.. and I was so honor.. He tagged along right beside me the entire day.. He said it was so I did not get lost.. Cana had also sent along her girls to help.. and boy they had their hands full..

Breakfast was first on the agenda.. fried eggs and bosk strips and toast with honey.. After we got them all feed and dressed for the day.. we played games.. and told stories.. and they even got me to sing... They did not seem to mind that I was a little off key..

I had brought some old leather patches with me and handed them out to the older kids.. and let them sew.. Some showed some interest in being a leatherworker.. others wanted to paint or draw.. or make things.. I could see some of our future with this little ones.. Each one will have a home if its the last thing I do.. I will make sure of it..

Noya's kids are dolls.. So many kids.. but there was Thirsty right there next to me. his little hand held mine most the day and he did not get to far.. I think the fire has scared quite a few of them.. Some asked when their mommies would be coming. I did not know how to answer that.. what do you say to a child. The skies felt they wanted your mommies and daddies and took them? I think I will let Noya handle those questions.. :grins:

When the day was done and Noya and my mother returned.. I gathered those I brought and dropped them off with the parents. I got a big smooch from Thirsty.. and his parents seems relived that he had someone that would watch him while they tried to salavage what they could..

Mother and I headed back to the wagon.. for some quiet time.. It was not long before I looked over and she was fast asleep.. I covered her with a blanket and then sat and watched the stars

Someone to Talk To..

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I was so happy for Seve when she told him that Ayg had set a brideprice.. I know she wanted this more than anything in the world.. but she has changed.. she actually has changed little by little since the day she submitted to him.. And now that he has claimed her, I do not see the old Seve there anymore..

I guess this is the compromise I hear about when you get claimed.. YOU compromise and become that they want.. When he is not around she is looking for him.. when he is around she is almost in his lap..I gave up trying to drag her off for adventures.. I do not know how to talk to her anymore.. every word out of her mouth is about Fonce.. its like an obsession.. I love them both dearly.. but this is not what I expected to happen when he claimed her... I thought things would go on as they had.. We would still be able to go off and have fun.. but that was not to be..

I don't think I will be so obesessive or possestive when I mate.. I would like an equal balance of my life.. I refuse to give up who I am to be what he wants.. I am at a loss as to what to do.. I know she thinks I am mad at her.. but its not that.. Maybe once the newness wears off she will go back to being Seve. instead of Fonce's mate..

Myabe I did not think of the consequences of her mating.. maybe this is how its suspose to be.. at his call always.. Being an old verr handler is sounding better and better each day..

I miss my friend.. I really do.. but I will not get between her and Fonce.. I will not make her think she has to make a choice.. I am perfectly capable of being alone..

I wish it would rain... its so darn hot.. But we are on the move.. finally.. something to keep my mind busy... Sam is going to be driving our team of wagons.. my hands are not quite ready to take the wear and tear of the reins.. My other brothers have moved closer to the 1st fire wagons... I think the death of Ord has made them all realize what we have and how we must preseve it.. Its Mother now.. and the boys and me.. We are all she has.. and we will take care of her..

Cracked and Broken

For days now I have worn a mask that covered my feelings... I had to be strong..I could not let anyone see that I was weak with sorry..for me for my family and especially for the tribe.. I was not the only one that lost someone or something... There were many things lost during this fire... love was lost, lives were lost.. precious things people had taken a lifetime to save.. all lost.. in a flash of the flame our lives had changed.. it had marked us all in one way or another.

I still had not seen Tasco to ask about his father.. I have tried to keep a distance from him... I do not feel he thinks as I do.. at least not about some things.. he is a distant man.. he does not show how he is feeling very often.. I don't know if Asria is still feeding him every night.. so I left a pot of stew and some bread for him.. I also took some to his brother and mate.. and there was an older woman there.. Not sure who she was....

I had to visit my elders... to make sure they were getting along also.. Megda was helping some of the mothers with their children.. she had a wagon full when I went to see how she was.. She gave me a verbal list of things needed by some families. I would make sure that I let the clan leaders know of the need.

I went off to find Ephraim.. He had been burnt just a little trying to help another family gather all their little ones and get out.. His wagon made it through with the others.. He hugged me tight when he saw me.. and his words of encourgement over the loss of my brother.. I kept my mask on as he spoke... My back stiffened as I drew all the strenght I had not to fall apart right there and then.. I asked if he needed anything or repairs.. but he said someone from the clan had already fixed his tarp.. and he had all he needed..

There were many others I spoke to and made sure they were alright.. it was good to see so many had made it through..

It was late when I finally got back to my own wagon.. I had not eaten anything all day and did not feel much like eating.. I looked at my hands... the blisters had broken and were bleeding.. I kept them as clean as I could.. and used that salve that Silken had given me.. The wraps were just in the way.. I probably should have kept them.. but they hindered my work..

I thought I was pretty much alone... and I left alone.. inside and out.. as slowly the mask began to crack... the tears ran down my face but I could utter no sound.. I was fearful if I did I would weep.. and not be able to control it.. Seve seemed to appear out of nowhere and soon was sitting at my side.. I felt like an weak woman. and my fathers words rushed to my head.. Weak.. nothing... slave.. It no longer mattered as I laid my head on her shoulder and just cried.. All the emotions I was feeling just flowed out like blood from a cut.. I had to pull myself back into one piece.. as she spoke I was able to corral all those feelings and place them back in that jar.. I am not weak.. I have to be strong for everyone..

I soon went to my furs.. but sleep did not come easy.. if at all.. it was dark.. and I felt so very alone..

Mother

My mother is still a beautiful woman.. her heart and soul are hurting right now.. but underneath all her pain lies a careful, loving and fun woman.. I remember as a child she and I use to play games together while we would wait for my father and brothers to come back to the fires.. She had so much inside her I wonder if she gave it all up as my father grew more and more unstable.. Did she hide it away? Is it still there hidden beneath layers of life?

I have not told her yet what exactly happened to father.. not that I know for sure but I do not think he is ever coming back... I do not want her to hold on to that hope and let life pass her by.. I do not want to see her become an old woman before her time. Ord and his mate and child's death took a toll on my mothers mind.. I do not think she has actually grasped that they are not coming back either.. I brought back a hide from his wagon and some little trinkets I found that were his.. There was not very much left.. Sam said to give her time.. my other brothers are just silent.. I will give her some time.. and then she has to get on with life... She is needed at the clan.. there is much work to be done.. and we need all the hands we can get.. She is a wonderful leatherworker.. and it will keep her mind busy...

One more Search

I went back to the ruins alone.. I tried to think of those no longer here when I step past their ruins.. an old woman that always gave me a piece of candy to chase away the tears.. the old warrior that tried to teach me to dance. Some of my elders had not made it.. I can only hope theirs was a swift and painless death.. Most of them had gotten out with the others.. those I will cherish even more..

I got closer to my families place on the line.. or where it would have been.. I am sure it was just a trick of the mind.. but I heard it.. "Come back to make sure I am dead Girl?" I turned quickly but I did not see anything.. "Oh I am dead alright.. you made sure of that didn't you. I knew you were weak... you do not have the power to be the good little tuchuk woman like your Mother was

"Gonna get on your knees.. oh I see you with that warrior.. he only wants one thing from you girl.. and you will give it won't you.. thats all you will ever amount to.. I think I could feel his smirk. it was like all the evil that lived inside my father had taken on a voice in my head.. were these my thoughts my fears.. I stomped my boot on the dead grass beneath my feet.. NO! I am not like that.. You may have tried to make me weak... but all you did was make me fearful but strong.. My knees touch the ground for no warrior.. You will see old dead man.. I lifed my clenched fist to the skies.. You will see! Stay out of my head old dead man.. And I headed towards my brothers wagons... I wanted one of those hides.. for my mother.. to show her that while Ordd had died.. he remembered to hide under something wet..

Fire on the Plains

In my entire life.. which is young still I know, I have never seen so much destruction and death.. We all did what we could.. getting those wagons out of the camp.. the young the elderly..our families. I only got hollared at once.. when I took water to those in the trenches.. I was not thinking of danger to myself but only to get them wet rags to quench their skin and water to quench their throats..

We lost my mothers wagon.. all her possesions are gone.. I am going back again to see if I can salavage anything for her.. right now she is numb with sorrow.. We lost Ordd and his mate.. and the only grandchild that would never be..

We had gone to the ruins to see what we could find that was still usable.. Seve and I got separated.. I was looking for Ordd's wagon.. He was not with my other brothers.. and no one had seen him or his mate..

I wanted to just throw up when I finally found our old row.. and there my heart nearly stopped.. I saw he shell of his burnt out wagon.. the back wheel had sunk down and was caught.. I stood there afraid to move when Ayg showed up behind me. I told him that was my brothers wagon.. all that was left was the shell and a pile of wet hides.. He said he would send in men to search for to search for.. bodies.. I knew I did not want to see.. Maybe if you do not see it its not real? Maybe that was what I had hoped for.. but the men had come back... I could not hear everything. but the bodies had been found together under the hides.. Smoke had killed them at least and not the fires.. I said I would speak to my brothers.. and I did.. they all agreed to have Ordd's family placed with the others that died on that day so they may all travel together.. It was fitting.. my heart hurts at the lose.. Sam was going to tell Mother.. she had so much loss recently.. My father now my brother and her first grandchild. I can not let this weight me down.. there is much work to do to prepare for the move.

My hands are bandaged right now.. but I have managed to work with the leather.. to help the clan make new tarps and try to repair those we can..

Tasco's father is also missing. I spoke to him at the stream where i was soaking my hands in the cold water.. He was catching his second wind I think..And left not soon afterwards... Maybe it was just me..or the fire but he seemed in a hurry to get back.. Maybe I have offended him and did not realize it.. but I do not have the time to dwell on it.

My Hopes and Dreams

I suspose everyone has hopes and dreams.. I do as well.. while some have been crushed and put to the side.. but one underlying dream never seems to leave my thoughts.

I would one day love to be a mother... to hold a child to listen to his breath as I lay him against my shoulder.. to watch him grow into a strong and worthy warrior.. I guess I am no different than any other woman of the plains.. except for one thing..I am not sure how one actually goes about doing that.. I mean do you walk up to a warrior and go. hey I like you I want to get to know you better.. and then maybe if you like me we can you know... If it were that easy I would have already wrestled Tasco to the ground and said all that.. but its not easy.. its just not.. I am so glad this book is private.. here I can say I just melt inside when he looks at me with thosde coppery eyes.. that smirk... my toes curl... but he will never know that.. nope.. why give anyone an edge.. I have found that the less I say or think the less trouble I get into..

But I regress.. What else do I want... well.. Its a small thing I know. but I sure would like to know when to know something I say has a totally different meaning that what I said.. :grins: