Cracked and Broken

For days now I have worn a mask that covered my feelings... I had to be strong..I could not let anyone see that I was weak with sorry..for me for my family and especially for the tribe.. I was not the only one that lost someone or something... There were many things lost during this fire... love was lost, lives were lost.. precious things people had taken a lifetime to save.. all lost.. in a flash of the flame our lives had changed.. it had marked us all in one way or another.

I still had not seen Tasco to ask about his father.. I have tried to keep a distance from him... I do not feel he thinks as I do.. at least not about some things.. he is a distant man.. he does not show how he is feeling very often.. I don't know if Asria is still feeding him every night.. so I left a pot of stew and some bread for him.. I also took some to his brother and mate.. and there was an older woman there.. Not sure who she was....

I had to visit my elders... to make sure they were getting along also.. Megda was helping some of the mothers with their children.. she had a wagon full when I went to see how she was.. She gave me a verbal list of things needed by some families. I would make sure that I let the clan leaders know of the need.

I went off to find Ephraim.. He had been burnt just a little trying to help another family gather all their little ones and get out.. His wagon made it through with the others.. He hugged me tight when he saw me.. and his words of encourgement over the loss of my brother.. I kept my mask on as he spoke... My back stiffened as I drew all the strenght I had not to fall apart right there and then.. I asked if he needed anything or repairs.. but he said someone from the clan had already fixed his tarp.. and he had all he needed..

There were many others I spoke to and made sure they were alright.. it was good to see so many had made it through..

It was late when I finally got back to my own wagon.. I had not eaten anything all day and did not feel much like eating.. I looked at my hands... the blisters had broken and were bleeding.. I kept them as clean as I could.. and used that salve that Silken had given me.. The wraps were just in the way.. I probably should have kept them.. but they hindered my work..

I thought I was pretty much alone... and I left alone.. inside and out.. as slowly the mask began to crack... the tears ran down my face but I could utter no sound.. I was fearful if I did I would weep.. and not be able to control it.. Seve seemed to appear out of nowhere and soon was sitting at my side.. I felt like an weak woman. and my fathers words rushed to my head.. Weak.. nothing... slave.. It no longer mattered as I laid my head on her shoulder and just cried.. All the emotions I was feeling just flowed out like blood from a cut.. I had to pull myself back into one piece.. as she spoke I was able to corral all those feelings and place them back in that jar.. I am not weak.. I have to be strong for everyone..

I soon went to my furs.. but sleep did not come easy.. if at all.. it was dark.. and I felt so very alone..