Weary

I am tired.. really tired.. This is the first time I have actually taken the reins of a wagon.. Normally I rode with my mother or one of my brothers.. but now I am semi on my own.. And I am tired.. My arms ache, my back aches.. my mind is so full of questions that will go unanswered for their will never be asked.. so my head hurts.

So far I have not lost any of the elderly.. but we have lost to very good men.. neither I really knew but knew of.. Tarra's mate and Seve's father.. There are never words you can say that can make them feel better.. no amount of hugs can take away the hurt and lonliness.. and certainly saying I understand is a lie unless you have walked in their boots. I can not even pretend to understand death.. I know its a part of life.. usually the end of it.. but it does happen to all of us..

It was a hard day for me yesterday.. I don't think anyone noticed.. I struggled to understand things... I laughed when they laughed.. but there is so much confusion within myself.. that I left feeling very lost. My parents love and protection have not given me a real aspect of how fast life moves.. How aware you have to be of everything and everyone... The interactions between people is daunting.. and then there are the warriors.. No longer protected by my seven brothers.. out there in the open.. I feel that bubble growing bigger and bigger.. So tonight I will not venture to the fires.. tonight I will lay on my furs.. and look at the skies from the back of my wagon.. I will think of what lies ahead of us.. not just the journey but everything else.. I pulled out part of Tarra's task and worked the tiny beading as I prepared for sleep..

Its funny how you hear things.. and it changes your entire perspective on how to proceed on something.. Yes I am learning so much from the First Fires.. I am learning all is not how it appears.. I am learning how friends are and who you need to keep close to you.. Not that I have any foes.. but something was said.. it was hurtful but I will never say anything to anyone about it.. I was not meant to hear it I know that.. but it has changed alot in how I think and feel.. It will affect everything I say and more than that.. it will affect how I act... it is time to grow up a little more.. get a thicker skin as they say.. and to never never let my feelings be known again.. I have dishonored my father and brothers once again.. but this time.. I told my father what happened...and he understood.. There were no harsh words no whippings.. a kiss from him to my forehead.. as he whispered my daughter is learning the hard way our life.. Just watch your actions and your words.. it will be alright.

Wise words and ones I will cling to..