What We Lost

I laid awake in my wagon, thinking back on the fire. We as a tribe lost a great deal.. but gained even more.. Its had to tell who we say we are sorry for your loss and harder to figure out where to start. Before the fire even began we lost Ba'tar.

Then the fire.. Tacso lost his father.. We lost Magda.. an elder, Zehpram an elder, my brother Ord his companion and his unborn child.. Thousands were lost in the sudden fire.. yet some have focus'd only on their own loss.. We as a tribe have gained strength in each other.. we came together as one to fight the fire.. We did not run.. we stayed til the bitter end... and then we stayed and cleaned up. mourned for our dead.. and moved to better grass..

I was grateful that Ongel, Seve and Tasco were there when Cloud threw me.. I am grateful that Tasco gave up his wagon for a night or two so that my wagon could be cleaned of my mothers things.. and hers moved into a new wagon Cana gave us.. so that I might have a place to heal.. I am grateful for Noni and my mother who never once left my side as I slept in the borrowed wagon. And for Seve standing guard.. I am grateful that Ongel sent information to the Ubar of my condition and where he had be resting. So many things outweight the sadness we all felt.

I am sure the rumor mills will be working overtime if Ongel had not let someone know that He placed me within the wagon of Tasco.. after Tasco so kindly offered it.. I felt the eyes on me that first night I was awake and sitting on his step with my mother and Noni and those vicious wheels of discontent began their unwavering stroll..But I did not let it bother me... For it is said that small people have small minds.. let the women wag their tongues.. I can sit on my own steps and enjoy the sounds of life building back up around us.

Nightmares and Men

I could not sleep.. my head was just filled with so much we had spoken about.. I grabbed my furs and headed out to the steps to sit and watch the stars... and think.

I guess Tasco had the same thought. he looked at me and I looked at him. I said I was sorry for my words that it was wrong that I embarrass him.. he said the same thing.. I just had made him realize something he already knew but had buried it..

He explained in detail why and what happened to cause this "code" to come into being. I sat and listened to him and then it all made more sense..

I don't think he could have endeared me anymore to him as I listened.. I hope that he is able to come from the edge..

Maybe then we can get to know each other a little better..

What I Want!

After the fires conversation hit bottom.. I left for my wagons.. Tasco stalked off somewhere to lick his wounds.. We did not understand.. Oh I understood just fine.. he wants the cake and eat it.. and all the trimmings with no emotional ties.. Just like some men

Well here is what I want.. and need.. A partner.. a warrior that will love me and only me.. care for me as I would him.. Not to be pampered and set on some shelve.. or to be his brood mare... but to share.. everything.. each deep dark secret.. two lives bound into one.. Is that out there? I am not so sure anymore..

I will wait.. I have all the time in the world.. and in no hurry.. I thought I knew something and I really didn't. So its not my time.. I will not change my values to match someone elses. They are mine and mine alone...

I have not turned off what I feel for him.. but now I see that he does not feel the same way.. If we are to be friends.. so be it. .. if he wants more.. he has to be willing to get off that edge he speaks of.. for I will not give another inch..

I heard and saw quite a bit at the fires tonight.. and perhaps I said to much and asked the wrong questions.. but there was a purpose.. a simple one.. but I wanted to make our ride special.. to see if there was something I could do to make it so.. but now I see that no matter what I had done.. it would have been special to me.. to him it was a meal.. not a snack.. :snorts: posions peaches indeed... a good swat with the pot more like it..

And she went to bed with a throbbing head... from the tension.. and would not sleep well at all..

The Code

I don't know what he was talking about. some code.. something that kept his emotions all bottled up inside..I told him that was the dumbest thing I had ever head.. Code and edge.. skies.. what is he hiding from...

And then by accident I fell right into.. it.. he was afraid.. and so I said.. you must be one of those men that think women weaken you.. I saw a storm in his eyes.. and he then said.. I am gonna leave.. and off he went..

Did I strik a nerve? Is that this was about?

A woman and a man together are not weak.. Unless she is a prissy.. needs to have everydone for her type woman.. But the right combination in my opinion only make the man stronger..

I watched him leave as I headed to my wagon. Now my head was really throbbing..

Aftermath

It has not been the best of times for me lately... I burnt my hands pretty good helping with the fire.. and just as they were healing.. I was thrown and crack my skull open and broke an arm,.. If I were a bosk I am sure I would be a fur on someones floor about now.. Glad I am not.. :smirks:

Tasco's wagon is larger than mine.. I am not sure why they rested me there.. maybe it was cause my mother was busy with the move.. and my wagon is full of verr and furs and my mothers things.. there is little room to do anything but sleep.. Cana has given my Mother a wagon but we have not had time to get everything moved.

I can say here that I do not feel well.. My head is still throbbing.. my sight is hazy and feel I am in a fog sometimes.. But I have not told anyone that nor am I.. we have way to much to get done.. and I do not need anyone to worry about me.. I will get better... just takes time..

Ayg suggested that for rumors sake I should move back to my wagon.. I will probably sleep on the bench.. I am not making my mother move everything by herself.. I wanted to lift Tasco's fur.. but I think he would realize it was missing.. Its the softest things I have ever slept on.. I wanted it.. but I was not in a position to borrow it.

Ayg carried me to the stream last night so I could sit with everyone.. Hell by the time I walked there they would have been heading back.. And he had two of his guards bring me back to my wagon.. My mother was being a mother and said she would sleep with one of the boys until I felt better.. It then dawned on me.. she could have my brothers move all her things.. They are doing nothing much except running and patrols. and digging.. and drinking..

I suggested that to her. So maybe today they will get that done..

I want to go to the streams so bad and just take a bath.. dunk my head under the water and wash my hair.. its caked with blood still. I think I will do that tonight.. I wonder how I can wash it with stitches there.. Oh well I will figure it out..

Bloodied and Banged Up..

Cloud had been in a snit all day.. I probably should have not ridden him but there was no room on the wagon.. He kept trying to nip my legs. No matter how many times I swatted him.. He was already agitated.. I saw Seve watching with that smirk on her face.. I waved to her and she came over.. Asking what was wrong with Cloud.. I figured he was either hot. hungry or just being a brat..

I know sometimes I can be blunt.. but then I asked her are we still friends.. I knew the moment my tears started and she got that hurt expression that I had been wrong all along.. We got that taken care of.. and then moved on to other things..like the orphans and what we could do when we stopped.. And then I told her about the caves I had heard about.. ohh that perked her interest.. we will be exploring those one of the nice days when we get North..

Out of nowhere things started to fly.. wood metal.. there was a loud noise that spooked Cloud.. I had turned for a moment to see what happened when he reared up violently and threw me across the trail.. I stuck out my arm to try and break the fall.. but all I felt was a snap and then pain.. I must had landed on a rock laying on the ground.. it knocked the wind right out of me... I laid there a ehn or two then tried to get up.. but my head was spinning and throbbing.. I just laid right back down..

Seve came running over and I could see blookd seeping throught the leather near her arm.. She was bleeding.. I heard her ask me if I was ok.. and I think I said its just a scratch.. I don;t remember really.. And then she paled.. she had placed her hand under my head for a cushion.. and came up bloody.. I figured it was her arm.. but she stood up and was calling for a healer.. the nerve she told me to stay like i was some kind of sleen pup.. as she ran off.. I tried to get to my feet.. my head was like getting ready to explode.. but I was not gonna say anything.. We are a strong breed.. pain is not suspose to stop us...

I guess she must have seen me try and stand and she hollared at me.. from where she was.. I bet the warriors that ride the skies heard her.. Stubborn woman I heard her say.. She and Ongel were at my side.. I was not sure what all the fuss was about.
I was mad that Cloud took it upon himself to just throw me.. I think I said that..

After that I don't remember much of what happened. Someone was talking to me about stew.. and Tasco.. but my memory is a jumble.. I remember saying I wanted to take a nap.. but I could hear voices talking to me... I had to stay awake.. the pain was making me just want to sleep.. I knew if I could just sleep I would feel better.

I felt someone lift me up.. and carried me somewhere.. and then I felt the softest fur beneath me.. I was thinking oh finally I can sleep... but no.. Now a woman was taking to me.. I think I heard Tasco as well.. but He is looking for his father.. no. no. . He said he found his father... noo I remember.. His father did not make it... Can I sleep now Noni? Yes that was her name... I remember her from when I brought over some stew and bread for his family...Oh no.. I have to make more stew.. I tried to sit back up.. but someone placed there hand on me and pushed me back.. I knew that scent.. it was my Mother.. she was here.. she and Noni were talking.. like I was not there... I just want to sleep.. Can I sleep now?.

Yes Yamka.. you may sleep..

Orphans

I was given Orphan duty while my hands healed.. I did not mine really.. I love kids. so Mother and I made a big batch of honeycakes and candies for me to that the next morning.. On my way to Noya's wagon I stopped and got Cana's sons and then stopped and got Thirsty.. that way the parents can get done what they need to.

Thirsty has decided that he is my guard.. I find it very cute.. and I was so honor.. He tagged along right beside me the entire day.. He said it was so I did not get lost.. Cana had also sent along her girls to help.. and boy they had their hands full..

Breakfast was first on the agenda.. fried eggs and bosk strips and toast with honey.. After we got them all feed and dressed for the day.. we played games.. and told stories.. and they even got me to sing... They did not seem to mind that I was a little off key..

I had brought some old leather patches with me and handed them out to the older kids.. and let them sew.. Some showed some interest in being a leatherworker.. others wanted to paint or draw.. or make things.. I could see some of our future with this little ones.. Each one will have a home if its the last thing I do.. I will make sure of it..

Noya's kids are dolls.. So many kids.. but there was Thirsty right there next to me. his little hand held mine most the day and he did not get to far.. I think the fire has scared quite a few of them.. Some asked when their mommies would be coming. I did not know how to answer that.. what do you say to a child. The skies felt they wanted your mommies and daddies and took them? I think I will let Noya handle those questions.. :grins:

When the day was done and Noya and my mother returned.. I gathered those I brought and dropped them off with the parents. I got a big smooch from Thirsty.. and his parents seems relived that he had someone that would watch him while they tried to salavage what they could..

Mother and I headed back to the wagon.. for some quiet time.. It was not long before I looked over and she was fast asleep.. I covered her with a blanket and then sat and watched the stars

Someone to Talk To..

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I was so happy for Seve when she told him that Ayg had set a brideprice.. I know she wanted this more than anything in the world.. but she has changed.. she actually has changed little by little since the day she submitted to him.. And now that he has claimed her, I do not see the old Seve there anymore..

I guess this is the compromise I hear about when you get claimed.. YOU compromise and become that they want.. When he is not around she is looking for him.. when he is around she is almost in his lap..I gave up trying to drag her off for adventures.. I do not know how to talk to her anymore.. every word out of her mouth is about Fonce.. its like an obsession.. I love them both dearly.. but this is not what I expected to happen when he claimed her... I thought things would go on as they had.. We would still be able to go off and have fun.. but that was not to be..

I don't think I will be so obesessive or possestive when I mate.. I would like an equal balance of my life.. I refuse to give up who I am to be what he wants.. I am at a loss as to what to do.. I know she thinks I am mad at her.. but its not that.. Maybe once the newness wears off she will go back to being Seve. instead of Fonce's mate..

Myabe I did not think of the consequences of her mating.. maybe this is how its suspose to be.. at his call always.. Being an old verr handler is sounding better and better each day..

I miss my friend.. I really do.. but I will not get between her and Fonce.. I will not make her think she has to make a choice.. I am perfectly capable of being alone..

I wish it would rain... its so darn hot.. But we are on the move.. finally.. something to keep my mind busy... Sam is going to be driving our team of wagons.. my hands are not quite ready to take the wear and tear of the reins.. My other brothers have moved closer to the 1st fire wagons... I think the death of Ord has made them all realize what we have and how we must preseve it.. Its Mother now.. and the boys and me.. We are all she has.. and we will take care of her..

Cracked and Broken

For days now I have worn a mask that covered my feelings... I had to be strong..I could not let anyone see that I was weak with sorry..for me for my family and especially for the tribe.. I was not the only one that lost someone or something... There were many things lost during this fire... love was lost, lives were lost.. precious things people had taken a lifetime to save.. all lost.. in a flash of the flame our lives had changed.. it had marked us all in one way or another.

I still had not seen Tasco to ask about his father.. I have tried to keep a distance from him... I do not feel he thinks as I do.. at least not about some things.. he is a distant man.. he does not show how he is feeling very often.. I don't know if Asria is still feeding him every night.. so I left a pot of stew and some bread for him.. I also took some to his brother and mate.. and there was an older woman there.. Not sure who she was....

I had to visit my elders... to make sure they were getting along also.. Megda was helping some of the mothers with their children.. she had a wagon full when I went to see how she was.. She gave me a verbal list of things needed by some families. I would make sure that I let the clan leaders know of the need.

I went off to find Ephraim.. He had been burnt just a little trying to help another family gather all their little ones and get out.. His wagon made it through with the others.. He hugged me tight when he saw me.. and his words of encourgement over the loss of my brother.. I kept my mask on as he spoke... My back stiffened as I drew all the strenght I had not to fall apart right there and then.. I asked if he needed anything or repairs.. but he said someone from the clan had already fixed his tarp.. and he had all he needed..

There were many others I spoke to and made sure they were alright.. it was good to see so many had made it through..

It was late when I finally got back to my own wagon.. I had not eaten anything all day and did not feel much like eating.. I looked at my hands... the blisters had broken and were bleeding.. I kept them as clean as I could.. and used that salve that Silken had given me.. The wraps were just in the way.. I probably should have kept them.. but they hindered my work..

I thought I was pretty much alone... and I left alone.. inside and out.. as slowly the mask began to crack... the tears ran down my face but I could utter no sound.. I was fearful if I did I would weep.. and not be able to control it.. Seve seemed to appear out of nowhere and soon was sitting at my side.. I felt like an weak woman. and my fathers words rushed to my head.. Weak.. nothing... slave.. It no longer mattered as I laid my head on her shoulder and just cried.. All the emotions I was feeling just flowed out like blood from a cut.. I had to pull myself back into one piece.. as she spoke I was able to corral all those feelings and place them back in that jar.. I am not weak.. I have to be strong for everyone..

I soon went to my furs.. but sleep did not come easy.. if at all.. it was dark.. and I felt so very alone..

Mother

My mother is still a beautiful woman.. her heart and soul are hurting right now.. but underneath all her pain lies a careful, loving and fun woman.. I remember as a child she and I use to play games together while we would wait for my father and brothers to come back to the fires.. She had so much inside her I wonder if she gave it all up as my father grew more and more unstable.. Did she hide it away? Is it still there hidden beneath layers of life?

I have not told her yet what exactly happened to father.. not that I know for sure but I do not think he is ever coming back... I do not want her to hold on to that hope and let life pass her by.. I do not want to see her become an old woman before her time. Ord and his mate and child's death took a toll on my mothers mind.. I do not think she has actually grasped that they are not coming back either.. I brought back a hide from his wagon and some little trinkets I found that were his.. There was not very much left.. Sam said to give her time.. my other brothers are just silent.. I will give her some time.. and then she has to get on with life... She is needed at the clan.. there is much work to be done.. and we need all the hands we can get.. She is a wonderful leatherworker.. and it will keep her mind busy...

One more Search

I went back to the ruins alone.. I tried to think of those no longer here when I step past their ruins.. an old woman that always gave me a piece of candy to chase away the tears.. the old warrior that tried to teach me to dance. Some of my elders had not made it.. I can only hope theirs was a swift and painless death.. Most of them had gotten out with the others.. those I will cherish even more..

I got closer to my families place on the line.. or where it would have been.. I am sure it was just a trick of the mind.. but I heard it.. "Come back to make sure I am dead Girl?" I turned quickly but I did not see anything.. "Oh I am dead alright.. you made sure of that didn't you. I knew you were weak... you do not have the power to be the good little tuchuk woman like your Mother was

"Gonna get on your knees.. oh I see you with that warrior.. he only wants one thing from you girl.. and you will give it won't you.. thats all you will ever amount to.. I think I could feel his smirk. it was like all the evil that lived inside my father had taken on a voice in my head.. were these my thoughts my fears.. I stomped my boot on the dead grass beneath my feet.. NO! I am not like that.. You may have tried to make me weak... but all you did was make me fearful but strong.. My knees touch the ground for no warrior.. You will see old dead man.. I lifed my clenched fist to the skies.. You will see! Stay out of my head old dead man.. And I headed towards my brothers wagons... I wanted one of those hides.. for my mother.. to show her that while Ordd had died.. he remembered to hide under something wet..

Fire on the Plains

In my entire life.. which is young still I know, I have never seen so much destruction and death.. We all did what we could.. getting those wagons out of the camp.. the young the elderly..our families. I only got hollared at once.. when I took water to those in the trenches.. I was not thinking of danger to myself but only to get them wet rags to quench their skin and water to quench their throats..

We lost my mothers wagon.. all her possesions are gone.. I am going back again to see if I can salavage anything for her.. right now she is numb with sorrow.. We lost Ordd and his mate.. and the only grandchild that would never be..

We had gone to the ruins to see what we could find that was still usable.. Seve and I got separated.. I was looking for Ordd's wagon.. He was not with my other brothers.. and no one had seen him or his mate..

I wanted to just throw up when I finally found our old row.. and there my heart nearly stopped.. I saw he shell of his burnt out wagon.. the back wheel had sunk down and was caught.. I stood there afraid to move when Ayg showed up behind me. I told him that was my brothers wagon.. all that was left was the shell and a pile of wet hides.. He said he would send in men to search for to search for.. bodies.. I knew I did not want to see.. Maybe if you do not see it its not real? Maybe that was what I had hoped for.. but the men had come back... I could not hear everything. but the bodies had been found together under the hides.. Smoke had killed them at least and not the fires.. I said I would speak to my brothers.. and I did.. they all agreed to have Ordd's family placed with the others that died on that day so they may all travel together.. It was fitting.. my heart hurts at the lose.. Sam was going to tell Mother.. she had so much loss recently.. My father now my brother and her first grandchild. I can not let this weight me down.. there is much work to do to prepare for the move.

My hands are bandaged right now.. but I have managed to work with the leather.. to help the clan make new tarps and try to repair those we can..

Tasco's father is also missing. I spoke to him at the stream where i was soaking my hands in the cold water.. He was catching his second wind I think..And left not soon afterwards... Maybe it was just me..or the fire but he seemed in a hurry to get back.. Maybe I have offended him and did not realize it.. but I do not have the time to dwell on it.

My Hopes and Dreams

I suspose everyone has hopes and dreams.. I do as well.. while some have been crushed and put to the side.. but one underlying dream never seems to leave my thoughts.

I would one day love to be a mother... to hold a child to listen to his breath as I lay him against my shoulder.. to watch him grow into a strong and worthy warrior.. I guess I am no different than any other woman of the plains.. except for one thing..I am not sure how one actually goes about doing that.. I mean do you walk up to a warrior and go. hey I like you I want to get to know you better.. and then maybe if you like me we can you know... If it were that easy I would have already wrestled Tasco to the ground and said all that.. but its not easy.. its just not.. I am so glad this book is private.. here I can say I just melt inside when he looks at me with thosde coppery eyes.. that smirk... my toes curl... but he will never know that.. nope.. why give anyone an edge.. I have found that the less I say or think the less trouble I get into..

But I regress.. What else do I want... well.. Its a small thing I know. but I sure would like to know when to know something I say has a totally different meaning that what I said.. :grins: