My Ramblings

I have not really expressed my feelings on proving myself to the become part of the 1st fires.. I am proud.. excited.. It was like a benchmark I set for myself and surpassed it.. An internal sense of pride that no one can take away.. I think I was trying to hard at first.. to please.. to find my place.. and with just a simple request of Cana.. I found it without looking.. I was enjoying myself so much that I never realized it was a lesson..

The elderly sometimes overlooked.. misjudged.. ignored.. and sometimes mistreated.. have become part of my heart.. I know some will pass on.. I undertand its a part of life.. and the circle we form.. but my heart will ache I am sure. I invited one of the old woman to come to the clan fires.. where she once worked her fingers off.. but was set aside by her son when he felt she had become to old.. I could see life flow through her fingers to the leather piece she was working on. There was a shine in her eyes.. I sat next to her as she showed me what she was working on.. I could learn alot from her.. She would tell me stories of the way it was when she was a young woman first finding her place.. She said she never wanted to be of the inner circle of the 1st fires.. all her friends were in the outer wagons, and she was content there. She had beenn claimed not long after her nosering was placed...I asked her if she had loved her mate or had he been chosen for her.. She smiled and patted my hand. Well.. you see it was this way.. My father did not like him.. He was a proud warrior.. and would strut around camp saying soon I would be his.. this irked my father to no end.. And I knew my father would never approve the match.. so. I did what ever good tuchuk woman would do.. I told my father under no certain way would I let that man claim me.. Now.. my father was a man that you did not tell what you were going to do.. but he was a man and did not see through my ruse.. So.. my father.. spoke to Drakes father and the two of them set it up.. :she winked at me: So I got the warrior I wanted without my father knowing what had happened.. And what about you Yamka.. do you have a certain warrior in her heart?.. I hesitated a moment... unsure whether to confide in her or not.. but she was opeing to me. so I said yes there was.. but he would have to find me.. he would have to know with his heart.. that I could not tell him.. He was a man of great power.. and I was just a leatherworker. I told her that I did not want to seem like I was chasing after him.. that if he did not see me.. then it was not meant to be and I would accept that... But I smile to her.. if he does notice me.. and his heart calls to mine.. I would love him forever.. and take care of him.. I would bear him sons.. and daughters if the skies allowed it.. and never hurt him...

She patted my arm and smiled.. I hope he hears your heart calling to his Yamka.. when the time is right all will fall into place.. but what will you do if he choses another? .. I told her I had thought about that.. and that I would be happy for him.. that if that is where he was called then it was meant to be.. And as long as he is happy then all is right.. :she nodded her head: That is sound thinking.. but I added.. if she ever hurt him in anyway.. she would answer to me afterwards.. And the old woman laughed and smiled.. you do love him then.. and I just smiled..

It was time to head back to the wagons.. and I walked her to hers.. where one of her sons was waiting.. I nodded.. and hugged her... I will see you tomorrow..

The New Law

I was awake.. skies was I awake.. The elderly were at my wagon waiting on me.. To be honest I was kinda scared to look out.. You see the new Ubar put a new law into place.. The old warriors could be naked if they wanted to.. I had hope they would have forgotten by morning.. but seems their minds are not as old as their bodies.. and sure enough there they were naked as first born waiting on me.. I averted my eyes best I could.. Is it hot here?

But I promised.. of off we went.. thankfully the woman did not wish to be naked.. at least not around me.. I tried to say within their circle.. they did not mind seeing the men naked.. must be something you have to get use to.. yeah thats it.. gonna take me a long while to get use to this.. Maybe it will wear off.. one could hope..

I led them down the well worn path... it was like another world.. green and fresh. untouched since last we were here.. This was my secret place and now I have shared it with them.. I found a nice spot to sit on... I had to finish Tarra's vest.. some of the outer camp girls came bringing the food and drink and blankets..

Perhaps they were right.. if this brings just a smidgen of happiness then :shrugged: who am I to try and stop it.. but I do not want to see.. well you know... furring.. I have not tried it as of yet and not sure watching wrinkled old people would be any incentive to do so..

My Heart

So where do I begin.. My heart beats every time I am near him..but I won't say anything.. I can't.. We are all Ost's.. Tonight I wanted to just hold him and tell him not all of us are.. but I didn't... but it confirmed my thoughts that he had been hurt.. Still.. this is not something you can just do... He has to well he has to want to.. but he doesn't. I am just a simple woman.. I do not have layers and layers to unravel.. I am what you see.. Sometimes things go over my head.. I am aware it takes me a little longer to figure things out.. but I am not stupid.. far from it.. I am aware of whats going on around me.. I have thoughts and ideas... I care deeply for my tribe.. it will always come first to me.. before my needs and wants.. before my heart...

Tonight was an interesting night.. very interesting.. its funny how you can see people position themselves where they want to be.. but I am not going to do that.. I will help where I can.. do what I can.. and stay out of trouble..

I have to remember to tell mother about Seve..and her ceremony.. I know she will want to come..

Well I need to hit the furs... we are going on an adventure in the morning.. I have to be ready for that..

Can It be True?

The most amazing thing happened at the fires last night.. I was not thinking it would happen at least not yet.. But it is as they saw.. when you least expect something it happens.. Ayg is now the Ubar until Cana's warrior comes home...He asked me a question.. and then told me to stand.. I hope no one else heard my knees knocking. And he looked at Cana and Tarra.. and said this is Yamaka woman of the circle of the 1st fires.. I wanted to run and hug him.. but I didn't.. but I really wanted to.. Odd.. I do not feel any different.. but then I did not think I would. but my heart was racing I was so excited.. I could not wait to tell my parents and my brothers.. and the elderly... but I had a sick elder to take care of.. she came first.. I had one of my brothers carry her from her wagon to mine. I had taken a few of the heavier furs from Cana's supply wagon... I shoved my chest to the wall. and layered the furs until it formed a nice soft bed chair... The old grandmother did not argue or put up a fuss.. I was glad.. She was soon asleep.. and I did not hear the rattling as I had in her own wagon..

I was exhusted and fell to my own furs.. By the time I had gotten up. the singers had already spread the word that I had now of the 1st Fires.. I got up and before we started to move.. ran back to my mother and fathers wagons.. My fathers eyes were so full of pride.. he captured me in a large hug.. and gave me the most beautiful piece of hide I had ever seen.. I guess he had been working on it for a while.. it was a gift from him.. Mother had made breakfast... I looked at her fires and thought even with all my brothers it was alot of food.. Until I turned around.. All my elderly were walking towards my mothers wagon.. The singers.. the yearkeepers. the leatherworkers.. the old warriors... coming to eat at my mothers fire.. I had so many grandparents it was not funny.. Each one gave me a hug.. some pinched my cheeks.. and other places.. those darn old warriors... It was an exciting morning. But it was gonna be a busy one... and we had much to do.. I slipped away quietly.. starting my day.. A Yamka of the 1st Fires... and I was smiling..

Spread Thin

I have been so busy I just fall to my furs at night.. but its good to be busy.. It feels good sometimes to just be so sore you can not move. I have been taking care of the elderly other than the spex's cause Tarra's son is doing that.. Working on the bench covers for the wagon maker.. and the project for Tarra.. which is halfway done.

I think its done my heart some good.. to have stepped away from something that was starting to consume my thoughts. Now that I am on an even keel.. perhaps things will be easier to understand. I know probably only I noticed it.. I am really sure the warrior never noticed.. but regardless... I had to fix it.. I have to remember that butterfly.. one small mistake in an action and I would be like caught in that web.. I would wither and die I am sure to have my wings clipped.. Its better this way. It is.. you will see I am right.. I am not sure I will live long enough to have mate.. I could be wrong.. but its has been said.. and whispered about in our wagons since I was a young child. Now that I would broadcast that.. but its a fear that I keep pushed way behind other things. It safe there really it is..

I heard the little girl was not feeling well.. I would go visit.. but I am sure she has so many going there I would just be in the way.. But when she is feeling better.. and we are finally at the souther camp. I will take her to a place I use to adventure in when I was her age.. There are lots of flowers and butterflies there. Yes.. thats what I will do..

Well I suspose I should get some sleep..

Stars I see Stars!

One thing about a good rain, is afterwards the sky seems clearer.. almost like its washing itself.. I love stars.. I love the night.. I feel more alive when its quiet. and all you can hear is the sound of the plains.. Sometimes its like you are the only one there.. and its all yours.. Ubara of your own little spot..

I have stayed away from the main fires the last two nights, because I need to gather my own thoughts.. I found I was forming opinions based on others.. and that is not me.. We should always be our own person not what someone expects or wants us to be.. I am what I am.. And when I discover that you will be the first to know... for now I am still scratching my way to find my place.. Maybe I have found it but have yet to realize it.. or nevermind I am making my own head hurt with such deep thoughts..

I have been busy though.. we have crossed the waters and now are regrouping to repair what needs to be done before we start out on the next leg of the journey.. I know that Cana's warrior has left on a quest.. so I will make sure to watch her as well as my elderly..I am sure everything will be alright and he will return to her.. hmmm maybe between that now and that time... his slave might learn exactly what it means to be a tuchuk slave.. :evil grin: Or maybe the sleen will eat really good.. or bad depending.. they might just spit her out.. I do not care for her much.. but I am not a good judge of slaves.. just not my day to watch them I suspose..

I will have to have one of our healers check on one of the elderly women.. She has gotten a very nasty cough..The weather really did not do many of them good... I will have someone check on Amerlia when I see one.. Until then mother gave me something to put in her tea.. and to make sure she stays warm.. I have one of my brothers slaves staying with her.. to keep her fires going and make sure she eats..

I also have one part of Tarra's project completed.. Now I can start on the other one.

Now back to my stars.. Do you see that one? Yes the large one to your right... see how it seems to wink at you? Its not really, but I like to pretend it is. Do you see those over there.. yes to your left a little.. It reminds me of the herd of bosk.. Large and powerful.. Those are the bosk that have given their lives for the welfare of the tribe.. they ride in the cities of dust with our ancestors. What you did not know that? You think a tuchuk would go to the cities of dust without bosk? I do not own any bosk, my father does and so do my brothers. But mother and I do not. We might not be typical as I am finding out. but how a man governs his family is different I am sure from one to another. We have always followed my fathers laws nd he has always followed the Ubars laws. But he has his own set as well. Respect and pride. Honestly and loyalty. And sometimes a little bit of fun. Mother and I did all the cooking.. all the cleaning, washing. Oh my brothers slaves helped some. But mother did not trust them so they were given chores that did not directly affect our personal things. My father has never actually owned a slave.. I know he has used them for what ever it is warriors use them for. but out of respect for my mother he never had one in our wagons.. She would have never lasted long anyway. Mother would have found a way to made sleen foder from her sooner or later. She does not care if my brothers have them or even if Father used them but she did not want one hanging around our wagon.. Wow did I get off track..

Do you like my stars? I do.. their are a comfort and a source of imagination.. and sometimes they can just give you that little bit of time away from reality.

Wagons and Water

They really do not go that well together.. especially full ones.. I helped a few of the elderly lessen the loads of their wagons.. Some were afraid their things would be left behind or lost.. But I assured them they would not.. For some, its all they have left of their past.. something maybe seem trival to us but to these people that have lived longer than I hope to.. its facets of their lives.. that they cling to.. it keeps them alive in some way.. Elphriam had a small box.. that he held on to.. and would not let anyone touch it... Not even me.. I did ask him what was inside.. and he smiled and showed me... putting a gnarled finger to his lips.. I nodded.. his secret was safe with me.. I got my fingers slapped by Magda.. when I tried to move an old hide coat from her wagon.. He had been her mates.. it was the last thing he wore before departing on us on a raid.. It was dusty.. I just did not want it to get wet.. I think she broke a finger.. :chuckles: Anyway.. I got them all done.. and we got their wagons moved.. with the others.. Now we can dry out.. regenerate ourselves.. and get ready for the next part of the move...

I myself.. own nothing.. so my wagon was pretty empty.. I have a few furs.. and a small treasure chest my mother gave me when I came to the 1st fires.. but so far its empty... Maybe one of these days I will find something worthy of keeping in there..