How Do I Feel?

As if things were not tense enough.. a visit from one of my brothers.. only confused me more... he said our father was missing... I knew. I knew at that moment what had happened.. and it was my doing... On my hand my heart was sad, yet on another I was relieved.. I could walk freely again.. never to look over my shoulder to see if he was there.. No more beatings or whippings.. Such a freedom came with such a high price..

I laid there on my furs.. Sad for many reasons tonight.. feeling a bit daunted by the various emotions running through my thoughts.. this would weight heavily on me for a while.. Did I regret it? No... but he was my father.. regardless of his past years actions.. I did have some feelings for him.. it was then I heard my name... it was my fathers voice.. I must be hearing things... but I listened..

"You know I never wanted you.. a daughter.. but you grew on me... I did not know how to deal with a young wiley girl.." Now at this point I figured it was the milk I drank before I went to bed.. I do not do voices in the head... I am not very good at those things.. "Never regret what you did.. It was the right thing.. I could no longer control the rage.. and know this.. I never meant to hurt you" I wanted to scream but you did.. you hurt me many times.... but since I did not believe I heard him.. and just listened..

His last words were to take care of my mother.. of which I would....

Now I do not know if this was the wind.. my mind playing tricks on me or was it really him.. Either way.. I felt a large ball of pressure just lift from my heart..

Yes he was my father... sometime in my life I did love him... but I knew I had done the right thing.. No child should ever have to do this, no child should have the burden of death on their shoulders.... but tribe above all... echos inside my brain..