The Dream part 1

I had not really slept in a few days.. each night restless.. sleepless.. because the minute I closed my eyes and begged for sleep the same vision appears..I am pushed into the deepest part of the stream.. I know I can swim in my mind.. but in my dream I am drowning... and I let it happen.. I don't seem to weight anything at all. My hair floats around my body.. but wait I am not dead.. but I think I am... My mind clouds up as if ready to burst with charges of mental madness... Why? Why?

I can hear my voice asking.. but there is not a sound.. nothing.. its like I am there alone.. and then I wake up... dripping in a sweet scent of sweat... I am in my furs.. I am not even close to water..

So. I just lay there.. hands folding on my stomach... not wanting to fall back to sleep... I force my eyes to stay open.. my mind to stay busy...

Soon the sun will be up.. and I must start my day..all over.. and my night will it be the same?

I forgot.. the Treasure

Seve and I were at the stream.. collecting rocks for Tarra.. I still don't know why we did .. but we did... I was moving around the bank when I spotted something shiny.. So being the tuchuk that I am. I went to investagate.. and so did Seve..

It was a silver round thing.. Later we determined it was a city coin.. and there was a whole lot of them... Digging around.. we also found a bag stuck in the mud.. We dug a little more.. and then we both pulled...

It released with a popping noise and we both tumbled back into the stream, but we had the bag.. We both sat there drenced and mudding.. and tried to figure out what it could be... It was bumpy.. so we thought maybe a head.. but it had no smell to it.. so it could not be that... I untied the bag and dumped it all out.. disappointly it was just some pretty colors stones.. Seve said there gems.. There were green and blue.. red and yellow.. and some very plain clear ones.. :shrugged:

The yellow one has strange scratches on it.. and left a pattern when the sun captured it...

We wondered if who ever put it there was gonna come looking for it... when we heard footsteps... I think my heart pounded right out of my chest... but it was just Fonce.. I guess we were a sight to behold.

In the end.. we gave him the bag with coins and gems... Cause thats the way of it.. He is a Commander.. and besides what would we do with them...

I don't know what he has done with them.. As far as I am concerned they are his now..

The Ceremony

I was not going to go.. but for Seve.. my dearest friend I did.. It was cold as I anticipated... guilty without even asking me about it.. :shrugs: It was still a lovely ceremony.. My part was to bring Seve into her womanhood.. I was glad Tarra gave me that part..

I am tired.. very tired... its been a very stressful hand at the fires.. I feel quite off kilter.. I am sure it will all work out in the end.. And I was told not to worry about it... but I do.. I never intentionally hurt anyone.. its not my way... it never has been... but people have been hurt and my name used to do it... I will seek Asria out of these days.. and speak to her about it.. I do not want bad feelings to fester and cause more problems.. but somehow I see her as a woman that holds those things.. I will do what I have to do.. if she does not accept it.. then my mind will be clear..

But my mind is not clear.. and as I lay down to rest.. I dream..

He Said What!

The old chattering woman sat on my step cause she like to gossip and told me what had happened at the fires.. Chit.. thats not what we said.. not even close.. How could Sef have gotten everything so twisted.. Well.. Ayg is already pissed at me for something.. might as well at one more thing to the list.. And Fonce.. my friend.. will probably never speak to me again.. I am gonna hit Sef with a pot next time I see him..

We were just saying we say her coming from that way and were gonna wager on whether she liked him or not.. How did he get she was in his wagons from that.. Men.. worse than woman..

I have enough worries in my young life without this.. From this day forward.. I am keeping a very low under the wagon profile.. No speaking no thinking.. no doing.. I don't like what I have seen.. And what surprised me the most is that they would strip a Commander of his command over this? There is something just not right..

It seems that some prospects are given special treatment.. When I first came.. every night question after question. task after task.. No one spoke my name.. I was prospect.. I was starting to think that was my new name.. but some.. some are treated much differently... is it because of whom they have chased down and netted? Or tried to... Makes no sense to me.. Tribe about all.. except for a simple few?

This has my mind so full of more questions... that I know will go unasnwered because they will never be asked.. The harriga is a large place.. and since I work from sunup to sun down.. and mostly sleep and eat.. I do not have time for the games going on at the fires.. nor do I wish to be a part of it.. They play games in the cities I heard.. I never though we did it on the plains.. a sad state of affairs.

Questions Questions.. and Thoughts

We have many prospects waiting to find their way to the main fires.. and I have many questions.. but I will never ask them.. no.. its none of my conern.. I have many thoughts on things.. but these too I will keep to myself... I will watch and learn..

Kaeli's daughter arrived.. from her training with Herlit.. thats Sef's sister I found out.. I have talked to her a few times.. and I try not to be biased because she is a daughter of the fires.. I do not see anything dweller within her... as her words were spoken... I do see a young girl.. coming home to be with her mother.. yet I see her struggle with trying to understand her welcome.. But its not up to me to say anything.. just help guide her along her journey.. Its is funny what you can see by just walking around camp... minding your own business.. Who is visiting whos wagons... what warrior is seeking to learn of his clan.. what young child will grow to be what they want to be.. I am a leatherworker.. its all I have known or want to know. I am secure in my clan.. and when I work I give my all to it.. I have no self doubts.. or insecurities about what I grew into.. To many speak of the city ways.. as if they know first hand.. I wish they would stop.. I hate the cities and I have never been there.. heck sometimes I feel walled in my own wagon and will sleep under the stars if I wish to.. but all this talk of the cities is annoying.. The whispers are annoying.. but I try to ignore most of it... Seve and I have our painting group tomorrow.. I went to the stream tonight and had some of the slaves help me put up small tarps.. incase my elders get too hot.. I do not want them getting naked and going into the stream with all those youngerster there.. I do not wish their minds scarred.. I told Epharim tomorrow he must wear clothes.. and he agreed..

My mother sent word that she could not come help.. My father will not allow it.. I worry for her.. His anger seems to have returned.. I hope my brothers keep a close watch as I am no longer allowed there...

I saw the old Spex Harold on my travels today.. He looked at me and smiled.. but said nothing... you know thats a scary thing to have happen.. like he knows something you don't.. gave me the willies.. But now its time for bed.. I am tired..

Done and Over

So my talk with the Ubar did not go well.. I am sure in time we can be friends.. I still like him that part will not change for a long while. But time and distance can certainly make it easier.. I am not proud of what happened or the results.. but whats done is done.. And I can live with the snaps and growls that seem to leave his lips when he talks to me.. So as far as I can concerned what my mind built has been broken down step by step... I am a better person for it.. I learned much through it all.. about trusting.. friendship.. and relationships..

I just wanted to get away from him for a while... I asked if I could go to the stream.. and he said yes it was alright... Tarra asked if Seve and I could find some stones for her... Well we did.. boy did we.. but thats another story.. you will have oto wait for that one..

:grins:

Yes I will be just fine..

Except for one thing.. I am forbidden to go to my parents wagon.. How do I tell them that?

Clouds and Bosk

So early in the morning I walked out to the herds...and found a nice grassy knoll to watch them.. They are so innocent when you look at them grazing. Once in a while a bull will chase off another claiming his cow or cows. The babies gaining their feet and I laughed as I watch a few take off in a wild run, the the legs kinda go all wiggly and down they go.

It was peaceful here.. alone on the knoll.. I laid back and looked at the clouds as they rolled by.. so soft and slow.. I wonder what a cloud feels like.. Like a game, I try to imagine what walking on a cloud must feel like. I lose myself in thoughts. I never noticed this large bull that wandered over to where I was daydreaming.. until I felt the snot of his nose land on my arm.. It was one of my fathers bulls.. old Hiram.. I use to play with him when he was a baby.. I wonder if he remember my scent.. So.. being the tuchuk I was.. I spoke to him.. So hows it going Hiram.. those dark eyes of his just watched me. Dang he was kinda spooky looking..I don't think he was gonna hurt me or anything like that.. but he was definately looking at me oddly..

I went back to looking at my clouds.. I felt the earth tremble as he laid down beside me.. Well.. hmmm.. I reached a hand out and petted his nose... touching his nosering.. I pondered.. as I touched my own.. I guess we are alike in that respect Hiram.. ringed.. and owned.. well I was not owned in that respect.. but still it marked me as a Tuchuk just as his notch and ring marked him as Tuchuk.. His ear flickered as I tickled it with my slender finger.. I could feel my fathers mark on his ear. a double notch..

An OR came riding up.. looking down at me with a stupid grin: You better not go any farther than his knoll... I could have said something smart.. but I didn't.. I just nodded: Yes I know.. It is safe right here though right? He grunted.. so I assumed that meant yes..as he rode off..

I sat up.. holding my knees against my chest.. and just talked to Hiram like he was an old friend... If I told you that I could run as fast as the wind and said that most Tuchuks could.. Would you turn around and ask someone else if that was true? If I told you the sky was green.. and you looked up and saw that indeed the sky was green would you go and ask someone else? The silly old bosk just looked at me.. before he rested his head on the soft grass.. I did not think so.. If you told me you were the greatest of bosks.. and that you sired many babies.. I would not question your word..

So many things run through my mind.. I still had to speak to Ayg.. I was hoping by that time the bruise was gone.. I still did not know how to even begin to explain how and why my father hit me.. I don't think he will understand it.. He might not even give a herlits hoot... and maybe he will not give me any time to even speak to him... So why worry about it..

I supose I have wasted enough time daydreaming.. I should find something to do.. keep my hands busy.. but today.. I just don't feel like it.. I might just stay on this grassy knoll all day... Yes maybe I will do just that... give myself a day off.. spend some time dreaming of things that could never come true.. I kinda like being out here.. with the bosk.. the smells of the plains.. the cool air.. its a safe feeling... and of course I have Hiram to keep me company..

Telling the Truth...

Fonce had noticed the bruise... and everything spilled out of my mouth including the small fib I had told my parents.. his words were wiser than my thoughts.. and so I set off to correct a wrong before it went to far..

I found my parents at their wagons.. sitting next to each other working on a project.. When I approached.. my father looked at my face and his eyes turned downward.. So went and sat next to time.. and said with conidence: I lied to you.. and I am sorry.. It was not some OR that my heart breaks for.. but infact his name is Ayg.. My father looked at me with surprise.. The Ubar? :and I nodded: yes.. but he does not feel the same way about me.. he has his eyes set for a spex... and no I did not tell them everything just what I had lied about:

My father sat for a moment. taking it all inside himself.. Does this man know how you feel? :I looked at my father with tear threathening to form: I think so. but it does not matter.. when she is around he does not see anything else but her.. it was a mistake on my part to ever even tell him how I felt.. not that he got it.. :my father drew me close.. and a finger trailed over the bruise on my jaw: I will have to face him you know. he is your guardian.. I am just your father.. One that loves you very much I must add.. :looking at him: I know father and I am sorry I did not tell you the truth but I was scared.. and its not his fault that this happened.. its my own for allowing it to.. I should have known better... and look at the mess its brought.. :My mother finally spoke: Yamka.. you can not control your heart nor anyone elses.. I am very sorry you are hurt but one day you will feel the joy of a mans love.. You have alot to offer.. It will take a special man to see that and desire it.. :she smiled at me.. and my father ruffled my braid.. as my brother Sam approached.. Whoa! what happened to your face Yams... and then he looked at my father.. I swear if you did this.. we will have words... My father.. looked at his son.. Yes I did it.. out of anger but not at your sister... all I could see was this warrior that hurt her heart.. before I could stop myself.. My brother stood there.. his arms crossed.. what warrior... :then he looked at me:

It was at this point.. my father.. raised his hand.. It is none of your concern and your sister will get over this soon enough if we all do not dwell on it.. she is growing up.. and hurt is a part of life... You will do wise to just remember that.. :I could see in my brothers eyes that this would not be the end of it.. at least for him.. but he did nod: As you wish Father.. but next time hit the wagon not my sister..

Conversation with my father..

The next morning.. I headed to the clan fires... where I spend most my day.. I was working on britches for Kaeli.. and a few other smaller projects for those of the outer wagons.. I saw my father walking down the path.. He was so strong my father.. We did not always see eye to eye.. but I knew he loved me.. I could also see a paga haze still in his eyes.. but now was as good a time as any to go speak to him..

Father! :I called out and headed towards him: Ah Yamka.. did you have a good time last night? .. Yes father it was a pleasant time.. and now mother has someome to help here when I can not be there.. :he nodded his head: Yes.. we will see how much help the woman will be.. :he rubbed his hand across his scarred cheek: Father I wish to speak to you.. and just as I said that my mother came down the path.. oh good.. both of them.. kills to herlits at once, or so I thought..

Marta.. my father called her over to us, Yamka wishes to speak to us about something.. I could see my father grin.. and my mother smiled.. Well, :she said: We will have to listen then won't we..

:the kicked some dirt with the tip of my boot as I tried to form words in my mind and have them come out right..: I heard you say you wanted to speak to the Ubar about finding me a mate... I would be most happy if you did not do that.. :my fathers brow lifted a moment: And why not? You are worthy of a mate... :I hesitated and looked at him trying not to let those tears come to my eyes: Well.. there is a warrior my heart called to... but he is called to another.. and well I just do not think I am ready to be sent to my doom.. My fathers face changed in a moment.. What warrior does not want you!... :so how to you tell him its the Ubar that does not want you.. there is no recourse there.. : Does it really matter who it was Father? I mean.. really? :My mothers hand went to still my father.. as I looked at her.. and I think in that instant she knew.. she knew who it was.. and she spoke: It does not matter Yamka.. :I think through my eyes she could see the hurt I felt.. and I gave her a small smile:

But my father.. his booming voice probably everyone in the clan fires could hear him.. YOU ARE TELLING ME SOME WARRIOR SAID WHAT? :I cringed: Well he would just like to be my friend Father.. and its alright.. I completely understand.. you can not help who your heart picks for you.. :his large hand grabbed my face.. and before my mother could stop him.. I felt the crack of his backhand.. across my jawline... My mother pulled him away... and at that instand my father realized what he did.. I could see his shoulders slump a moment.. and his quickly drew me into his arms.. I am sorry daughter..my anger at the warrior was taken out on you..but who is this warrior.. he asked quietly.. that would do such a thing.. :no I was not going to tell him.. ever.. : Just some OR.. its really alright father.. he would probably beat me anyway... the bruise already forming on my jaw.. I could see my fathers eyes.. he had all ready regretted it.. but whats done is done..

You know daughter.. if it were up to me... I would set your bride price very high.. You are of the 1st fires now.. Your brother got off easy.. but look at what he got.. She is almost as big as him.. he will have to do alot of hunting to feed her... but you.. are small and peite.. I think... your bride price would be something special.. and hard.. :I could see him grin: Yes.. this is what it would be.. 50 bosk from each of the other plains tribes. I was thankful that I knew that the Ubar had said he was not going to pick our mates.. and since I had no intentions of looking anywhere.. I was pretty sure I could slide by without having to mate for a long time.. so I smiled at my father: Well I have much work to take care of today father.. and later Cana. is going to let me pick a new kailla.. So I gave them both a hug and headed to where I normally worked... but at least there would be no more talk at my fathers fires of me mating..

The Celebration

I had promised my mother I would help with her little celebration party.. and so I got there with the help of my brothers.. There were just the two families there.. but skies all the food... I am not sure really why she wanted my help.. she had gotten most of it done before I got there.. but I did help people get situated.. and filled plates with the food.. passed out drinks..

All my brothers but 3 were there.. they had patrol... but 4 were enough...Ord.. and this young woman were the center of attention as it should be.. She was not an ugly woman.. but nothing that I would go wow about.. She was on the large size.. but then so was Ord.. very large.. almost like a full grown bosk bull.. My father and his discussed things.. and drew Ord into the conversation.. Statu's father said the bride price was 2 cows and 1 large bosk.. I could see my brother smile wide.. as he said. Wait right here... I guess he already had been getting his price price together cause he appeared with the 2 cows and bull.. I thought my mother was gonna beat him with her broom.. bringing the animals inside the celebration.. Ord stood there so proud.. you could not help but smile.. And then he pointed to Statu and claimed her to be his.. Is that all there is to it? He just says so and its true?

Well the young woman blushed.. but went to his arms.. My other brothers cheered and whooped it up.. and then started to pass out the paga.. I did not know men could consume so much and still stand.. Then they looked at me... :I groaned softly inside: We will find you a mate little sister.. words slurred as they spoke.. I of course.. said.. No thank you.. I want no part of it not right now.. Sam nodded in agreement.. its time you were mated.. and having babies... I slunk out of there line of sight.. and shoo'd a few slave girls their way. hoping that would distract them.. sure enough it did. . I was not about to tell them my heart was too full still of someone else to want to even look at another warrior.. even though this one had not chosen me.. I could not change how I felt..

The paga was flowing.. My brothers and her brothers were getting rowdy.. I knew it was time for me to find a way to just quietly slip back to my own wagons.. I headed back to the 1st fires.. I really was not in the most talkative mood.. and their teasing had only filled me with sadness.. I was happy for Ord.. but chastised myself for thinking of just myself.. that was selfish of me.. and wrong.. What I wanted really did not matter in the big picture... It was never what you wanted but what was your duty.. I remember my words my father spoke as I was slinking off into the night... That he would speak to the Ubar about finding me a mate.. since the man was now my guardian.. I hope that was the paga talking and that my father would forget by the time the sun rose... Maybe I should speak to my father about things.. or maybe my mother.. so they do not go head on into bringing alot more hurt into my life...

Not again!

I had just undone my braid.. slip on my cottom kamisk.. finally let things go that made me tense.. and just as my eyes started to close.. I heard a tapping on the side of my wagon.. Yamka.. are you in there?

Um Where else would I be?

Go away I am sleeping!

Yamka I need to speak with you.. can I come in?

Can you what?

I threw the furs off.. pulled on my pants.. and threw a blanket over my shoulders.. my hair was not even close to being ready to braid.. so it did not get braided.. I knew who it was.. It was one of my cousins.. I really need to hide my wagon at night.. or maybe put up a sign.. I AM SLEEPING GO AWAY!

Ok Enis you can come in.. And then he asked.. Well are ya decent? What the heck? Am I decent? :I grumbled and twisted my hair into a semi sorta braid.. Yeah I am decent as I am gonna get cause I want to sleep!..

So he pushed open the flap and sat down on MY furs.. And he grinned.. So how are you Yams.. I never see you since you moved up here.. I narrowed my eyes at him. You came to see how I am?? At this time of night?? Are you insane???

Well.. no not exactly.. but I thought I would ask .. ya know to break the ice sorta .. I rolled my eyes... and looked at him.. Ok so what so dang important that you had to drag yourself to my wagon this time of night...

I swear I am gonna sleep all day and just say awake at night.. cause I sure as hell don't get much sleep at night...

Well I was wondering... :oh boy hear we go.. and this was one of my smarter cousins:
Ya know the girl you sent to your fathers wagons.. Oh now this was making sense.. .. I said. You mean Kalien? .. He said yep... thats the one.. Well what about her? .. so he hmmm a moment.. Well can I have her? :someone just knock me out.. please?:

Enis what do you want her for..Wait nevermind. I do not want to know.. :he got this big grin on his face cause he was gonna tell me anyway... I gritted my teeth preparing for this..

Well.. I want to mate her... :hit with me a feather I almost fell over laughing: You what?.. Well I have always wanted to mate her.. but she wanted nothing ta do with me.. Until now... she dun't have much a choice does she... she is used ya know... I looked at him..What do you mean used.. Oh hell.. Nevermind. I know what you mean.. Look Enis.. you have to ask my father... and then he said. I did he said to ask you..

Did he say for you to come here in the middle of the night to ask me?.. Well no not exactly.. but I figured I would cause I was awake... :a mans logic. go figure.:..

I had to think mostly cause I was half asleep.. and this was much to confusing to not think hard on.. Well.. it would make her life easier... Your not gonna beat her are you Enis? Ohhh no Yams. never.. I have loved her since we were kids.. And well now maybe she will take a look at me... I yawned.. well.. I suspose you can.. I mean what am I gonna do with her.. But you can not beat her... or mistreat her.. and you have to be really gentle with her.. cause she is broken.. ..He looked at me.. what do you mean she is broken...

Ok now to put this into words a man would understand..

She loved someone.. her first love.. and offered him her heart.. and instead he gave her his collar... she is broken... I don't think he understood really.. but he looked at me... and smiled.. I will fix her.. I promise..

Is it as easy as that.. to fix someone that is broken? I don't think so.. I think he will have a long ride ahead of him.. Well. Ok Enis..

Just like my brothers. he tugged on what could have been a braid.. He then looked at me and crossed his arms.. You know.. its not wise to let unmated warriors into your wagon late at night...

I am gonna kill him.. yes I am... I picked up a rock I kept at the side of my furs and flung it at him.. Your my cousin you idiot. now let me go back to sleep..

He grinned that wiley grin.. and left my wagon...

I closed my eyes and tried to get some sleep.. but all I could think of .. who is gonna fix me.. and then it came to me.. just as I was drifiing off.. I sure hope I remember in the morning..

Dragging my Heels

Why the hell did I go to the fires.. what was in my mind.. wait.. they are my fires too.. I belong there.. I was accepted.. I am of the 1st Fires.. no longer called prospect.. Yet.. I could feel the heel drag as I left my wagon and moved to the cook fires.. Arsria and Mezzo were there.. Did I really want to sit and listen to idle chatter about things that mean nothing to me?.. Ah hell.. my feet took me to where I wanted to go.. food.. I was starving.. I had failed to eat more than fruit mostly cause I was scared I would throw it all up with the way I was feeling.. Hurt tends to make you not feel so good..

The little looks.. the soft ost like smiles.. the I know you know I know you know looks.. I pushed it all behind me.. I am not gonna let that crap that I have seen some of the women at the outer wagons do... I am above it.. I am a kind and gentle person.. I made a mistake of wearing my heart on my sleeve. I was glad Cana and Tarra arrived.. at least maybe the conversation would turn.. Seve arrived also.. I was so glad she did.. I consider her my friend.. my confidante.. but there things I would not tell her either.. I think Ayg was right.. there are Osts that are women.. I did not believe him.. I thought it impossible.. but there are..

Asria asked if I had brothers? I said yep 7.. she thought perhaps they should check my axels not me.. Huh? I have always done this task.. since I was big enough to lift the brush and get into the grease... And then I felt a smack across my cheek.. When Mezzo ask Cana if she knew how to grease axels? Like what I lied? I did not say anything.. but I think some woman have been pampered.. How is that possible on the plains? My father had me fixing leather before I could remember.. working my clan as a young child.. I learned to ride before I could walk properly.. I was greasing axels with my mother.. when I could still walk under a wagon.. and they do not know these things? Basic things all tuchuks should know? How is that possible..

They constantly spoke about the elements.. I wanted to rub my temples.. I was glad when Tarra.. spoke on them... I know what the elements mean to me.. simple things.. nothing that a simple tuchuk would understand.. Wind.. brings a cool breeze when the sun is hot.. carries the seeds of flowers and grass so it lands and grows.. which then feeds our bosk which then feeds and clothes us.. Water.. to keep our throats from being dry. to clean the dirt from our backs.. to cook with.. to wash the air so we might breath.. Air.. the breath of life, without air we cease to exsist.. Fire.. warms us when its cold... cooks our food.. and lastly Spirt.. our hearts and souls. our inner secrets.. our will to move on.. to always press forward and never regress back.. I have felt my spirit these last few hands.. struggle with life.. but I know we will both make it safely out of the turmoil we are going through.. and come out stronger.. and wiser.. These are what the elements mean to me.. but I kept silent.. because these are simple answers.. There is no great mystery.. but then I am a simple woman.. And one day.. this simple woman mate a great warrior... bringing more warriors to build and strengthen the plains.. and what we stand for..

So anyway.. I stayed at the fires til my eyes could not keep open. I headed for my wagons..

How do you mend a broken heart

I am sure I am not different than any other woman.. and I am sure my heart will be broken over and over again.. But deep down I knew.. I guess I always knew.. he seems me as a friend... :shrugged: I do not see it that way.. I feel really really stupid actually.. I knew I should have never said anything to him at all.. but I guess he really did not matter to him that I was offering my heart when he was offering me a slug in the arm like you do to a buddy.. Does he even know what he did? Probably not.. does it matter to him.. probably not.. so.. how do you go on.. How do you act like it does not matter.. like who cares.. I can try to avoid him most the time.. and definately avoid him when his eyes look like the two moons over the skies...

A trust has been broken.. a betrayal at hand.. and who sits at the bottom of the pile feeling like a herd of bosk ran over her? Me.. I am so hurt so confused angry sad.. ready to punch the next person that says you are a sweet young woman!.. but hey I just want to be your friend...

So the answer to how you mend a broken heart.. is rip it out and stomp on it.. cause thats what has happened to me.. No heart no hurt.. very simple.. Is this going to change me? Oh probably.. I will not trust anyone for a long time.. I found out through all this there is no fairness.. and there are no friends when it comes to men..

Now we get on with our life... we move onward.. Oh and one more thing.. Once I get my beast.. there will be no stopping me... I have my brothers... thankfully I have not told them anything.. They may pick on me and tease me.. but they love me... and anyone that hurts me in any way shape or form is on their chit list.. So for the safetly of all.. I am not telling them or my parents... Its a part of growing up I suspose.. I just did not know that this part hurt..

So now that the brave and couragious Yamka has spoken all her words.. those big words.. so brave is she... and where do we find her? This strong woman of the plains... Let me show you.... there she is...sitting with her goats.. the ones he gave her... that lead her believe she was special.. a lie of course.. there she is looking up at the stars with tears running down her cheeks... yes so brave.. and oh so broken.. Only time. and her friend Fonce will be able to piece her back together.. cause Fonce knows.. and only Fonce can place her back in one piece again.. And that will be hard.. because he does not yet know she is broken.

Solution to the Problem

So my friend or should I say old friend now a slave.. and her problem.. I can not fix it.. make it go away.. but maybe I can make her life a little bit less scary.. So.. I headed towards the herds.. since I heard thats were the warrior was that owned her.. the warrior she loved as a young girl. and gave her heart to only for him to turn around and collar her and mate another... yes that friend..

I told him I had seen his wagons.. and they were disgraceful.. what tuchuk would let something so precious get in such a shape.. I guess his mate is of the leatherclan.. and she promised him she would take care of those things.. but after he mated her.. she did not do much he said but eat and complain... So I thought as I watched him.. skies he was ugly.. really ugly... So I said well your in luck.. cause I can fix them for ya... He scratched his chin.. said.. I don't have anything to barter.. and I slid it right in.. but you do.. I said... I will fix everything in return for the slave Kalin.. I could see the wheels of his slow mind working.. and a very big grin came to his face.. Deal!.. Maybe my life will be a little more peaceful without her there...

And thats how I manage to get the slave from the warrior.. Go figure.. a warrior wouls listen to words of a woman..

Final Step to the Blanket.

I took both pieces of hide down.. the dye had soaked in and was set.. one blood red and one Black.. She took the hide of Zek.. and placed the sewen pieces against each end.. and slowly fitted it together.. .. tiny stitches each sewn with love for her life and her tribal family.. Good happy thoughts.. until it was one piece.. his hide hidden inside the two pieces.. It was not very heavy.. as she took her quiva.. and as Tarra had asked.. she made a slit down the middle.. making sure she would put a few placement stitches.. so it did not fray..

Finally it was done.. Now all she had to do was get it to Tarra..

A Friend from the Past.

I was almost alseep.. driving the demons from my mind so I could get a few hours of rest.. when I heard my name outside the wagon. Yamka? :softly: Oh hell.. I got dressed... and peeked out my flap... Yamka? It was my old friend from the outer wagons... Kalien.. the one that was a slave... Now exactly sure how to react to her.. I just kinda looked.. I could not be mean.. she looked for forlorn and lost.. So I went out and sat on the step.. and motioned her to sit also.. Well?

Yamka you have to help me.. please.. I beg of you? :blinking: huh?

Help you how?.. :she started to cry.. well hell then I started to cry... : Ah please don't cry.. what do you need my help with.. Her large eyes looked at me.. I want to go home... oh man..

Well.. there is a problem with that Kalien.. ya cana't just say ok I am not a slave anymore and I am going home... it does not work that way.. I don't think it does anyway.. :her thin shoulders slumped..: Don't they feed you? :she was a little bony to me.. : She beats me.. she hates me.. Oh what a mess I made of things.. if I had only listened to you... huh? me get something right. after the mess I made of my life?

Well.. gee I am not sure how I can help you... :seems she had it all planned out: you could buy me from him... Maybe if you talk to his mate she would .. she would gladly get rid of me... Oh please Yamka.. we were once friends... .. well I had to ponder on this.. What would I do with a slave.. and one that was a friend no less..

Well let me think about it.. I mean this is a big decision... Well can I stay with you tonight... I had such a big heart.. I kinda figured I was gonna at least try and help her... Um.. sure.. I have an extra wagon you can stay in there... Won't they miss you though... :she shook her head: No.. they pay little attention to me.. I am just there to work and he does not even come near me anyone since he mated her.. I was yawning as she spoke... Ok ok.. well get something to eat from the pots over there.. and then you can get some sleep.. I will have to think about this... She gave me a hug.. Oh man she needs a bath as well..... he has neglected all his leather..and his tarp is ripped.. maybe you can trade work for me.. :the girl looked at her with large eyes: yeah ok.. let me think about it.. .. get some sleep...

Dang.. well.. I guess I could try.. I know I will not keep her.. she was my friend a long time ago.. I know her parents won;t want her back.. maybe I could talk to my parents.. well I will work something out..

The Next Step

There was one last piece to be placed on Zek's hide.. his piece.. I took out my threads... and next to the one of his mate.. I created his life piece.. the flames blazed and joined with those if his mate... also.. I included his weapons.. a lance.. a horn bow and his helm.. I let my slender fingers slide over the hide.. tears crested at the edge of each eye.. for Zek.. for myself.. and even for old ugly george.. I sighed. feeling really foolish...

I cared.. of course I cared.. but life is life.. and while I was in no hurry to mate.. my mind seemed to think if I did not let him know.. he would miss me.. what was this a contest..

Anyway.. I finished the hide.. I was proud of it.. it now was a lifestory of a great warrior.. I had such good feelings from this hide.. so much life and love went into it... I rolled it back up. and placed it on my treasure chest along with the golden ring from george.. I needed to find some sleep.. I could not go on like this much longer.. and my ribs were really starting to hurt... I guess I over did it today..

Preparing the Blanket

I had asked my father to help me.. only because I wanted this perfect for Tarra. she had been such a help to me.. I wanted this perfect.. So he and I found two hides.. both light colored.. so they could be dyed.. We scraped and scraped until it was just a thin leather hide.. both pieces.. My father and I sang as we work.. and laughed.. He somehow knew what I needed.. and kept my mind on the task at hand.. Once we got both pieces to the exact size.. then we began to dye them.. Using a red powder.. I dipped my wet rag into it and began to slowly move it across the hide.. My father stood back and watched.. Each stoke I took the dye sunk into the thin hide.. for hours I worked the one piece until it was a blood red.. The concentration on her brow was one of a person bent on completing a task to perfection..

I stood up.. and we both lifted the hide for it to dry.. Not was not too wer.. but enough so the dye would set..

Now for the other piece.. the red put away.. as I took the small bowl of burnt dye.. it was black.. blacker than anything she had ever seen.. and once again.. she slowly moved the color over the hide until it was covered and done.. Again her father helped her hang it to dry.. The first step was now done... She smile as she was pleased with her work.. Her father nodded his head.. I am not sure what exactly you are doing Yamka.. but I can see your soul in your work..

The Blanket

I had a restless sleep.. my mind just would not shut off.. go figure.. but I was up with the sun.. I had a mission today.. I would find out about Zek's blanket.. I asked of one the OR where his son's wagons were.. and was pointed to the middle of the rows of wagons... So thats where I headed..

His son name was also Zek.. and I could see a much younger Zek before me.. He looked at him.. his mate close to his side and it looked like a herd of children.. All different sizes and ages.. I asked the woman. Are these are yours? ... she laughed and said no nieces and nephews and some of their own.. So..thats good...

I want to ask you about your fathers hide.. seems it was left to me.. but I know nothing about it.. And the younger Zek smiled wide: I know all about that hide.. our father use to tell us stories using that hide...

His grandmother made it for him when he was born.. and his mother kept his history within the hide.. She was a weaver.. Ah ha!.. I knew it.. so many pictures threaded through the soft hide.. Do you have it with you? :he asked: Nodding my head.. I unrolled this hide.. as he pointed out things to me... See this corner.. with the 2 stars facing each other? .. That was the 1st square.. the night he was born.. And this one.. this was when he got his courage scar.. my grandfather took him and 3 other boys out to hunt larls.. that were messing with the herds... My father not only killed one but also saved the life of his young friend.. If you look closely you can see the larl.. the threads are faded a little.. but its there.. He went on and on about the different patches of pictures on the hide.. all the way to the last one made.. it was fire blazing in the skies... My mate placed that one there the night my mother passed on.. I can not tell you how old it is Yamka.. but my father was quite old.. I really did not know.. I have brothers that are well into their 50's.. and some that are just in their 20's.. Father and mother well.. they were busy...

Nodding my head. I thanked him... and promised that one of his daughters would one day beneifit from this hide.. but I did not tell him how.. His mate gave me some fresh bread to take with me. and some honey.. I was set for the night..

Regrouped

Twice now I have seen things I really did not want to see.. I am having feelings that are so uncomfortable even though I am told they are normal.. I have let these feelings drain every bit of good energy I had and cause me to be very sad and hurt.. I can not and will not allow myself to be bitter or jealous.. I swore it would not happen. yet it did.. It took me by surprise.. I never knew that relationships were so full of twists and turns.. and that this would hurt so damn much.. There is a helpfless feeling that overwhelms you.. because there is not a thing one can do..

So what do I do.. do I allow myself to wallow in self pity.. do I allow myself to withdraw and recluse myself. keeping away from what hurts me so much.. Or do I just move forward.. and let it not bother me.. I do not like these feelings.. I never expected them.. nor do I welcome them.. I do feel a bit betrayed.. because someone knew exactly how I felt.. and I have watched as that person inched they way into someones sight.. and stayed there.. Yet I can not blame them either.. there is no one to blame.. it is just the way of things.. To say that my heart not breaks would be an untruth.. for I don't think I have ever felt so sad in my entire young life.. but Tarra says this happens.. and it will happen again.. Not if I can help it.. not for a very long time.. I trusted someone to my utmost heartfelt feelings... and no matter what the situation that trust was broken.. who is to say whether it was done intentionally or not.. it was done.. And it was done as I watched.. but I can not hold these feelings inside... its not healthy.. no there is a better way to deal with them.. I just have to figure it out first.. One way is to write here.. to get all the venom out of my head onto this paper.. but how do you tell your heart to stop beating for one.. how do you tell your eyes to stop looking.. when you have figured that out please let me know.. I know I am young.. I know there is much more of life ahead of me.. logic tells me that.. but my heart says stop... stop... Until I can make that hurt go away.. I will concentrate on other things... my clan. my tribe.. my elders.. my family.. I have so much to be grateful for... that this one thing.. that I would have like really seems very small.. and who is to say that one day it will not happen.. maybe not with this warrior.. but maybe another.. My mind tells me that.. but my heart says never... never... but a heart can be wrong can't it?

So Friends..

I decided.. to tell him just how I felt.. It was better to get it off my chest than to carry it around and let it weight me down.. I felt better afterwards.. I was not trying to corner him into mating me... sheesh even I am not that stupid.. but I told him I would like to get to know him better... I mean thats all I want to do.. for all I know he might have smelly feet..

He said he had alot to sort out.. before he could be more than friends to anyone.. and I understood that.. I tried to explain I was not pushing him to anything.. He said we could be friends.. and get to know each other.. And thats all I had asked for..

At least I got to say what was on my mind...

Now I can get back with life again..

Foolish Dreams and Hopes

The morning started out well.. Cana.. Tarra and I were already at the pens.. the OR had started branding.. I chased a few calves down while Tarra took care of the irons.. It was very dusty.. but it was fun.. hard work.. and I felt a togetherness among them that I had longed for. Ayg arrived no soon after we had started.. He showed me how to brand.. It was about that time Mezzo also arrived.. I feel in her shadow sometimes.. she is so vibrant so talkative.. I really feel like well. I feel like.. hmmm.. invisable? Yes maybe thats the word.. I don't know what has gotten into me.. My heart flutters.. I make mistakes.. I nearly fall over my own feet at times.. I stepped aside and moved to one of the OR as Ayg showed Mezzo how to brand.. Perhaps it was the look on his face.. or the way he smiled that caused something inside me to just ache.. I realized those smiles were not for me.. No.. I told Fonce.. I would be happy.. but I lied.. but I can hide it.. I have pleanty to keep me busy.. And right now I will have to stay still.. As a calf kicked me backwards and Kaeli said he stoved in a rib..

So.. we put a smile on our face.. and we move forward.. Its very funny how when you don't expect to feel anything you feel so much. .. But I am not ready yet.. I can see that now.. I am not secure in my own skin yet to try and make someone else comfortable. So.. there will be no talk.. I will keep what feelings I have inside.. I know Seve will never betray my heart.. and only she and Fonce know how I feel. And it will die with them.. I will take 2 steps backwards and one to the left.. Keep my thoughts to myself.. and practice my trade.. I don't think this are odd feelings. I am sure they are normal. But maybe I was too obvious.. I hope I have not made a fool of myself.. Let others make fools of themselves.. but I will not succomb to that.. No... when the time is right what ever is to be will be.. I am not going to try and push it and make it go faster...

I seem to always be in the shadow of someone.. my brothers.. now this.. It preplexed my mind.. making it hurt..It was really a very simple answer.. and one I had done so many times in my young life.. I step to the side and let it pass by me.. Besides I need to work on Tarra's hide.. and Kaeli needs new britches made... Yes I have plenty to keep me busy.. I had been a young foolish woman.. it was a mistake.. and I am sure I will make so many more before I am old.. but I hope the others do not hurt nearly as much as this one does.. For now.. I will avoid him.. stay to what I do best.. and yes in time it will also pass by..

Death in the Night

I was almost sound asleep.. when I heard a rapping on the side of my wagon.. Go away I am sleeping... then I heard my name.. Yamka.. come out please.. Well heck..

I pulled on my old britches and my boots, then drew the tunic over my head.. my hair a muss, braid half in and half out.. as I hopped out the back of my wagon.. And there he was.. It was Zek.. one of my elder warriors.. Dressed like he was going to battle.. His helm held in his hands.. He actually was handsome.. dang..

Zek.. whats the matter.. He did not look down at me.. just said my time has come.. What time? :I asked: My final battle.. Yamka and you will accompany me on this last journey.. :I rubbed my eyes: What are you talking about.. your final battle... then it dawned on me.. Oh no Zek. you are not going anywhere.. nope not gonna happen..

He placed his large hand on my arm and he smiled: My dear young Yamka.. we can not live forever.. I am tired of this life here.. its time for me to take the next step.. Well the tears started.. as his large finger brushed it from my eyes.. I will miss you my young friend.. but do not cry for me.. I have lived a long full life.. I had taken lives of our enemies and I have seen life born.. I am ready for this last battle..So for Zek.. I nodded: I will accompany you on this last battle..

So we quietly walked from the main fires.. out to the open field.. he laid out a large hide.. it was very soft.. it was one I had never seen before.. and he sat down.. Holding his helm in his lap.. all his weapons laid around him.. His back straight.. HIs eyes were clear... he just looked at the field.. A large male bosk wandered over and decided to lay down near the hide.. I was not sure what to expect.

He started to chant quietly at first.. I could see him smile.. as he closed his eyes.... A war whoop left his lips... you could almost feel his battle.. the last one he held in his mind.. He was reliving it.. He was calling upon his memory to help guide him on this last part.. Zek was very old.. not the oldest.. but he had lived through many battles.. with the Kassars.. the Vaci.. the turians.. He had many scars on his face.. Yet I was sad.. I had not been this close to death before.. Yes it is all around us.. but I have not lost anyone close yet.. until now..

I could feel the wind pick up.. there was an static in the air.. but I could not see anything... Zek opened his eyes.. Do you see her Yamka.. there is my Sasha.. I can see her.. My son... I see him.. Can you see them Yamka.. Well no I couldn't see them.. I don't see dead people.. I am not blessed in that way.. But I nodded anyway.. Because he could see them... Is this how it happened?

I wondered..

I was not sure why he wanted me here.. I hope the rest do not do this to me... I think it will scar me.. but I am here.. I watched as he stood.. tall and proud.. I watched as he seemed to speak to someone.. I watched as it seemed a hand moved to his shoulder and sat him down.. The bosk watched as well.. I watched as he slumped over... helm laid still in his lap.. his weapons surrounding him.. I wept as I realized he was gone... I sat there for a long while... watching.. waiting for him to just wake up.. but he never did.. As the winds picked up.. I swore I heard his war cries on the edge of the winds.. I swore I heard my name.. YAMKA! See me.. I swore I felt his hand touch my cheek one last time..

I must have fallen asleep there.. Cause I was wakened by the bosk nudging me.. and when I looked Zek was gone.. his weapons were gone.. his helm... and I was left with the hide.. it was large and very soft.. it held memories of the past.. it had a good feeling to it.. pride.. honor.. love.. I knew exactly what I would use this hide for.. I got to my feet. and rolled up the hide...

Halfway to the wagons.. my father and brothers met me.. I wiped the tears from my eyes... My father looked at me.. Do not weep for Zek my daughter.. he rides the winds.. he is alive... and young again.. He died as a warrior would wish... fighting his last battle... I looked at my father.. and my brothers.. but he is gone.. vanished.. poofed.. My brothers chuckled a little.. Little girlsister.. we moved him to where his prye would be... Do you really think we would allow you to just stay out here alone? I should have known.. I am never really without one of my brothers..

His family? I looked to my father.. His sons have already started the prye.. and then I asked.. Why me? Why not his sons... My brothers answered that.. Because you cared Yamka.. you made that last warriors days within the harriga.. joyful ones.. you brought back their dignity.. You and your odd little ways.. He honored you with his last battle.. And his sons understood that.. :each one pulled my braid.. as they walked past me.. My fathers loving arm went around my shouler.. He spoke low to me.. Each day I become more and more proud of you Yamka.. you stepped out of the shadow you brothers created for you.. and you are walking on your own two feet.. He walked me to my wagons and then he headed back to my mother..

I hope the singers would sing his life song.. I hope that his sons realized what a great man passed through their lives..

I know I do..

Heart Songs

After Fonce left the streams to think.. I went back to the wagons. Watered my verr.. I felt like an intruder in some private dream.. but I stayed.. I wanted to say so much but I could not get the words to leave my thoughts and drift on the wind.. What would I have said... Perhaps I would say..

Can you hear me? I did not think so.. but I hear you. I can hear the pain your heart carries.. I want to erase it.. make it whole again.. I would tell you that I think of you often.. wishing to know you even more.. Your thoughts and dreams.. your fears... I do not bring great riches... fancy words.. I can only bring myself.. I wonder do you think thats enough?

I would spend each waking breath on making sure you could be happy.. You have such a wonderful smile.. Did you know that?

But I did not say that.. I said I would like to talk to you when you have time.. This is a new feeling for me.. Sheltered so long within the wagons of my parents.. I really have never stepped foot along this path.. No girlish crushes when I was young... With 7 brothers who could have gotten near me.. My goal of making the 1st Fires was met.. I am well liked within my clan.. I have my elderly.. my work.. my family.. but there has to be more.. Right?

But I will tell him.. even if it falls on deaf ears.. and he laughs at me.. at least I tried... and I would know.. Maybe he eyes for someone else... :shrugged: I hope not.. but it is possible.. I mean.. I do not have excitement to bring.. But I have hopes and dreams... I have so much to offer.. but I am scared.. never have I felt so out of step before.. Its like there is a barrier I am trying to overcome. Maybe I should not say anything.. Its all so confusing... On one hand.. I want to tell him. and on the other hand I do not want to seem like I am pushy.. this is all making my head hurt...

A Woman of Means

Thats what Cana said I was becoming.. but they are just things.. I am happy to have them don't get me wrong.. but its not everything..

When Agy arrived at the fires last night.. He was starving.. How he can go all day without eating... :grunts: I got him some stew and blackwine.. He mentioned that there was a new wagon and 4 bosk behind his that were mind.. 2 wagons.. cause Cana gave me the one she let me borrow.. a gift she said for becoming of the 1st fires.. So now I have 2 wagons and 8 bosk..a treasure chest. a new rug.. and then Ayg said that a male and female verr would be brought to me.. and they were.. for the starting my own herd.. Me with a herd of verr.. I can not wait to tell my brothers.. Now they can not say I am just a girl-child anymore.. I am a woman of means.. :chuckled:

Fonce had two women dumped on him last night.. it was kinda funny.. I wonder where they came from? And better yet why were they on our lands.. The one with red hair said we were outlaws. and the OR stole her sleen, verr and her bosk... :snorts: Adlebrained city woman.. I had to leave before it was settled.. but I am sure by now she is just a slave.. and not a very bright one at that... She wanted to know what kind of bond she would be.. a what? guess where she came from a bond is a slave.. Like she has a choice.. go figure..

And this is why I do not wander from our lands.. I stay close to the wagons. or the streams. the edge of the herd on the wagon side.. Nope.. not gonna put myself in her place..

Love at First Sight

It was very early when I checked on Cana's wagons.. each tarp.. each rein every piece of leather was examined.. They all seemed to be in good shape.. I then ran towardsthe herds.. I wanted to see Ayg's new babies.. It did not take long to find them.. I clicked my tongue to see if I could get them to come to me... their mama was not exactly pleased but they in their wabbly gate did come and it was love at first sight.. I petted and coo'd, they licked the salt from my hand.. I was captured. Not exactly how I imagined.. but I could not pull myself away.. I think I stood there with them forever it seemed.. before I was called back to the real world.. and the tasks I had to take care of..

The Gift

After a good nights sleep.. I traveled to my parents wagon for some of my mothers eggs and bosk... As I leaned over the fire my amulet dropped from beneath my tunic... it caught my mothers eye..Where did you get this... her fingers touched it lightly..

I smiled. Tarra gave it to me.. isn't it the most lovely of things? Its like it was made for me.. the colors and the wagons.. I will wear it always.. but under my tunic.. I would not anyone to want one just like it.. I think Tarra made it.. it was a gift for making tribe.. and I ama to have my own kailla soon also.. I made some bench covers for the wagon maker..

Mother leaned over and kissed my cheek.. soon you will be mated off and won't have time for you mama... Pursing my lips.. I looked at her and gave her a hug. and whispered.. I will always have time for my Mama.. My father stepped out from the wagon.. and stretched.. Did you eat Yamka? I nodded: Well then lets go to work.. many things to do now that we have arrived at the southern camp..

And so we walked together.. My fathers arm around my shoulder..

My Ramblings

I have not really expressed my feelings on proving myself to the become part of the 1st fires.. I am proud.. excited.. It was like a benchmark I set for myself and surpassed it.. An internal sense of pride that no one can take away.. I think I was trying to hard at first.. to please.. to find my place.. and with just a simple request of Cana.. I found it without looking.. I was enjoying myself so much that I never realized it was a lesson..

The elderly sometimes overlooked.. misjudged.. ignored.. and sometimes mistreated.. have become part of my heart.. I know some will pass on.. I undertand its a part of life.. and the circle we form.. but my heart will ache I am sure. I invited one of the old woman to come to the clan fires.. where she once worked her fingers off.. but was set aside by her son when he felt she had become to old.. I could see life flow through her fingers to the leather piece she was working on. There was a shine in her eyes.. I sat next to her as she showed me what she was working on.. I could learn alot from her.. She would tell me stories of the way it was when she was a young woman first finding her place.. She said she never wanted to be of the inner circle of the 1st fires.. all her friends were in the outer wagons, and she was content there. She had beenn claimed not long after her nosering was placed...I asked her if she had loved her mate or had he been chosen for her.. She smiled and patted my hand. Well.. you see it was this way.. My father did not like him.. He was a proud warrior.. and would strut around camp saying soon I would be his.. this irked my father to no end.. And I knew my father would never approve the match.. so. I did what ever good tuchuk woman would do.. I told my father under no certain way would I let that man claim me.. Now.. my father was a man that you did not tell what you were going to do.. but he was a man and did not see through my ruse.. So.. my father.. spoke to Drakes father and the two of them set it up.. :she winked at me: So I got the warrior I wanted without my father knowing what had happened.. And what about you Yamka.. do you have a certain warrior in her heart?.. I hesitated a moment... unsure whether to confide in her or not.. but she was opeing to me. so I said yes there was.. but he would have to find me.. he would have to know with his heart.. that I could not tell him.. He was a man of great power.. and I was just a leatherworker. I told her that I did not want to seem like I was chasing after him.. that if he did not see me.. then it was not meant to be and I would accept that... But I smile to her.. if he does notice me.. and his heart calls to mine.. I would love him forever.. and take care of him.. I would bear him sons.. and daughters if the skies allowed it.. and never hurt him...

She patted my arm and smiled.. I hope he hears your heart calling to his Yamka.. when the time is right all will fall into place.. but what will you do if he choses another? .. I told her I had thought about that.. and that I would be happy for him.. that if that is where he was called then it was meant to be.. And as long as he is happy then all is right.. :she nodded her head: That is sound thinking.. but I added.. if she ever hurt him in anyway.. she would answer to me afterwards.. And the old woman laughed and smiled.. you do love him then.. and I just smiled..

It was time to head back to the wagons.. and I walked her to hers.. where one of her sons was waiting.. I nodded.. and hugged her... I will see you tomorrow..

The New Law

I was awake.. skies was I awake.. The elderly were at my wagon waiting on me.. To be honest I was kinda scared to look out.. You see the new Ubar put a new law into place.. The old warriors could be naked if they wanted to.. I had hope they would have forgotten by morning.. but seems their minds are not as old as their bodies.. and sure enough there they were naked as first born waiting on me.. I averted my eyes best I could.. Is it hot here?

But I promised.. of off we went.. thankfully the woman did not wish to be naked.. at least not around me.. I tried to say within their circle.. they did not mind seeing the men naked.. must be something you have to get use to.. yeah thats it.. gonna take me a long while to get use to this.. Maybe it will wear off.. one could hope..

I led them down the well worn path... it was like another world.. green and fresh. untouched since last we were here.. This was my secret place and now I have shared it with them.. I found a nice spot to sit on... I had to finish Tarra's vest.. some of the outer camp girls came bringing the food and drink and blankets..

Perhaps they were right.. if this brings just a smidgen of happiness then :shrugged: who am I to try and stop it.. but I do not want to see.. well you know... furring.. I have not tried it as of yet and not sure watching wrinkled old people would be any incentive to do so..

My Heart

So where do I begin.. My heart beats every time I am near him..but I won't say anything.. I can't.. We are all Ost's.. Tonight I wanted to just hold him and tell him not all of us are.. but I didn't... but it confirmed my thoughts that he had been hurt.. Still.. this is not something you can just do... He has to well he has to want to.. but he doesn't. I am just a simple woman.. I do not have layers and layers to unravel.. I am what you see.. Sometimes things go over my head.. I am aware it takes me a little longer to figure things out.. but I am not stupid.. far from it.. I am aware of whats going on around me.. I have thoughts and ideas... I care deeply for my tribe.. it will always come first to me.. before my needs and wants.. before my heart...

Tonight was an interesting night.. very interesting.. its funny how you can see people position themselves where they want to be.. but I am not going to do that.. I will help where I can.. do what I can.. and stay out of trouble..

I have to remember to tell mother about Seve..and her ceremony.. I know she will want to come..

Well I need to hit the furs... we are going on an adventure in the morning.. I have to be ready for that..

Can It be True?

The most amazing thing happened at the fires last night.. I was not thinking it would happen at least not yet.. But it is as they saw.. when you least expect something it happens.. Ayg is now the Ubar until Cana's warrior comes home...He asked me a question.. and then told me to stand.. I hope no one else heard my knees knocking. And he looked at Cana and Tarra.. and said this is Yamaka woman of the circle of the 1st fires.. I wanted to run and hug him.. but I didn't.. but I really wanted to.. Odd.. I do not feel any different.. but then I did not think I would. but my heart was racing I was so excited.. I could not wait to tell my parents and my brothers.. and the elderly... but I had a sick elder to take care of.. she came first.. I had one of my brothers carry her from her wagon to mine. I had taken a few of the heavier furs from Cana's supply wagon... I shoved my chest to the wall. and layered the furs until it formed a nice soft bed chair... The old grandmother did not argue or put up a fuss.. I was glad.. She was soon asleep.. and I did not hear the rattling as I had in her own wagon..

I was exhusted and fell to my own furs.. By the time I had gotten up. the singers had already spread the word that I had now of the 1st Fires.. I got up and before we started to move.. ran back to my mother and fathers wagons.. My fathers eyes were so full of pride.. he captured me in a large hug.. and gave me the most beautiful piece of hide I had ever seen.. I guess he had been working on it for a while.. it was a gift from him.. Mother had made breakfast... I looked at her fires and thought even with all my brothers it was alot of food.. Until I turned around.. All my elderly were walking towards my mothers wagon.. The singers.. the yearkeepers. the leatherworkers.. the old warriors... coming to eat at my mothers fire.. I had so many grandparents it was not funny.. Each one gave me a hug.. some pinched my cheeks.. and other places.. those darn old warriors... It was an exciting morning. But it was gonna be a busy one... and we had much to do.. I slipped away quietly.. starting my day.. A Yamka of the 1st Fires... and I was smiling..

Spread Thin

I have been so busy I just fall to my furs at night.. but its good to be busy.. It feels good sometimes to just be so sore you can not move. I have been taking care of the elderly other than the spex's cause Tarra's son is doing that.. Working on the bench covers for the wagon maker.. and the project for Tarra.. which is halfway done.

I think its done my heart some good.. to have stepped away from something that was starting to consume my thoughts. Now that I am on an even keel.. perhaps things will be easier to understand. I know probably only I noticed it.. I am really sure the warrior never noticed.. but regardless... I had to fix it.. I have to remember that butterfly.. one small mistake in an action and I would be like caught in that web.. I would wither and die I am sure to have my wings clipped.. Its better this way. It is.. you will see I am right.. I am not sure I will live long enough to have mate.. I could be wrong.. but its has been said.. and whispered about in our wagons since I was a young child. Now that I would broadcast that.. but its a fear that I keep pushed way behind other things. It safe there really it is..

I heard the little girl was not feeling well.. I would go visit.. but I am sure she has so many going there I would just be in the way.. But when she is feeling better.. and we are finally at the souther camp. I will take her to a place I use to adventure in when I was her age.. There are lots of flowers and butterflies there. Yes.. thats what I will do..

Well I suspose I should get some sleep..

Stars I see Stars!

One thing about a good rain, is afterwards the sky seems clearer.. almost like its washing itself.. I love stars.. I love the night.. I feel more alive when its quiet. and all you can hear is the sound of the plains.. Sometimes its like you are the only one there.. and its all yours.. Ubara of your own little spot..

I have stayed away from the main fires the last two nights, because I need to gather my own thoughts.. I found I was forming opinions based on others.. and that is not me.. We should always be our own person not what someone expects or wants us to be.. I am what I am.. And when I discover that you will be the first to know... for now I am still scratching my way to find my place.. Maybe I have found it but have yet to realize it.. or nevermind I am making my own head hurt with such deep thoughts..

I have been busy though.. we have crossed the waters and now are regrouping to repair what needs to be done before we start out on the next leg of the journey.. I know that Cana's warrior has left on a quest.. so I will make sure to watch her as well as my elderly..I am sure everything will be alright and he will return to her.. hmmm maybe between that now and that time... his slave might learn exactly what it means to be a tuchuk slave.. :evil grin: Or maybe the sleen will eat really good.. or bad depending.. they might just spit her out.. I do not care for her much.. but I am not a good judge of slaves.. just not my day to watch them I suspose..

I will have to have one of our healers check on one of the elderly women.. She has gotten a very nasty cough..The weather really did not do many of them good... I will have someone check on Amerlia when I see one.. Until then mother gave me something to put in her tea.. and to make sure she stays warm.. I have one of my brothers slaves staying with her.. to keep her fires going and make sure she eats..

I also have one part of Tarra's project completed.. Now I can start on the other one.

Now back to my stars.. Do you see that one? Yes the large one to your right... see how it seems to wink at you? Its not really, but I like to pretend it is. Do you see those over there.. yes to your left a little.. It reminds me of the herd of bosk.. Large and powerful.. Those are the bosk that have given their lives for the welfare of the tribe.. they ride in the cities of dust with our ancestors. What you did not know that? You think a tuchuk would go to the cities of dust without bosk? I do not own any bosk, my father does and so do my brothers. But mother and I do not. We might not be typical as I am finding out. but how a man governs his family is different I am sure from one to another. We have always followed my fathers laws nd he has always followed the Ubars laws. But he has his own set as well. Respect and pride. Honestly and loyalty. And sometimes a little bit of fun. Mother and I did all the cooking.. all the cleaning, washing. Oh my brothers slaves helped some. But mother did not trust them so they were given chores that did not directly affect our personal things. My father has never actually owned a slave.. I know he has used them for what ever it is warriors use them for. but out of respect for my mother he never had one in our wagons.. She would have never lasted long anyway. Mother would have found a way to made sleen foder from her sooner or later. She does not care if my brothers have them or even if Father used them but she did not want one hanging around our wagon.. Wow did I get off track..

Do you like my stars? I do.. their are a comfort and a source of imagination.. and sometimes they can just give you that little bit of time away from reality.

Wagons and Water

They really do not go that well together.. especially full ones.. I helped a few of the elderly lessen the loads of their wagons.. Some were afraid their things would be left behind or lost.. But I assured them they would not.. For some, its all they have left of their past.. something maybe seem trival to us but to these people that have lived longer than I hope to.. its facets of their lives.. that they cling to.. it keeps them alive in some way.. Elphriam had a small box.. that he held on to.. and would not let anyone touch it... Not even me.. I did ask him what was inside.. and he smiled and showed me... putting a gnarled finger to his lips.. I nodded.. his secret was safe with me.. I got my fingers slapped by Magda.. when I tried to move an old hide coat from her wagon.. He had been her mates.. it was the last thing he wore before departing on us on a raid.. It was dusty.. I just did not want it to get wet.. I think she broke a finger.. :chuckles: Anyway.. I got them all done.. and we got their wagons moved.. with the others.. Now we can dry out.. regenerate ourselves.. and get ready for the next part of the move...

I myself.. own nothing.. so my wagon was pretty empty.. I have a few furs.. and a small treasure chest my mother gave me when I came to the 1st fires.. but so far its empty... Maybe one of these days I will find something worthy of keeping in there..