Regrouped

Twice now I have seen things I really did not want to see.. I am having feelings that are so uncomfortable even though I am told they are normal.. I have let these feelings drain every bit of good energy I had and cause me to be very sad and hurt.. I can not and will not allow myself to be bitter or jealous.. I swore it would not happen. yet it did.. It took me by surprise.. I never knew that relationships were so full of twists and turns.. and that this would hurt so damn much.. There is a helpfless feeling that overwhelms you.. because there is not a thing one can do..

So what do I do.. do I allow myself to wallow in self pity.. do I allow myself to withdraw and recluse myself. keeping away from what hurts me so much.. Or do I just move forward.. and let it not bother me.. I do not like these feelings.. I never expected them.. nor do I welcome them.. I do feel a bit betrayed.. because someone knew exactly how I felt.. and I have watched as that person inched they way into someones sight.. and stayed there.. Yet I can not blame them either.. there is no one to blame.. it is just the way of things.. To say that my heart not breaks would be an untruth.. for I don't think I have ever felt so sad in my entire young life.. but Tarra says this happens.. and it will happen again.. Not if I can help it.. not for a very long time.. I trusted someone to my utmost heartfelt feelings... and no matter what the situation that trust was broken.. who is to say whether it was done intentionally or not.. it was done.. And it was done as I watched.. but I can not hold these feelings inside... its not healthy.. no there is a better way to deal with them.. I just have to figure it out first.. One way is to write here.. to get all the venom out of my head onto this paper.. but how do you tell your heart to stop beating for one.. how do you tell your eyes to stop looking.. when you have figured that out please let me know.. I know I am young.. I know there is much more of life ahead of me.. logic tells me that.. but my heart says stop... stop... Until I can make that hurt go away.. I will concentrate on other things... my clan. my tribe.. my elders.. my family.. I have so much to be grateful for... that this one thing.. that I would have like really seems very small.. and who is to say that one day it will not happen.. maybe not with this warrior.. but maybe another.. My mind tells me that.. but my heart says never... never... but a heart can be wrong can't it?