The morning started out well.. Cana.. Tarra and I were already at the pens.. the OR had started branding.. I chased a few calves down while Tarra took care of the irons.. It was very dusty.. but it was fun.. hard work.. and I felt a togetherness among them that I had longed for. Ayg arrived no soon after we had started.. He showed me how to brand.. It was about that time Mezzo also arrived.. I feel in her shadow sometimes.. she is so vibrant so talkative.. I really feel like well. I feel like.. hmmm.. invisable? Yes maybe thats the word.. I don't know what has gotten into me.. My heart flutters.. I make mistakes.. I nearly fall over my own feet at times.. I stepped aside and moved to one of the OR as Ayg showed Mezzo how to brand.. Perhaps it was the look on his face.. or the way he smiled that caused something inside me to just ache.. I realized those smiles were not for me.. No.. I told Fonce.. I would be happy.. but I lied.. but I can hide it.. I have pleanty to keep me busy.. And right now I will have to stay still.. As a calf kicked me backwards and Kaeli said he stoved in a rib..
So.. we put a smile on our face.. and we move forward.. Its very funny how when you don't expect to feel anything you feel so much. .. But I am not ready yet.. I can see that now.. I am not secure in my own skin yet to try and make someone else comfortable. So.. there will be no talk.. I will keep what feelings I have inside.. I know Seve will never betray my heart.. and only she and Fonce know how I feel. And it will die with them.. I will take 2 steps backwards and one to the left.. Keep my thoughts to myself.. and practice my trade.. I don't think this are odd feelings. I am sure they are normal. But maybe I was too obvious.. I hope I have not made a fool of myself.. Let others make fools of themselves.. but I will not succomb to that.. No... when the time is right what ever is to be will be.. I am not going to try and push it and make it go faster...
I seem to always be in the shadow of someone.. my brothers.. now this.. It preplexed my mind.. making it hurt..It was really a very simple answer.. and one I had done so many times in my young life.. I step to the side and let it pass by me.. Besides I need to work on Tarra's hide.. and Kaeli needs new britches made... Yes I have plenty to keep me busy.. I had been a young foolish woman.. it was a mistake.. and I am sure I will make so many more before I am old.. but I hope the others do not hurt nearly as much as this one does.. For now.. I will avoid him.. stay to what I do best.. and yes in time it will also pass by..
No comments:
Post a Comment