Skirt for Mezoo

When we were at the love wars, Mezoo asked if I would make her a skirt.. nothing fancy, just a nice skirt.. but I would make her a skirt in my own fashion.. something very nice..

I found a nice hide of a light fawn color.. and quickly cut out the pattern for the skirt. I sat in the middle of my furs.. and began to stitch the pieces together. tiny, yet percise feather stitches.. as it began to take shape..I stopped and thought that it was too plain.. I pulled my box of beads out.. and found the colors or her chosen clan.. and along the side slits.. I would emblish the corners with the beads.. it was not much but just enough to get it a hint of color..

I stood up and shook out the skirt to make sure it was sturdy and that the beads were firmly tacked.. along the inside edge. I placed my mark.. a tiny yellow butterfly.. And then I headed out to find her wagon and Mezoo

Bring it All Together..

So now.. I have taken all the patches.. and set them to the side... I have the large piece of leather.. that was softened.. and the piece of sage from Tarra... I have also cleaned and soften some hair.. and set it on top of the large hide.. and sage was crushed.. and sprinkled inside the hair..

I take the other piece with all the leather patches.. and I place it just on top.. its a perfect fit.. Patiently I sew it all together..... There is a steel gray ribbon that Catch left for me.. and once I have the piece together.. I use this ribbon as a border.. along all four sides... So we have.. the 4 elements in each corner.. the spirt in the middle... we have the rest of the patches places around the heart.. and there is plenty of room for the rest of his life to unfold... ..

I lift this blanket.. and press it to my face.. I can smell the sage.. Its a reminder of another spex that I keep close to my heart... She has helped me along my path.. even when I falter she is there.. her words of wisdom I listen to... sometimes its very hard to swallow what she tells me.. but in the end.. I know its the truth... Her sage will remind him of who is he.. and where he is.. and that there are many that care and love him... even if he does not love himself...

Now I much search out the man that this life blanket belongs to.. I only hope he will like it.. and understand.. what it all means.

Alone Only In Your Mind

You are not alone.. never alone really... the tribe is full of people.. but in your mind you can create a spot.. just where you sit.. and you can feel lonely... Is that what you have done? Are you afraid that if you come out of that dark place, you might find you enjoy what you find around you.. and maybe that will take away from who you are?

No you are not lonely.. you only think you are... and so I have created this tiny patch.. covered in dots of different colored paint.. to represent all the peoples of the tribe that mill around you. just waiting for that smile... waiting for you to say I am not alone..

This is the last patch... for now.. its all I know of him.. there are many blank spots for things to be placed as his life goes on.. He has so much more of life to live.. and he will...

Now it is time to put everything together... and then find the person this blanket belongs to..

The Child Within Us

As I work on this patch.. I have to think on things I have heard or been taught.. that all our emotions are learned as children.. to love to hate to fear to be scared.. Our parents guide us in many directions.. but I wonder what of those children who have no parents.. who teaches them? When I think of the person this blanket is for.. I try and wonder what his life was like as a child.. I don't know who raised him, but I do not think it was his parents.. There seems to be some pieces missing inside his mind that he fails to connect to.. maybe its by choice.. maybe its out of fear.. Maybe those pieces were not nurtured and feed. and they withered without use... I am not sure... as I sit and think of him as a man.. I can see a scared child hiding inside his soul.. Its as if he wants to reach out and touch something he sees but pulls back and goes back into the dark crevice he hides in.. I have heard that this man has a very mean streak, yet I have never felt it or witnessed it.. I have seen it bubble to the surface when he is driven to the point of where one feeling should take over but fails to.. normally he leaves when this happens.. So as I think of him, what he might have been like as a child. I can feel the tears of sadness fill my eyes... I have to wipe them several times.. as I work on the piece of leather.. I lean over my work.. a single bead very small almost unseen is sewn in place.. amongst the dyed black square... I see him as laws, rigid with no gray ... And so that little seed.. is the gray that he lacks.. the ability to blend all his emotions good and bad.. that make us human.. love, hate, sadness, lonliness, peace.. fear... peace... but before I sew this square into his place.. I will seek him out and talk with him.. to see if I am right or wrong.. but for now.. I must seek my furs.. Sleep comes to quickly and then the dream..

The Makers Mark.. forever entwined within the story

I hope then when my feet no longer grace the grass of the plains.. and when my spirt walks within the clouds.. the blanket will be a reminder of our first talk of butterflies..

I sit quietly on a fur inside my wagon.. and sew tiny yellow beads along the design I marked on the leather patch.. yellow is my color... I encase the wings with a deep blue.. there are 3 butterflies fluttering upwards to the sky.. this is my mark..

I hope that if my friend walks the ground when I no longer.. he will let his fingers drift over the beaded butterflies.. and he will remember the young leatherworker that created this for him... There is no other reason than he is my friend.. for doing this.. In a small way I hope I have touched him in some way.. For deep inside he is a good man.. and one I am glad to call friend..

This small patch... not as big as the others.. goes beneath the patch of color..

Cutting Loose on The Plains

We were home... I could have kissed the ground.. While the Love Wars were interesting.. I really do not need to venture from my own wagons to live life.. The first thing I did when we arrived back was to was the stench of the city from my skin.. even though we did not actually go into Turia.. we had to mingle amongst them.. and I felt a film of grime on my skin... I headed to the streams..

My pool.. or so I have always called it.. was a great stress reliever.. I stripped down to the cotten smock my mother made for me a long time ago.. and just fell into the water.. it was warm and cool at the same time.. I think I probably stayed way to long in the water.. and my skin pickled up on me.. but I felt clean.. fresh..

The next thing I did was take Cloud Dancer out for a night ride.. We are now comfortable with each other.. and so.. we cut loose... I am sure the OR were laughing hearing my happy whoops.. as we ride hell bent for leather along the perimiter of the herds.. My hair was loose from its braid.. and it dance as the winds caught hold of it.. I have never had my hair cut. It nearly reaches the backs of my knees when its loose..

Cloud Dancer seemed to know each move I was going to make.. he never faltered or hesitated.. and when I let lose of the reins.. and made the ascent to my feet.. balancing atop the saddle.. he seemed to almost dance within the clouds.. my arms stretched out. my face lifted to the starts... hair flowing out behind me... I called to the skies to grant my friend her wish.. I called to the skies to give us a plenty of grass to feed the bosk... I called to the skies to give those the eyesight to see what is inside a persons heart.. and judge them not by what they think they see but by what can not be seen..

I rode this way for a long while.. if I closed my eyes... I could pretend to be flying like a bird in the skies.. I am sure I looked like a madwoman.. but I was not. I was a very happy woman... one who had finally found peace in her heart.. and the will to move past the pain that life had brought.. I had a dream.. Of what I had hoped fate would bring to me.. but life got in the way...

I called to the skies..

I AM YAMKA!.. See me.. Remember me.. I will always remember you!

Surprise!, Its for You!

Kaeli had given me a wonderful white hide.. it had already been worked into a soft pilable piece to use, but what would I do with it..I had been thinking of a gift for a while.. and as I thought even more my smile widened... I began first to sort through all the ribbons that Catch had brought me.. I sat down on the fur inside my wagon.. and picked through each one... and selected a color from each hue that I knew of.. each bright and beautful in its own way.. Once I had the ones selected.. I tied them loosely together.. so they did not get mixed up with the others..

Now for the hide... I took my sharpest quiva out.. and with an old skirt I followed the pattern.. and soon enough I had the basic skirt cut out. I could invision it in my mind.. as I cut some slits to each side... I took a small break.. and sat there thinking.. As I looked around my bare wagon.. I thought perhaps it would be time to make it my home... and fix it up some.. Maybe I could talk one of my brothers to make me a larger chest.. I had to smile some as I thought about it.. but back to work.. I worked the edges of the skirt with the small needle and thread.. humming along as I worked.. In no time at all I had the edges finished.. and the waistband done.. As I drew it together.. I could see I did have the slits all lined up the way they should be...

I reached over and pulled the ribbons towards me... and then slowly weaved them through the slits.. it almost looked like a rainbow.. I tacked each ribbon to the soft leather.. with little knots that looked like tiny buds of flowers.. a stich one of the elders had shown me.. Lifting the skirt.. I shook it out a moment to make sure the ribbons would wave a little when the skirt moved.. It was perfect.. and it took me most the night to make.. but I did not care.. it was for a special friend.. a very special friend.. and perhaps one day she could find a use for it..

The Fifth Element

With the 4 elements sewn to each corner.. I finally finished the 5th element.. that of the spirit or heart... how ever you wish to call it... to me it the very breath we take of the plains.. the grass the bosk the people.. our very lives are the heart and soul of the plains.. I took some red ribbon and weaved it in and out of the leather patch.. as our lives entwine in the plains.. so it did with the leather.. Once I had fiinished... I sewed it to the middle of the large leather hide.. so now it starts to come together.. and soon it will be done.

The Four Elements

Various things mean different things to different people.. but the end result is the same.. Water, Fire, Air and Earth. all so very important to our lives.. withone one the others would lose part of their purpose.. I am glad I still have the paints.. as I find a deep blue one.. and with my finger I create a swirl of blue... perhaps they look like the ripples the stream makes when you toss a pebble in.. its like out lives.. we ripple out into different paths.. sometimes its rough until the water calms and levels out..

Air. It can be a dangerous element.. destruction by the heavy winds.. or a cool breeze to ease the heat.. but much needed all the same.. I like the wind.. we need the air that creates the wind to live.. With a small needle.. I thread a pale thread and with delicate stitches.. I creat clouds..that seem to move when you look at it from different views.

Fire... a warm feeling.. the main fires.. my home.. a sense of family.. yet I have seen the damage a fire can do.... I wondered now.. how can I make fire appear on the patch of leather... I sat and thought for a few moments.. before coming up with a plan.. I tool a red, yellow and orange ribbon.. and shreaded it.. and then put a thin layer of red paint on the patch...then combined the ribbons into a multicolored flame.. and pressed it into the paint.. I set it to dry..

The earth... Mother earth... giver of all things... she feeds the bosk.. which inturn feeds and clothes us.. Again I have to wonder how do I create the look of earth on to a leather piece.. I left the wagon to get some blackwine and something to eat.. As I chewed on the bread.. a thought came to me.. it was simple.. yet would create exactly what I was looking for.. and so earth was created. a single design of a tree on a barren patch.. but the vibrant green of the leaves.. would draw your eye to the patch..

I soon had enough patches to start to place them together..

A Patch of Dreams

As the 1st leather square dried.. I took some sand.. grinding it up very fine in a small bowl and a bone.. until it was a fine mist.. On the square. I placed some paint along the bottem half of it.. and then poured the sand on top.. it too would have to dry.. Mixing some blue with white . I covered the top portion with the light blue color.. then painted some clouds.. and set it aside.. it would also have to dry.. I think these look like wishes or dreams.. perhaps things he never says.. but deep down I think he wishes for things... We all do don't we?

A Patch of Color

So I sat alone in my wagon... I had 16 leather squares all cut.. all the same size... the same texture.. I would start on the last piece first... it would be the easiest to do.. and it would have to set for a long while...

I had "borrowed" some paints from Seve... and dipped my finger in each color and drew swirls.. on the leather strip.. a few might know what it was for.. but to me that was not important... what would be important is that he would understand... So many colors brought against the black background of the square...It brought live to the patch... as I set it down.. I was pleased in how it turned out...

Home Finally

I had spent the day getting the eldars all back in place and dressed.. And then I spoke to my mother by the stream.. I took care of Cloud Dancer.. brushing him out.. talking to him.. as I would a person.. He is going to be with me a long time..

I finally headed to the fires.. and there she was.. in all her glory.. Mabel.. making a path towards Seve's uncle... the woman could only fit on buttcheek on the step of the wagon. and even then the wagon groaned.. I am not sure that the Uncle is ready for Mabel.. Then again I am not sure anyone is ready for Mable..

Fonce and Seve and catch were also there.. I was so happy for Seve.. I can explain it but they seem to fit together. I hope it all works out.. I would like my friend to be happy

(more to come)

Work and More Work!

Seve and I went ahead of the others and found a nice grassy knoll to sit and watch from.. It was the last night of fighting and I had missed most of it.. I did want to see at least one fight... and I did. It was very interesting... and our warrior won.. He did not seem a very nice man.. I kept my distance..

The new warrior Hanse asked if I could make him new leathers.. I agreed... he will trade me some hides for leathers.. The Warrio Vao needs a new tunic.. but he did not seem to want one so I did not push the issue.. I do not know him.. and so I let it drop..

Today was a little different.. I was sad we did not leave today for home.. but some trading still had to be done.. and I understand that.. I stayed away from the dwellers and stayed close to the wagons.. Ayg was hurt..so he was there as was Silk and Kam.. .. Cana showed up with a wagon full of wood... I really wanted some small pieces to make a flower box for my wagon.. and Ayg said he would have a warrior bring a piece to my wagons... I will ask one of my brothers to cut it for me.. Also he said he would have some of his men bring hides in exchange for clothes... that seems fair and I thanked him...

Tarra and Mezoo arrived.. so it was about time for me to find something to do.. before Ileft.. Mezoo asked if I would make a skirt for her.. she would trade something.. I said we would discuss it.... While its getting easier to hang around the fires.. the entire air changes when she is there with Ayg.. I can not breath so I find something else to do.. Its easier on everyone that way..

I was sitting inside my wagon.. day dreaming... and saw myself as an old woman with verr.. I hope this bitterness I feel inside goes away soon.. or that daydream will become a reality and I need to open my mind to other things...and possibilities.. Maybe I could be the old bosk woman instead :I grinned and laid down on my furs.. and just stayed quiet... no dreams tonight.. please.. I need rest so that I can keep up tomorrow..

Ready to Come Home

I am so ready to go back to the spot on the plains we call home.. Tonight is the last night.. and I have not decided whether to go watch or sit on my step. I did not go watch the last one.. I have come to the conclusion that having friends is a very hard thing to do.. Some how we are are splattered against the stream of life.. and its hard to be unbiased.. Seve is my best friend at least from my point of view.. but I also know she likes Mezzo and Asria.. neither one have much to do with me.. so I tend to hang back and let Seve do her own thing when they are at the fires.. Does this mean I do not like them? No.. it just means we are on different levels of thought.. I see things one way and they another.. is not wrong or bad.. but it does not make for friends.. And I am alright with this.. I can not be happy for Mezzo.. not yet... maybe never I don't know.. I do not blame her any longer.. and after watching Ayg for a few days.. I can see that perhaps my heart was jumping way ahead of my brain.. He yells.. he has to many slaves.. I think the more time I spend apart the easier it has become.. I wish he and I could be friends.. but I do not see that coming anywhere down the road.. I have a feeling that what friends that are women he may have... will be limited.. :shruggs: just my opinion... and would I say that outloud.. Oh skies no... Lately I have been keeping alot just bundled up inside.. hiding behind a wall of something or other.. When we get home I will go talk to Hiram about it all.. so I might get a little bosk spit on me.. its worth it .. it saves me from getting hollared at and I get the emotion out in the skies so it can filter itwas way to the ground and be held there...

I have my beads.. my work my eldars.. I am content.. Would I Like to have love? Oh most definately but when the time is right... and the warrior is right.. until then.. I just plod along best I can.. doing what I can do best.. Thats all anyone could ask for right?

A Fitful Night of Dreams

I thought the nightmares were long over... but I was saddly mistaken.. All the days activities and the excitement had pulled me into a deep sleep.. Much deeper than I had felt in a very long time..

It would seem my mind had drew me to a place I had stash away and sugar coated with my own desire to cover the pain it caused... My ringing.. My mother had wanted the women of our family to place the ring.. but my father had other ideas... I could see them arguing over it.. and my father temper flared as he slapped my mother across the face.. I could see her try and stand up for the right to place the ring.. but in the end it was his word that won... I had always said that it was a pleasant memory.. because that is what my mind would create.. but in reality it was a violent and painful time... There was no numbing.. there was my father.. and my mother and brothers... as usually my father forbid any other to be present.. He had my brother Sam hold me down.. as he took little care in placing the needle against the septum of my nose and placed the ring... It hurt.. there was much blood.. as he walked away and said "It is done" This was suspose to be a special day.. all my friends told me of their ceremonies and the joy they felt... I could see myself crying.. as Sam lifted me up... what could he say.. I felt the eyes of my mother on me.. There was no cake.. there was nothing... It was another part of being a woman.. As the dream continued.. I felt the shame I caused my father... I felt it! Me dreaming.. I felt the inhumanity in which he brought me from childhood to woman hood...bits and pieces of reality came to light.. Maybe it was from things I had seen while at the 1st Fires.. that drew these memories to the surface... I realized what I missed..

I woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweet sweat.. Another part of my past revealed as something I had made sweet.. I hated him.. it was his fault... Had I been born a male I am sure my life would have been much different..I left my wagon and sat on the step.. this would be one of those night I would seek out the herd.. but not tonight.. I would just sit on the steps of my wagon and watched the stars.. and hope that one day I would be able to face my father and tell him what I feel..

Love Wars

At first I was not thrilled with being here... I did not want to mingle with dwellers.. nor did I wish to listen to the catty words of the women.. I was a bit overwhelmed by our own women at the 1st stakes... To me they sounded more like snotty slaves than freewomen... I wonder what I would have done? I don't think I could have said some of the things they did.. I was embarrassed a little bit.. the turian women were just as bad.. I have to wondered where these the best? Mouths like gutter snipes? This would be pleasing to a man? Confusion seemed to just settle in my mind.. but I did not say anything... Finally we went back to the camp.. and there I was even given more confusion as my brother showed up wearing some silly looking mask... And announcing he was a black mask? Huh? I knew he always wanted that honor.. but I did not know he was one.. and as the Ubar pointed out. he was not... I think my brother was embarrassed and shamed.. the Ubar asked him to leave.. which saddened me to no end.. I had not seen Sam for a long while... and just the moment I did get to see him made me realize how much I missed my family.. Forbidden to visit their wagons.. pissed my father off to no end. and he refused to allow my mother to come see me.. My brothers showed up once in awhile.. but not ever often.

Even Ary was being nice.. I wonder if someone slipped him some paga slowly during the day... Poor Seve.. I could tell she was really sore... I felt bad for her.. but not much.. she is the one that rode that silly beast.. :she shrugged: We talked about my beads. and what I was going to do with them...I had been throwing an idea around for a while.. and then it fell into place as I sat there and watched Fonce.. I like Fonce.. oh not in that way.. but there is something about him something very deep that just brings him so close to humanity then draws him back.. I have to wonder sometimes who hurt him so badly in the beginning of his life.. because thats where it had to have started.. No love gone bad could have placed such a scar on his life.. No this was something from his beginnings.... but maybe I could bring just a smile to his heart.. so we will see.. Our beginnings I think is where our lifes are formed... Perhaps that is why I tend to see myself in a different light than others.. When you are told from birth you are unworthy.. it can tend to grow on you.. and form your own opinions... I understand now why Ayg did not wish to get to know me better.... I was not worthy enough to be an object of love.. maybe I never will be... I don't know.. but if I ever do get so lucky.. any child I have will know from its birth how much its loved... if I could pray to the skies.. thats what I would ask for... but I do not pray to the skies... I will have to rely on fate to intercede..

Beads

What an interesting night it had been... Seve and I were talking with Tarra.. I worry for the eldar.. she just does not seem well for some reason. I don't mean she is sick.. just there is something dwelling deep inside her and she seems a bit tilted to me.. I am no magician.. nor do I have the wisdom to find out what is wrong.. but I hope she understood when I said I could help.. I really meant it..

There was a large commotion over at the pens.. and Seve took off towards.. it... I was torn between staying and going.. but I went with my friend.. seems there was wagering going on over a man riding a kailla... Seve's Uncle was in the middle of it.. and after the warrior was done.. he asked if anyone else wished to try. Well don't you know her hand went right up.. I blinked... skies.. well if she wanted to be banged up and bruised the rest of the time here.. I guess thats one way to do it.. I would much rather just watch.. But she did manage to stay on for 7 heartbeats. and wagers were won... Cana arrived and the Ubar asked if she wanted to give it a try.. I kinda thought to myself.. Are they nuts?... Cana is to kailla as a bosk is to grass... But like men that they are they wagered... she told them to take the saddle off.. and they did... I think Cana gave them a good showing... and she stayed on for well over 11 heartbeats.. the Ubar lost some bosk...

On my way back to the wagons.. I spotted that vendor and his mouse watching me.. like what am I gonna steal something? Cana caught up and me.. and asked if that was the vendor.. and I nodded.. she told me to go get the piece of leather. we were going to get my beads...

Well after acting like his stuff was junk.. and pretending I was the Ubara... . I not only got one box of beads. but two!... I am rich.... I really am.

Peaceful

It was not a bad night actually.. The Ubar seemed to be off doing something else and so.. I was kinda just able to relax a little more.. There was a moment when I wanted to leave... seems people still want to put words in my mouth... when Cana asked me if I had told her no to the markets... I had to kinda blink.. I never said no.. I just did not want to go with certain people.. And I am sure said people would rather I was not there also... its a no win situation right now.. Honestly I can not wait til we go home.. well after I get my beads that is..

I was very surprised to see Sorrel and even more surprised at some of the things she said and did.. I wonder what she is up to... I gave her something to do.. to keep her body still.. it worked for a while at least.. then when Seve's Uncle offered to teach some to shoot the bow.. I planted that seed in her mind.. and off she went with the two of them.. I went later on but I did not stay long...

Fonce seemed a bit on edge.. and Asria did not stay long... then again she never does.. I have tried to bridge that gap with her.. but really to no avail.. its up to her now.. I am not making anymore attempts... Was telling me I would look cute pregnant a part of her being nice? Watching her it does not seem cute..or nice.. it seems like an entire pain in the ass.. To have your body stretched out and contored.. and then on top of that have to endure being kicked? What ever possed me to think that was something I would like to do.. :rolls her eyes: And then of course.. I have heard getting that way can be fun or terrifying... I am not sure cause its never happpened...

Ah well.. I have a few more leather patches to make to try and trade with.. so.. I will try and write later.

Words from my Mother

Early in the morning I sought out my mother.. my father and brothers had to tend to their bosk.. and other things, so she was alone at her wagons.. There was so much I needed to say to her.. and so as we had some blackwine we spoke. I told her about prospects not being treated as prospects.. She knew how much I worked to gain the place I was given.. but she said not everything in Gor is fair.. and some get past without doing much.. but its those that work hard for it.. that usually last the longest.. as they are the ones that wanted it more..

I told her of my heart.. and things that confused me.. Which I will not even go into detail here.. and my mother patted my hand.. do not be in such a hurry.. She started to tell me a story.. Once when I was much younger .. there was a warrior I wanted so badly to notice me... He was of the 1st fires.. and of course I was not.. he was a commander of 10.. and I thought I loved him so much.. there was another young woman.. and she thought to get this warrior.. so she would be anywhere and everywhere he was.. even as much as to push me to the side without anyone noticing.. Oh so what happened... Well.. my mother went on.. The warrior of course noticed her.. even though he knew how I felt.. it would seem this other woman was more outgoing and she was determined to get what she wanted... And so he started to ignore me.. and I was so very hurt.. every where I went their they were. he acting like a complete fool and the woman tried to act like she was something she was not.. Until something happened.. and this warrior was stripped of his command.. :I nodded as I listened..: So what happened? Well.. this woman.. had her eyes not on the man but on the commander... and so.. she moved on to a warrior that had taken his command... So you see Yamka.. Osts come in all shapes and sizes.. and some will tease you into a complacant attitude.. and then strike.. Did you hang back Mother.. and just try and stay away from where they were? . Nodding her head: Yes.. I did not want to see them together.. I was jealous of course.. but I was more hurt. He was the first warrior I ever liked.. :she took my chin into her hand: I know you are unhappy about some things.. but there are some things you can control and others you cannot.. a heart is one of them.. Just be who you are.. If this man is too blind to see then he was not the one your heart was really calling to... :I left her wagon as I saw my father coming up the row... Thank you mother.. I will see you soon..

Always Yelling

I don't do anything right.. he can not even speak to me with out screaming.. and in front of others.. And they wonder why I find something to do when he sits at the fires.. I asked a simple question because I wanted to make sure I did not break the rules... and he yells No! I would rather he not even speak to me at all if he can not do it without yelling.. I have never been by myself on this trips.. always under my fathers thumb.. never without my brothers surrounding me.. and I have never had to trade because my father always did it.. This is the first time I have traveled to these things not under my parents care. So I am asking.. and he is yelling.. and she just gets that fake I care look on her face.. Do they not understand. what part of I am learning was missed... I am scared to even move anymore.. I know what Cana said.. I understand it all... but do they understand.. someone is going to get hurt and its not going to be me.. they have managed to do already.. I try to keep a smile on my face.. but inside I just want to let it all out and just cry and get it over with... I had such confidence.. I was so happy.. and then in a flash it all changed... I need to find that path back.. Where it does not matter ...I just want my place back.. where I am safe and secure.. where I can laugh and smile without forcing it.. Why would someone take that away? I don't understand what I ever did to them to deserve this.. and why has no one seen this yet.. Oh I know the men are blinded by the smiles.. but the others? Maybe I am just to observant.. I don't want him hurt.. no matter what he does to me.. or how he treats me... I do not want him hurt...

I left them.. I just could not sit there anylonger... and went to my furs and just let it out silently.. tears soaked my furs.. and I cursed a little... and I felt a little better.. but go shopping with them.. no.. I do not want to be anywhere around him... but they keep pulling me ..

My Beads

I suspose if I had to be here I might as well see if I could find some beads.. Since everyone else had plans.. I ventured off alone to see if I could find a vendor.. I suspose my biggest mistake was not taking someone with me.. but the women had already made plans.. and I was not invited.. and my brothers did not want to go.. so that left just me..

At least I did not stick out to much.. There were so many others from the different tribes.. I asked a few people to show me where the vendor stands were.. some were nice. so not so nice.. but I found them anyway.. I had taken 2 of my best hides with me.. Hoping that they could be traded for a box of colored beads.. But this vendor was a large man and he had some veiled mouse helping him.. I could see the woman stiffen as I approached.. and the man looked at me like I was well.. We won't go there.. He told my my hides were worthless.. and that the box of beads would be 2 silver.. but I did not have any coins... just my two hides... as I looked at him: These are the best tanned hides you will ever find.. but the man shook his head.. 2 silver..

I found my way back to our wagons... where Seve and her Uncle were talking.. I was really not in a frame of mind to talk to anyone.. and if I could turn my wagon around and go back home I would have right then and there.. but I am surrounded by other wagons... and so I will just wait out the time..

I really wanted those beads.. they were sparkly and shiny.. and would have made such great patterns on the leather.. but it was not meant to be..

Oh Bother!

I woke up to the sounds of my wagon moving.. I laid there a moment.. thinking.. I don't remember hooking up the bosk... I scramble to get dressed and I peek out the flap and there is my brother Raven.. just grinning as he held on to the reins.. HEY!

He turned his head.. Bout time you woke up sleepy head... I crossed my arms.. and just stared at him: What do you think you are doing.. :shrugging his shoulders: We are going to the love wars.. Well I think my face turned beet red.. But I did not want to go.. I had things to do... I could see him roll his eyes: You have no choice.. we are all going.. and you can not stay behind just cause you want to.. it does not work that way little sister..

So I asked him.. you gonna fight for one of those turian wenches? And again he just grinned... Skies how I hate that.....

I thought about the two women that came to camp.. one was very nice.. and the other... I was just biting my tongue.. I was hoping Tarra was gonna deck her.. but instead she just said she was not worth the time.. But this woman could run her mouth.. I really wanted to take her braid and slice it off and shove it in her mouth.. if I thought that would stop her vile words from spilling from her lips.. I am not sure who trained her.. but its one thing to be bold and confident nothing wrongwith that.. but to be rude to members of the tribe. Somewhere she was not trained correctly.. So I a hoping some turian wins her fat and yes it was fat.. ass.. and takes her to turia.. I would love to see her run her mouth then.. :grins:

If not.. she had better clamp her mouth shut.. Cause she pissed off quite a few of the free women of the 1st Fires.. Silken and Tarra to be exact... ohhh she was not smart in that at all... :chuckles: Nope Turia here she comes... she is all yours.. :nods:

Love Wars

The notice went out.. most the tribe will be going to the love wars.. it will give me time to catch up on some odd pieces I need to finish.. and some other things I want to do.. but I am not going with them.. I wonder if they will notice I stayed behind . . :grins; I wonder if I am allowed to stay behind.. With everything that has gone on the last few hands.. I think I am must better off staying behind...

I am not sure Fonce would like a head hanging from my wagon post... cause if one of those turians even got remotely close to me.. thats where it will be..

Cloud Dancing

I am happy that finally Cana and I were able to get together and the beast is now mine.. After a few rides. I hae named him Cloud Dancer. I suspose its because when I ride him. I feel like I am within the clouds.. no worries or cares.. I need that feeling.. So much has gone on.. and I have not really written much about it..But something struck at my heart so severe that I am not sure I will ever forgot it.. And not its nothing to do with The Ubar or Mezzo.. I have resolved to just ignore most of that.. but this was much worse.. and I feel that things were said to this child.. but not explained fully.. and the lie was allowed to be held as truth..

I found the magic boots.. pressed against the bank of the stream.. I think right then I knew.. that this was how it was going to be.. that this woman was always going to find me guilty..for she has in a way passed this on to her child.. an innocent that was brought into the world of adults.. The truth of the matter is.. right now I no longer care.. I spoke the truth.. I aplogized to her.. but she feels the need to dwell on it... the child should have been told the truth.. that lays on the heart of the mother...

I will continue to live and thrive... without their friendship.. if that is how they want it.. Cana and I spoke about my feelings for Ayg.. she asked me if I want him happy.. Of course I do.. but there is a part of my heart that will always cry for him.. And from what I have found out that is perfectly normal..

Life goes on.. it really does

A Girl Child..

This last dream triggered all kinds of memories.. some I guess I had pressed into a small corner of my mind and left there to rot.. but now they are in full bloom, and the pain a little easier to bear...

I was not a bad child.. I did everything I could to please my father... but I was always just short.. Now that I look back.. I probably never would have pleased him even if I had been a perfect child.. but I was not.. I was first off a girl.. something he really wanted nothing to do with.. and I was the last.. I know people do not understand my father.. and the looks among each other from some of the things he has done.. but as long as I had known him.. he could switch from being kind and almost loving.. to vicious... it was almost like 2 different men in one body.. and it was usually something I did that brought on that transformation.. whether it was a bad stich on a piece of leather.. to not moving fast enough.. or just wanting to be like my brothers... My back is riddled with scars from his punishments.. and sometimes I think I try to please so hard.. out of fear.. I have found that not all men are like my father.. One of my brothers had those tendencies.. but the rest I think fight hard not to be like him

My mother, of course tried to protect me from my father.. but he had a sense of where I was and what I was doing... He just had to same my name and I knew whether I was in trouble or not... There was nothing anyone could do really.. He was the male of our wagons.. his word was law.. and being from the outerwagons, very little made its way to the 1st Fires.. Now.. I am of the 1st Fires.. and once again word has reached my father of the last few hands.. and he has sent word he wishes me before him.. But now I have another I must answer to.. and that is the Ubar.. and he has forbidden me to go to my fathers wagons...

This is test of wills... and I am not sure of the outcome.. I worry about my mother.. without me there, who is taking his angry.. I know my brother Sam has told my father if he catches him or finds out he has hit me or my mother again.. he will regret it..

I have embraced that young girl child once again... what she lived now I feel.. what she felt.. I remember.. but this time.. the young girl child is grown.. and perhaps its time she took what she has learned and put it to better use.. and stand up to her father...

Can you Dance Yamka?

Can I dance? was this old man nuts.. I can barely carry a tune let alone let my feet loose on the ground..

Nope I can not dance... why do you ask Ephraim?

He just grunted at me.. In a hand we are having a dance back at the elders circle... and you are going to dance with us... Well hit me with a rock.. Me? Dance? So who is gonna teach me to dance within a hands time?

Another grunt.. I am gonna teach you to dance Yamka.. So did you get into some bad paga Ehpraim? Cause seriously I can not dance... my feet don't work like that.. I got one in front of the other down pat. and I can run..

:he crosses his arms over his chest and looked at me: You will come to the elders circle every night until that dance.. and you will learn to dance so you can join us..

He seemed pretty sure.. and I was pretty sure I was gonna look like a well.. we won't go there.. I had better start to practice walking to the beat of drums... Skies knows I need help.. Dance.. oh boy this should be interesting.

My first Ride in Ages

So I finished the saddle and took everything to the pens.. I was more excited.. and just could not sit still long enough to try him out.. So.. there I went.. saddle blanket reins.. yep I had every thing I needed..

I approached him quietly.. just kinda speaking to him in just a whisper... You remember me? . Cana gave you to me... I am Yamka and I am gonna love you and care for you... :he just looked at me like I was nuts: I put the saddle down.. and placed the blanket over his back slowly.. Now see that was not bad not was it... I took the reins from my shoulder and the bit... and fitted it.. amazing it was a perfect fit.. like he had been born just for me.. but now was the hard part.. the saddle.. So.. here we go... he backed up from me a little bit.. but I talked to him.. scratching his ears a little... as I managed to get the saddle on him.. I tighten the straps around him... so far so good...

I place a foot in the stirup... and just hung there, letting him get use to my weight.. before I drew the rest of my body over the top of him... There. now that is not so bad is it? ... he turned his snout around and just looked at me.. I think he was smilng.. So.. boy you ready to take a ride?

I led him out of the pens.... and just gave him a little urge... and off we went... There is nothing like the wind in your hair... Nothing like the freedom of a good ride.... We fit together perfectly... I would wait to try some tricks another night... Tonight we just got use to each other... one rider one mount.. We rode as far as we were allowed to go.. I missed this... this was what was missing.. This would fill the void... Oh man would it.. freedom!..like a butterfly in flight... cause I am a butterfly... and always be one.. Oh hell ya.. I am happy now...

The dream continues

Sleep did not come easy. I tend to fight it off thinking that if I just rest that as good as sleeping.. but somehow it always wins.. This night was no different.. Again I am pushed into the stream.. I have to wonder why? The only difference is this time I can swim.. and I do to the edge of the pond.. and I pull myself up the bank to the side.. Its funny I can actually feel the ground with my hands as I get up to my feet.. I pass a few people... I say Tal.. but its like I am not there.. they look right through me.. I take the path to the 1st fires... but for some reason I keep going til I am way in the back.. the outer wagons.. I can hear laughing and teasing... and someone is singing.. but what I hear the most are the sounds of a child crying.. I walk further and see a small girl being held by a young boy.. her father is whipping her with a kurt.. the mother is standing there watching as are a few other larger boys.. The Man is angered over something, the mother is trying to explain she is just a child.. as the man turned his deadly gaze to the woman.. "She will respect me and honor me... and she will learn to listen".. The woman tried to plead for the child as the man punishes her.. They all look very familar to me in the dream.. but until I saw the face of the child.. I knew . I knew then.. but why would I be dreaming all of this past. What has prompted the sudden returns of my nightmares.. And the child.. turned and looked at me.. as if she could see me.. large tears fell on each of her cheeks.. and I remembered.. I was just 6 summers old... I was just starting to learn my craft.. and I had not done something the way mt father wished it done.. I remember now... thats when it all started.... I went to reach for the small girl... as I woke up.. I sat there quietly... Yes again I was drenched in a sweet sweat... and I hated him at the moment in time..

How could someone whip a child that was trying to learn.. not even old enough to truly understand..

My Kailla...

I met Cana at the pens.. and there he was.. Gabe brought him over.. and I just knew he was the right one.. It will take a day or two for us to get use to each other.. but once we do.. No more walking... at least for a while. I do like to walk.. but it will make visiting the herds alot faster with my own beast..

Kaeli said to ride him and a name will come to me.. A name is special...and his has to be perfect... it has to be him...

I am go happy... really happy to have him... It was lit a small part of me was missing.. now I am whole again.

Day at the Stream

I got up very early.. and gathered everything I needed to wash... made myself a little snack and took some water with me.. and made a day of cleaning out of it.. It was a lovely day.. although no one ventured to the streams.. it was alright..

I shook out the cotton shirts my mother had made for me.. and folded them so they could dry later on the rack.. and my undergarments..you know the things I sleep in.. and I found an old pair of socks. much to be for my feet. but I washed them anyway..

And then I headed down the stream where there is a large secluded pond.. and took a bath.. but I could not wash that tainted feeling from my skin.. Its gonna have to wear itself away I suspose.. I hope in time.. it does... I know only I can smell it.. and its probably only in my mind.. but :shrugged: Somewhere in the last hand or so I lost my innocence.. and was dragged hook line and sinker into the adult world..

I do not like it..

I stepped right into it and seems I was the only one that got covered.. but I was not the only one there... so why was I tossed into the ceasepool of adulthood? I could sit here all day and ponder it.. but whats the use..

From my Mun

I recently heard that some of my posting have upset people.. and for that I am truly sorry.. this journal is not here to hurt or aimed really at anyone.. Its just the thoughts of Yamka.. I don't know any of you mun wise and have no alterior movtive in anything I write about.. I just write.. the words come out and set them to paper.

I am not going to curb or make it pretty.. because lets be honest this is Gor.. not something nice and pretty and where we play is even worse than a city.. While I will keep somethings out of this journal.. I will continue to write as I see fit to do so..

If you do not care for my character.. at this point in the play I really don't care.. I will play her closer to the heart.. and she will be a little less talkative.. but thats only self perservation on her part.. Things have happened that I controlled as a mun and somethings happened that I have no control over.. Do no judge her by others words or deeds.. and always remember there are two sides to every story.. and it takes two to tango..

Now on with the game..

Dreaming

A girl at the fires said if I drank some paga.. it might help me sleep.. so I snuck a little bota into my wagon and sat there looking at it for a while before I took a swallow... My eyes popped out.. as it burnt its way down my throat... and men like this stuff? I think for now.. thats plenty.. that is the worst thing I have ever tasted.. So I set it aside.. and it did not make me sleep.. Besides making my stomach feel like a pit of fire... it only created more dreams.. but I don't think I shall write about my dreams... I think I will keep them to myself.. I think I will just write about my day to day activites.. and let the rest be a secret...

The Old People..

I had not neglected my time with my elders.. In fact..I would relish each day and enh I spent with them.. The old warriors brought a smile to my face with their actions and of course their pinches.. and the women.. would sit and tell me stories of past times.. I would soak everything in they had to teach me.. I hope just a little would stay with me as I matured..

The warriors had gone fishing.. but I did not see many fish brought back.. interesting until one of the woman whispered that it was not fish then went to seek..

Oh do tell... :I had to grin as it all made sense now: No they went looking for those slave girls... I had to ask.. did any not come back? Well they are old you know.. who knows.. one could have over did it.. it could happen. But no they all came back safe and sound.. and with a little less energy... I think some were actually grunting... It must be some kind of warrior secret code...

The woman had a day of story telling and songs...I wish I could have been there for that part.. but I was busy with a task.. But I am sure there will be more days like this.. It fills my heart to see them so happy.. In a way its like watching history walk in front of you... They were me once long ago.. fighting their way through life as I am now.. trying to understand whats right and wrong... trying to figure out what purpose I really have.. and trying not to hurry my future along.. I love these people.. they do not judge or caste shadows..they are honest.. a bit horny at times.. but so dear to my heart..

My Mama Bosk...

I sit in the herds most everyday.. Its nice and peaceful there.. I had been watching this certain bosk that was heavy with a baby... reallly heavy... The other morning I could not find her standing around with the others.. And then I heard her.. bellowing... I jumped up and moved swiftly towards the sound. and there she was.. laying there panting.. her eyes looked for forlorn... I petted her head and told her I was there and would not leave her...I crouched down and looked her over.. and then scooted over behind her.. where I could just see the top of the baby's head.. She was trying to push but nothing was happening...

Seve rode up and asked what I was doing.. and I explained.. she looked as concerned and as confused as I did.. Neither of us had ever birthed a bosk.... She said she would go and get help.. thankfully Tarra was about.. and she came.. and so did Asria..

Tarra asked us to keep the Mama calm.. while she checked her over.. You could see her hands move over the mama and she knew what was wrong... Tarra is amazing.. and I adore her. Anyway it seems a leg was in the way and it had to be moved.. so as we all eased the mama.. while Tarra did her thing... and out he popped the biggest baby bull I had ever seen... I wondered who's it was... so I think it was Asria that said check the brand and notch... I did.. it was the Ubars..

Tarray said it was a good sign... I though how Ironic. Here all this time I was caring and watching his cow.. and never knew it.. Not that it would have made a difference.. Bosk are so very important to us.. to lose one.. would be heartbreaking.. but to lose another and a bull no less would be unthinkable..

I tried to catch him last night to tell him... but he had other things to do.. and then I think he forgot.. :smiles: I realize I am not on his list of important people to see and be with.. but I am sure someone will tell him about the bosk..

I am just grateful they are both fine.. and when I checked on them this morning.. he was already running around like he owned the place..

Alone

I have to admit I love my time spent alone in the herds... to watch them grazing among the long grass, to watch the young play and dance around.. It soothes the soul..

I am not sure where everyone was... it was just unsually quite.. Perhaps a night of paga and wild slaves.. or chasing their children.. put everyone close to their own wagons.. I had heard my father was looking for me... but I did not budge from my spot. I sprawled out on the knoll... I wish I could shut off my mind for just awhile.. there are so many what ifs that creap into the solitude of my thoughts.. I do not wish to be alone all my life.. I want the same as any other young woman wants.. a strong warrior.. not one to be led by the nose.. not one that believes before he finds the truth of things.. And certainly not one that would allow me to do what ever I pleased.. A strong warrior.. decisive.. knows what he wants.. and takes me as I am without trying to mold me into what he wants.. I have not yet found that.. I thought I had, but I found that I was very wrong..

I want children.. lots of them.. to dance at me feet.. and hear stories of days gone by.. to teach my clan to if they so desire.. Warrior sons that will take care of their mother in times of need... daughters to bring forth more warriors.. I don't think I want any less than others.. but to what extent would I go to achieve that ... I made a mistake once and told a warrior how I felt.. and it was kicked back to me as he chose another.. It will be a very long time before I even consider looking at another warrior.. Perhaps one more mature... who is not sidetracked by pretty baubles... :smiles:

I stared at the herd looking for the mama... but I don't see her standing around with the others.. I hope she is alright... I hope she had her babies with no problems... slowly I get to my feet and walk amongst the herd.. they are use to me know.. they act like I am not even there.. as I search for the mama bosk.. And I find her... she is laying down.. it looks like she is in pain and those large eyes look at me... I have never done a birthing before... As I run back to the camp to find someone to come help.. to lose one bosk is bad.. to lose 3 is not something I want to think about.. As I get closer to camp... I see..

Truth Be Told

I was in my usual place.. resting my chin on my knees.. watching the bosk.. it was quiet.. peaceful.. a place where no one can hurt me.. I was quite capable of doing that to myself. I mind and heart had manage to kill what ever it was feeling for Ayg.. now he was just Ubar.. I drew that protective cocoon round what hurt and shoved it way back inside.. There was no sense in dwelling in what was not ever meant to be.. Yet a part of me feels that he was worth it.. Some parts of hurt you just can not budge out of place and that is betrayal.. Within the past few hands.. I had seen things.. and heard things.. that confused me on what a friend really was. When it came to men.. I have found some women to be friendless.. I can only hope that one day they feel the heart pains that I feel.. Vendictive? no.. Some say it was not her fault.. but inside I know.. Words outshine the actions that I had seen with my own eyes..

And now betrayed again... this time by a warrior... of whom I know littel about or of.. and I am not sure why? Maybe I look like a victim waiting for an accident to happen.. but never again... Asria was hurt.. people are mad.. and I do not know how to fix it.. Her cold shoudler and that she calls friends was evident at the ceremony.. I doubt she would believe anything I had to say.. so I said nothing.. and this brings us to the grassy knoll where sit now.. He pushed his way into my space with his words.. and then asked me to explain mine.. So Fonce and I spoke.. not in great length.. I told him what was said.. and who was there... As always his words seem to make more sense than my own.. And so we both went back to the camp and I sought out Asria.. We spoke.. and settled it... Sometimes I feel she talks to much and asks things she does not really want to know... What Fonce and I spoke of is between me and Fonce.. no one else... As far as I am concerned its done..

After everyone left..I spoke to Fonce about my dream... A nightmare really.. one that seems to repeat it self each night I close my eyes... I tried some tea that Kaeli offered... but for some reason that only seemed to make me sleep more.. and the dream was violent and more colorful .

It started as it always does.. I am thrown into the water...I can not see who does it.. but I know they have large hands..my braid is ripped apart from its neat tight weave... so my hair floats in the water and wraps itself around my face... I can hear the voices fighting... I can barely make out the sounds.. its a man and a woman...kill it.. he said.. its only a girlchild... the woman is crying.. its mine..
A daughter.... I tried to fight my way to the voices, but again I can not swim.. I am bound by something in this waterery grave... its a helpless feeling.. The man again yells at the woman.. sons.. only sons.. you dishonor me with a girl? It almost sounds like my fathers voice.. but he would never say that to my mother? he loves my mother.. She will never be worthy of anything or anyone... His voice is menacing... almost a snear.. You raise her I want nothing to do with her... she is your child..

Someone grabbed me from behind... I could feel the cold steel against my throat.. I kick and squirm.. I can taste the blood on my lips.. as I wake up with a start... again my body and furs covered in a slick sweet sweat.. and there is blood.. My hand when to my neck but I could not feel anything there were no cuts.. nothing.. My hair is tangled and wet.. My body shakes as I get up and get dressed.. as I leave my wagon.. one of the nightriders.. follows me to the herds.. I went back to sit on my grassy knoll... and there.. I fell back to sleep.. with him standing watching me.. not the deep sleep.. but enough I hope to keep me going for the rest of my day.

Later I would take my furs and leave them on the steps of Fonce's wagon... as he requested.