A Girl Child..

This last dream triggered all kinds of memories.. some I guess I had pressed into a small corner of my mind and left there to rot.. but now they are in full bloom, and the pain a little easier to bear...

I was not a bad child.. I did everything I could to please my father... but I was always just short.. Now that I look back.. I probably never would have pleased him even if I had been a perfect child.. but I was not.. I was first off a girl.. something he really wanted nothing to do with.. and I was the last.. I know people do not understand my father.. and the looks among each other from some of the things he has done.. but as long as I had known him.. he could switch from being kind and almost loving.. to vicious... it was almost like 2 different men in one body.. and it was usually something I did that brought on that transformation.. whether it was a bad stich on a piece of leather.. to not moving fast enough.. or just wanting to be like my brothers... My back is riddled with scars from his punishments.. and sometimes I think I try to please so hard.. out of fear.. I have found that not all men are like my father.. One of my brothers had those tendencies.. but the rest I think fight hard not to be like him

My mother, of course tried to protect me from my father.. but he had a sense of where I was and what I was doing... He just had to same my name and I knew whether I was in trouble or not... There was nothing anyone could do really.. He was the male of our wagons.. his word was law.. and being from the outerwagons, very little made its way to the 1st Fires.. Now.. I am of the 1st Fires.. and once again word has reached my father of the last few hands.. and he has sent word he wishes me before him.. But now I have another I must answer to.. and that is the Ubar.. and he has forbidden me to go to my fathers wagons...

This is test of wills... and I am not sure of the outcome.. I worry about my mother.. without me there, who is taking his angry.. I know my brother Sam has told my father if he catches him or finds out he has hit me or my mother again.. he will regret it..

I have embraced that young girl child once again... what she lived now I feel.. what she felt.. I remember.. but this time.. the young girl child is grown.. and perhaps its time she took what she has learned and put it to better use.. and stand up to her father...