A Fitful Night of Dreams

I thought the nightmares were long over... but I was saddly mistaken.. All the days activities and the excitement had pulled me into a deep sleep.. Much deeper than I had felt in a very long time..

It would seem my mind had drew me to a place I had stash away and sugar coated with my own desire to cover the pain it caused... My ringing.. My mother had wanted the women of our family to place the ring.. but my father had other ideas... I could see them arguing over it.. and my father temper flared as he slapped my mother across the face.. I could see her try and stand up for the right to place the ring.. but in the end it was his word that won... I had always said that it was a pleasant memory.. because that is what my mind would create.. but in reality it was a violent and painful time... There was no numbing.. there was my father.. and my mother and brothers... as usually my father forbid any other to be present.. He had my brother Sam hold me down.. as he took little care in placing the needle against the septum of my nose and placed the ring... It hurt.. there was much blood.. as he walked away and said "It is done" This was suspose to be a special day.. all my friends told me of their ceremonies and the joy they felt... I could see myself crying.. as Sam lifted me up... what could he say.. I felt the eyes of my mother on me.. There was no cake.. there was nothing... It was another part of being a woman.. As the dream continued.. I felt the shame I caused my father... I felt it! Me dreaming.. I felt the inhumanity in which he brought me from childhood to woman hood...bits and pieces of reality came to light.. Maybe it was from things I had seen while at the 1st Fires.. that drew these memories to the surface... I realized what I missed..

I woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweet sweat.. Another part of my past revealed as something I had made sweet.. I hated him.. it was his fault... Had I been born a male I am sure my life would have been much different..I left my wagon and sat on the step.. this would be one of those night I would seek out the herd.. but not tonight.. I would just sit on the steps of my wagon and watched the stars.. and hope that one day I would be able to face my father and tell him what I feel..