I don't do anything right.. he can not even speak to me with out screaming.. and in front of others.. And they wonder why I find something to do when he sits at the fires.. I asked a simple question because I wanted to make sure I did not break the rules... and he yells No! I would rather he not even speak to me at all if he can not do it without yelling.. I have never been by myself on this trips.. always under my fathers thumb.. never without my brothers surrounding me.. and I have never had to trade because my father always did it.. This is the first time I have traveled to these things not under my parents care. So I am asking.. and he is yelling.. and she just gets that fake I care look on her face.. Do they not understand. what part of I am learning was missed... I am scared to even move anymore.. I know what Cana said.. I understand it all... but do they understand.. someone is going to get hurt and its not going to be me.. they have managed to do already.. I try to keep a smile on my face.. but inside I just want to let it all out and just cry and get it over with... I had such confidence.. I was so happy.. and then in a flash it all changed... I need to find that path back.. Where it does not matter ...I just want my place back.. where I am safe and secure.. where I can laugh and smile without forcing it.. Why would someone take that away? I don't understand what I ever did to them to deserve this.. and why has no one seen this yet.. Oh I know the men are blinded by the smiles.. but the others? Maybe I am just to observant.. I don't want him hurt.. no matter what he does to me.. or how he treats me... I do not want him hurt...
I left them.. I just could not sit there anylonger... and went to my furs and just let it out silently.. tears soaked my furs.. and I cursed a little... and I felt a little better.. but go shopping with them.. no.. I do not want to be anywhere around him... but they keep pulling me ..
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