It has been very quiet of late.. I have not seen Seve or Mezzo.. but I did see Cana and Kaeli head off with some OR and so I did what every good young women does.. I followed them.. We ended up at some dweller playground where warriors call out for others to come fight them..

Cana and Kaeil were taking care of two warriors that I suspose had sparred.. they did not seem to hurt to me.. they did seem a bit forward.. one tried to eat my fingers. I counted them to make sure he had not succeded.. Then he gave me a piece of metal to get some drinks.. I found the vendor and traded him for 2 pagas and 3 waters.. then made my way back..

It was not long before I spotted Tasco.. I guess he followed us as well.. He seemed as confused as me.. never having been there before.. There was a warrior calling out for someone to come fight him.. Well Tasco being the Tuchuk he is. went down and fought the man.. what surprised me and scared me was they used weapons.. Now I have seen spars before. but never with weapons..Cana and Kaeli both spoke to me quietly as I stood against the rail and watched.. be strong.. confident. support him.. my insides were a tumble of nerves.. but I had faith in Tasco.. this was a dweller he was fighting...and this was a dweller he beat... and I mean beat.. I think his entire life passed before my eyes.. what I wanted to say was Tasco.. that was the dumbest thing I have ever seen... but I didn't. Kaeli tended to his shoulder wound.. and told him 5 days.. he needed to rest.. and I was to make sure he did..

I will let Noni know.. she can sit on him better than I can.. but I will watch out for him.. We left for the camp.. and he said something to me that I had waited to hear for such a long time.. He had missed me.. I wanted to just hug him. but I kept myself composed. My heart was singing.. but until he decides what he wants.. I will keep silent of my feelings.. but I know my heart..

Just a Glimpse

I saw him in the distance.. but he did not see me.. I called out but no response.. It was very early in the morning.. and I had just came back from the herds.. I sat on the step of my wagon for a long while and just watched his wagon.. soon a slave left and crawled back to the slave wagons. Shaking my head I had to smile slightly.. well at least he is still alive..

I stripped off my leathers.. and released my hair from its braid.. and sat for a moment in the cotton slip I wore under my leathers.. picking up the brush I fell back on my furs and brushed my hair.. and then rubbed a little oil in my hands and ran it softly over the long thick mass of black hair.. and then brushed it some more..

Finally.. I laid back.. and tried to sleep.. I tossed and turned.. trying not to think of the slave that left his wagon.. she was not pretty not ugly.. she was nothing really.. most of them are.. used and put away wet for the most part. I can not even imagine what their lives are like.. being dragged off by any warrior and being used so many times .. makes me ill to think about. Not a life I would like or would even entertain.. but I suspose some women like that kind of life.. Nope not this tuchuk..

I rolled over on my side.. I still could not sleep.. I took a drink of water from the bota I put there earlier in the evening.. Sometimes I wish I be brave enough to bring in a bota of paga.. I bet I would sleep then..

Finally I think I fell asleep.. and when my mother woke me.. my hair was matted across my face.. and sleep long removed and laying on the furs next to me.. I pulled the fur around me.. it was not really as soft as the one in Tasco's wagon.. but it did its job.. Mother and I talked for a little bit before she headed off. Her and Nono were going to collect herbs for something their were making.. I fell back on the furs and pulled it over my head and tried to get a few more moments of sleep..

But at least I know he is alive and well by the looks of the slave that left his wagon..

The Ubars Herd

of verr

This gave me a purpose, maybe Ayg had seen the confusion and hurt in my eyes when I tried so hard to hide it.. Tasco had just vanished.. I had not seen him for many hands now.. So tending to his verr gave me something to keep my mind busy when not working with my clan.

25 verr now were 30.. 5 babies born withins days of each other.. 5 new names I had to chose.. there were 3 boys and 2 girls.. I would watch then and see what they acted like before I would name them.. but collars were placed around their tiny necks.. with a small patch of pink or blue ribbon sew on..

I did like the goats.. then again I did like any animal.. Sometimes I would take a bone over and leave it for Runt.. I would still take stew my mother would make.. after my brothers would devour most of it there was always some left for Noni..

Some times mother would go sit with Noni and they would talk into the wee hours.. Once in a while I went.. but there was never any sign of Tasco there. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I am cursed in some way.. doomed to a life alone.. no babies.. no mate.. no joy other than the daily ones that popped up.. Thirsty would find his way to my wagon once in a while.. He had decided in all of his 4 summers that he would be my hunter.. I had to chuckled after he left.. So. I attrached the young ones and the old ones.. just not the one I want.. I was getting use to him not being around now.. My life took on the same pattern it had before I met him.. Clan work in the early morning hours.. then the verr in the afternoons.. and then a ride to the herds at night to sit and watch.. By the time I would arrive back at my wagons, it seemed just a few slaves and the OR were awake.. I don't think I have spoken to a soul since the last meeting with the Obar..

Hallie and her host of admirers helped me separate the male goats from the female ones.. we build a little pen and put the mommas and babies in there and the males were in a separate one.. I tried to tell Ayg it might be too late.. but he does not seem to care for verr very much.. I think in a few more hands we will have more babies.. I can not wait.


All in all I miss Tasco.. I miss his smile. his sense of humor.. I guess in time that will ease some.. I hope he is alright.. I hope he knows that I really do care..

And a small part of me hopes he misses me..

Life Goes On

I took charge of Ayg's verr as he had asked of me.. It was actually fun to think I owned such a large herd.. each different somewhat like the tribe.. maybe they are their own tribe...

My mother and Noni had become fast friends.. they would both sit and talk during the night... I would visit once in a while.. we took stew and cookies my mother made during the day.. I am glad my mother has a friend.. its good for her and me..

Most of the orphans have found homes.. Thirsty's parents took a brother and sister.. as he was so proud to tell me. he had a new brudder and sither.. I loved that little warrior... I hope to have a few like him one of these days.. but at least he was not alone..

My elders had settled into to their routine again.. It was good to see them happy and secure once more.. I spent some time with the elder leatherworkers.. talking and chatting.. and learned new things from them..

I had not seen Tasco for quite sometime. I suspose he is avoiding me once again.. We never made any promises.. and I know he still is in love with someone.. I am fine.. really I am.. I learned the hard way with Ayg that I should never place my heart above myself and so I tucked it neatly away before it gets hurt again.. My life goes on as does everyone elses.. Its just a part of life.. and I have come to accept the fact that I do not attract many.. I am not sure exactly why, but I am ok with it.. besides.. I am a butterfly.. free to float from here to there without having to ask permission..

Well its time to head to the clan fires and begin my day.. I have many things to get done.. and now that my arm is better and my hands did not curl up with scars.. I can work once again..

What We Lost

I laid awake in my wagon, thinking back on the fire. We as a tribe lost a great deal.. but gained even more.. Its had to tell who we say we are sorry for your loss and harder to figure out where to start. Before the fire even began we lost Ba'tar.

Then the fire.. Tacso lost his father.. We lost Magda.. an elder, Zehpram an elder, my brother Ord his companion and his unborn child.. Thousands were lost in the sudden fire.. yet some have focus'd only on their own loss.. We as a tribe have gained strength in each other.. we came together as one to fight the fire.. We did not run.. we stayed til the bitter end... and then we stayed and cleaned up. mourned for our dead.. and moved to better grass..

I was grateful that Ongel, Seve and Tasco were there when Cloud threw me.. I am grateful that Tasco gave up his wagon for a night or two so that my wagon could be cleaned of my mothers things.. and hers moved into a new wagon Cana gave us.. so that I might have a place to heal.. I am grateful for Noni and my mother who never once left my side as I slept in the borrowed wagon. And for Seve standing guard.. I am grateful that Ongel sent information to the Ubar of my condition and where he had be resting. So many things outweight the sadness we all felt.

I am sure the rumor mills will be working overtime if Ongel had not let someone know that He placed me within the wagon of Tasco.. after Tasco so kindly offered it.. I felt the eyes on me that first night I was awake and sitting on his step with my mother and Noni and those vicious wheels of discontent began their unwavering stroll..But I did not let it bother me... For it is said that small people have small minds.. let the women wag their tongues.. I can sit on my own steps and enjoy the sounds of life building back up around us.

Nightmares and Men

I could not sleep.. my head was just filled with so much we had spoken about.. I grabbed my furs and headed out to the steps to sit and watch the stars... and think.

I guess Tasco had the same thought. he looked at me and I looked at him. I said I was sorry for my words that it was wrong that I embarrass him.. he said the same thing.. I just had made him realize something he already knew but had buried it..

He explained in detail why and what happened to cause this "code" to come into being. I sat and listened to him and then it all made more sense..

I don't think he could have endeared me anymore to him as I listened.. I hope that he is able to come from the edge..

Maybe then we can get to know each other a little better..

What I Want!

After the fires conversation hit bottom.. I left for my wagons.. Tasco stalked off somewhere to lick his wounds.. We did not understand.. Oh I understood just fine.. he wants the cake and eat it.. and all the trimmings with no emotional ties.. Just like some men

Well here is what I want.. and need.. A partner.. a warrior that will love me and only me.. care for me as I would him.. Not to be pampered and set on some shelve.. or to be his brood mare... but to share.. everything.. each deep dark secret.. two lives bound into one.. Is that out there? I am not so sure anymore..

I will wait.. I have all the time in the world.. and in no hurry.. I thought I knew something and I really didn't. So its not my time.. I will not change my values to match someone elses. They are mine and mine alone...

I have not turned off what I feel for him.. but now I see that he does not feel the same way.. If we are to be friends.. so be it. .. if he wants more.. he has to be willing to get off that edge he speaks of.. for I will not give another inch..

I heard and saw quite a bit at the fires tonight.. and perhaps I said to much and asked the wrong questions.. but there was a purpose.. a simple one.. but I wanted to make our ride special.. to see if there was something I could do to make it so.. but now I see that no matter what I had done.. it would have been special to me.. to him it was a meal.. not a snack.. :snorts: posions peaches indeed... a good swat with the pot more like it..

And she went to bed with a throbbing head... from the tension.. and would not sleep well at all..

The Code

I don't know what he was talking about. some code.. something that kept his emotions all bottled up inside..I told him that was the dumbest thing I had ever head.. Code and edge.. skies.. what is he hiding from...

And then by accident I fell right into.. it.. he was afraid.. and so I said.. you must be one of those men that think women weaken you.. I saw a storm in his eyes.. and he then said.. I am gonna leave.. and off he went..

Did I strik a nerve? Is that this was about?

A woman and a man together are not weak.. Unless she is a prissy.. needs to have everydone for her type woman.. But the right combination in my opinion only make the man stronger..

I watched him leave as I headed to my wagon. Now my head was really throbbing..

Aftermath

It has not been the best of times for me lately... I burnt my hands pretty good helping with the fire.. and just as they were healing.. I was thrown and crack my skull open and broke an arm,.. If I were a bosk I am sure I would be a fur on someones floor about now.. Glad I am not.. :smirks:

Tasco's wagon is larger than mine.. I am not sure why they rested me there.. maybe it was cause my mother was busy with the move.. and my wagon is full of verr and furs and my mothers things.. there is little room to do anything but sleep.. Cana has given my Mother a wagon but we have not had time to get everything moved.

I can say here that I do not feel well.. My head is still throbbing.. my sight is hazy and feel I am in a fog sometimes.. But I have not told anyone that nor am I.. we have way to much to get done.. and I do not need anyone to worry about me.. I will get better... just takes time..

Ayg suggested that for rumors sake I should move back to my wagon.. I will probably sleep on the bench.. I am not making my mother move everything by herself.. I wanted to lift Tasco's fur.. but I think he would realize it was missing.. Its the softest things I have ever slept on.. I wanted it.. but I was not in a position to borrow it.

Ayg carried me to the stream last night so I could sit with everyone.. Hell by the time I walked there they would have been heading back.. And he had two of his guards bring me back to my wagon.. My mother was being a mother and said she would sleep with one of the boys until I felt better.. It then dawned on me.. she could have my brothers move all her things.. They are doing nothing much except running and patrols. and digging.. and drinking..

I suggested that to her. So maybe today they will get that done..

I want to go to the streams so bad and just take a bath.. dunk my head under the water and wash my hair.. its caked with blood still. I think I will do that tonight.. I wonder how I can wash it with stitches there.. Oh well I will figure it out..

Bloodied and Banged Up..

Cloud had been in a snit all day.. I probably should have not ridden him but there was no room on the wagon.. He kept trying to nip my legs. No matter how many times I swatted him.. He was already agitated.. I saw Seve watching with that smirk on her face.. I waved to her and she came over.. Asking what was wrong with Cloud.. I figured he was either hot. hungry or just being a brat..

I know sometimes I can be blunt.. but then I asked her are we still friends.. I knew the moment my tears started and she got that hurt expression that I had been wrong all along.. We got that taken care of.. and then moved on to other things..like the orphans and what we could do when we stopped.. And then I told her about the caves I had heard about.. ohh that perked her interest.. we will be exploring those one of the nice days when we get North..

Out of nowhere things started to fly.. wood metal.. there was a loud noise that spooked Cloud.. I had turned for a moment to see what happened when he reared up violently and threw me across the trail.. I stuck out my arm to try and break the fall.. but all I felt was a snap and then pain.. I must had landed on a rock laying on the ground.. it knocked the wind right out of me... I laid there a ehn or two then tried to get up.. but my head was spinning and throbbing.. I just laid right back down..

Seve came running over and I could see blookd seeping throught the leather near her arm.. She was bleeding.. I heard her ask me if I was ok.. and I think I said its just a scratch.. I don;t remember really.. And then she paled.. she had placed her hand under my head for a cushion.. and came up bloody.. I figured it was her arm.. but she stood up and was calling for a healer.. the nerve she told me to stay like i was some kind of sleen pup.. as she ran off.. I tried to get to my feet.. my head was like getting ready to explode.. but I was not gonna say anything.. We are a strong breed.. pain is not suspose to stop us...

I guess she must have seen me try and stand and she hollared at me.. from where she was.. I bet the warriors that ride the skies heard her.. Stubborn woman I heard her say.. She and Ongel were at my side.. I was not sure what all the fuss was about.
I was mad that Cloud took it upon himself to just throw me.. I think I said that..

After that I don't remember much of what happened. Someone was talking to me about stew.. and Tasco.. but my memory is a jumble.. I remember saying I wanted to take a nap.. but I could hear voices talking to me... I had to stay awake.. the pain was making me just want to sleep.. I knew if I could just sleep I would feel better.

I felt someone lift me up.. and carried me somewhere.. and then I felt the softest fur beneath me.. I was thinking oh finally I can sleep... but no.. Now a woman was taking to me.. I think I heard Tasco as well.. but He is looking for his father.. no. no. . He said he found his father... noo I remember.. His father did not make it... Can I sleep now Noni? Yes that was her name... I remember her from when I brought over some stew and bread for his family...Oh no.. I have to make more stew.. I tried to sit back up.. but someone placed there hand on me and pushed me back.. I knew that scent.. it was my Mother.. she was here.. she and Noni were talking.. like I was not there... I just want to sleep.. Can I sleep now?.

Yes Yamka.. you may sleep..

Orphans

I was given Orphan duty while my hands healed.. I did not mine really.. I love kids. so Mother and I made a big batch of honeycakes and candies for me to that the next morning.. On my way to Noya's wagon I stopped and got Cana's sons and then stopped and got Thirsty.. that way the parents can get done what they need to.

Thirsty has decided that he is my guard.. I find it very cute.. and I was so honor.. He tagged along right beside me the entire day.. He said it was so I did not get lost.. Cana had also sent along her girls to help.. and boy they had their hands full..

Breakfast was first on the agenda.. fried eggs and bosk strips and toast with honey.. After we got them all feed and dressed for the day.. we played games.. and told stories.. and they even got me to sing... They did not seem to mind that I was a little off key..

I had brought some old leather patches with me and handed them out to the older kids.. and let them sew.. Some showed some interest in being a leatherworker.. others wanted to paint or draw.. or make things.. I could see some of our future with this little ones.. Each one will have a home if its the last thing I do.. I will make sure of it..

Noya's kids are dolls.. So many kids.. but there was Thirsty right there next to me. his little hand held mine most the day and he did not get to far.. I think the fire has scared quite a few of them.. Some asked when their mommies would be coming. I did not know how to answer that.. what do you say to a child. The skies felt they wanted your mommies and daddies and took them? I think I will let Noya handle those questions.. :grins:

When the day was done and Noya and my mother returned.. I gathered those I brought and dropped them off with the parents. I got a big smooch from Thirsty.. and his parents seems relived that he had someone that would watch him while they tried to salavage what they could..

Mother and I headed back to the wagon.. for some quiet time.. It was not long before I looked over and she was fast asleep.. I covered her with a blanket and then sat and watched the stars

Someone to Talk To..

\

I was so happy for Seve when she told him that Ayg had set a brideprice.. I know she wanted this more than anything in the world.. but she has changed.. she actually has changed little by little since the day she submitted to him.. And now that he has claimed her, I do not see the old Seve there anymore..

I guess this is the compromise I hear about when you get claimed.. YOU compromise and become that they want.. When he is not around she is looking for him.. when he is around she is almost in his lap..I gave up trying to drag her off for adventures.. I do not know how to talk to her anymore.. every word out of her mouth is about Fonce.. its like an obsession.. I love them both dearly.. but this is not what I expected to happen when he claimed her... I thought things would go on as they had.. We would still be able to go off and have fun.. but that was not to be..

I don't think I will be so obesessive or possestive when I mate.. I would like an equal balance of my life.. I refuse to give up who I am to be what he wants.. I am at a loss as to what to do.. I know she thinks I am mad at her.. but its not that.. Maybe once the newness wears off she will go back to being Seve. instead of Fonce's mate..

Myabe I did not think of the consequences of her mating.. maybe this is how its suspose to be.. at his call always.. Being an old verr handler is sounding better and better each day..

I miss my friend.. I really do.. but I will not get between her and Fonce.. I will not make her think she has to make a choice.. I am perfectly capable of being alone..

I wish it would rain... its so darn hot.. But we are on the move.. finally.. something to keep my mind busy... Sam is going to be driving our team of wagons.. my hands are not quite ready to take the wear and tear of the reins.. My other brothers have moved closer to the 1st fire wagons... I think the death of Ord has made them all realize what we have and how we must preseve it.. Its Mother now.. and the boys and me.. We are all she has.. and we will take care of her..

Cracked and Broken

For days now I have worn a mask that covered my feelings... I had to be strong..I could not let anyone see that I was weak with sorry..for me for my family and especially for the tribe.. I was not the only one that lost someone or something... There were many things lost during this fire... love was lost, lives were lost.. precious things people had taken a lifetime to save.. all lost.. in a flash of the flame our lives had changed.. it had marked us all in one way or another.

I still had not seen Tasco to ask about his father.. I have tried to keep a distance from him... I do not feel he thinks as I do.. at least not about some things.. he is a distant man.. he does not show how he is feeling very often.. I don't know if Asria is still feeding him every night.. so I left a pot of stew and some bread for him.. I also took some to his brother and mate.. and there was an older woman there.. Not sure who she was....

I had to visit my elders... to make sure they were getting along also.. Megda was helping some of the mothers with their children.. she had a wagon full when I went to see how she was.. She gave me a verbal list of things needed by some families. I would make sure that I let the clan leaders know of the need.

I went off to find Ephraim.. He had been burnt just a little trying to help another family gather all their little ones and get out.. His wagon made it through with the others.. He hugged me tight when he saw me.. and his words of encourgement over the loss of my brother.. I kept my mask on as he spoke... My back stiffened as I drew all the strenght I had not to fall apart right there and then.. I asked if he needed anything or repairs.. but he said someone from the clan had already fixed his tarp.. and he had all he needed..

There were many others I spoke to and made sure they were alright.. it was good to see so many had made it through..

It was late when I finally got back to my own wagon.. I had not eaten anything all day and did not feel much like eating.. I looked at my hands... the blisters had broken and were bleeding.. I kept them as clean as I could.. and used that salve that Silken had given me.. The wraps were just in the way.. I probably should have kept them.. but they hindered my work..

I thought I was pretty much alone... and I left alone.. inside and out.. as slowly the mask began to crack... the tears ran down my face but I could utter no sound.. I was fearful if I did I would weep.. and not be able to control it.. Seve seemed to appear out of nowhere and soon was sitting at my side.. I felt like an weak woman. and my fathers words rushed to my head.. Weak.. nothing... slave.. It no longer mattered as I laid my head on her shoulder and just cried.. All the emotions I was feeling just flowed out like blood from a cut.. I had to pull myself back into one piece.. as she spoke I was able to corral all those feelings and place them back in that jar.. I am not weak.. I have to be strong for everyone..

I soon went to my furs.. but sleep did not come easy.. if at all.. it was dark.. and I felt so very alone..

Mother

My mother is still a beautiful woman.. her heart and soul are hurting right now.. but underneath all her pain lies a careful, loving and fun woman.. I remember as a child she and I use to play games together while we would wait for my father and brothers to come back to the fires.. She had so much inside her I wonder if she gave it all up as my father grew more and more unstable.. Did she hide it away? Is it still there hidden beneath layers of life?

I have not told her yet what exactly happened to father.. not that I know for sure but I do not think he is ever coming back... I do not want her to hold on to that hope and let life pass her by.. I do not want to see her become an old woman before her time. Ord and his mate and child's death took a toll on my mothers mind.. I do not think she has actually grasped that they are not coming back either.. I brought back a hide from his wagon and some little trinkets I found that were his.. There was not very much left.. Sam said to give her time.. my other brothers are just silent.. I will give her some time.. and then she has to get on with life... She is needed at the clan.. there is much work to be done.. and we need all the hands we can get.. She is a wonderful leatherworker.. and it will keep her mind busy...

One more Search

I went back to the ruins alone.. I tried to think of those no longer here when I step past their ruins.. an old woman that always gave me a piece of candy to chase away the tears.. the old warrior that tried to teach me to dance. Some of my elders had not made it.. I can only hope theirs was a swift and painless death.. Most of them had gotten out with the others.. those I will cherish even more..

I got closer to my families place on the line.. or where it would have been.. I am sure it was just a trick of the mind.. but I heard it.. "Come back to make sure I am dead Girl?" I turned quickly but I did not see anything.. "Oh I am dead alright.. you made sure of that didn't you. I knew you were weak... you do not have the power to be the good little tuchuk woman like your Mother was

"Gonna get on your knees.. oh I see you with that warrior.. he only wants one thing from you girl.. and you will give it won't you.. thats all you will ever amount to.. I think I could feel his smirk. it was like all the evil that lived inside my father had taken on a voice in my head.. were these my thoughts my fears.. I stomped my boot on the dead grass beneath my feet.. NO! I am not like that.. You may have tried to make me weak... but all you did was make me fearful but strong.. My knees touch the ground for no warrior.. You will see old dead man.. I lifed my clenched fist to the skies.. You will see! Stay out of my head old dead man.. And I headed towards my brothers wagons... I wanted one of those hides.. for my mother.. to show her that while Ordd had died.. he remembered to hide under something wet..

Fire on the Plains

In my entire life.. which is young still I know, I have never seen so much destruction and death.. We all did what we could.. getting those wagons out of the camp.. the young the elderly..our families. I only got hollared at once.. when I took water to those in the trenches.. I was not thinking of danger to myself but only to get them wet rags to quench their skin and water to quench their throats..

We lost my mothers wagon.. all her possesions are gone.. I am going back again to see if I can salavage anything for her.. right now she is numb with sorrow.. We lost Ordd and his mate.. and the only grandchild that would never be..

We had gone to the ruins to see what we could find that was still usable.. Seve and I got separated.. I was looking for Ordd's wagon.. He was not with my other brothers.. and no one had seen him or his mate..

I wanted to just throw up when I finally found our old row.. and there my heart nearly stopped.. I saw he shell of his burnt out wagon.. the back wheel had sunk down and was caught.. I stood there afraid to move when Ayg showed up behind me. I told him that was my brothers wagon.. all that was left was the shell and a pile of wet hides.. He said he would send in men to search for to search for.. bodies.. I knew I did not want to see.. Maybe if you do not see it its not real? Maybe that was what I had hoped for.. but the men had come back... I could not hear everything. but the bodies had been found together under the hides.. Smoke had killed them at least and not the fires.. I said I would speak to my brothers.. and I did.. they all agreed to have Ordd's family placed with the others that died on that day so they may all travel together.. It was fitting.. my heart hurts at the lose.. Sam was going to tell Mother.. she had so much loss recently.. My father now my brother and her first grandchild. I can not let this weight me down.. there is much work to do to prepare for the move.

My hands are bandaged right now.. but I have managed to work with the leather.. to help the clan make new tarps and try to repair those we can..

Tasco's father is also missing. I spoke to him at the stream where i was soaking my hands in the cold water.. He was catching his second wind I think..And left not soon afterwards... Maybe it was just me..or the fire but he seemed in a hurry to get back.. Maybe I have offended him and did not realize it.. but I do not have the time to dwell on it.

My Hopes and Dreams

I suspose everyone has hopes and dreams.. I do as well.. while some have been crushed and put to the side.. but one underlying dream never seems to leave my thoughts.

I would one day love to be a mother... to hold a child to listen to his breath as I lay him against my shoulder.. to watch him grow into a strong and worthy warrior.. I guess I am no different than any other woman of the plains.. except for one thing..I am not sure how one actually goes about doing that.. I mean do you walk up to a warrior and go. hey I like you I want to get to know you better.. and then maybe if you like me we can you know... If it were that easy I would have already wrestled Tasco to the ground and said all that.. but its not easy.. its just not.. I am so glad this book is private.. here I can say I just melt inside when he looks at me with thosde coppery eyes.. that smirk... my toes curl... but he will never know that.. nope.. why give anyone an edge.. I have found that the less I say or think the less trouble I get into..

But I regress.. What else do I want... well.. Its a small thing I know. but I sure would like to know when to know something I say has a totally different meaning that what I said.. :grins:

A Drink of Cool water

Words of a Warrior

He found me in my normal spot.. near the herds.. He had his new sleen Runt with him.. Why is it I always seem to loose my voice when he is around.. I can not find the words I really want to say and end up saying nothing..

He told me a story of a good mate.. and as I looked into that make believe mirror.. I thought I saw myself.. a herlit.. a sleen and a kailla.. I think I went back to my wagons thinking very hard on his words.. I understood them.. I wanted them.. and I wanted much much more.

Two Peas in a Pod but are we really?.. Seve has moved forward in her life. While I am still paddling to stay afloat.. Things said sail past my head at times.. and I can not catch everything.. Seve has found the sensual part of herself.. the desires a mate and all the trimmings.. I am still trying to find that part of me.. I wonder does it even exist?

I don't ask her to come on my short adventures very often.. Why get the both us in trouble.. She has much more to lose than I certainly do.. But there is a part of me that wants to be more flirty.. more open.. but I keep my guard up all the time.. even when I try to remove it.. one thing is said or done and its back in place.

She did manage to find me the other night... at the stream.. I was thinking.. and trying to foget what had happened with Kam at the main fires. I was trying to figure out what horrible thing I had done to have him throw his lance at my feet..but I gave up trying..

But we were two peas in a pod at one time.. and I shall treasure those times in my memories..

Where Did You Come From?

I was about to make my way back from the herds.. when I saw something move in the tall grass.. I stood there watching to see what the heck it was.. when out popped a small boy.. He was between me and a large bull bosk.. so moved slowly towards him. not to startle the bull.. When I got close enough I scooped him up and carried him far enough away from the bull.

I did not reconize him.. must be a little one from the outerwagons.. I got down to his level.. So how who are you and where did you come from? He looked at me with those large dark eyes.. and pointed towards the outerwagons.. He looked at me so seriously.. as he said he was called Thirsty... I tried not to chuckle.. as he went on: Momma calls me Thirsty :he took a deep breath: cuz I like to dink water alls the time.. :he then smiled up at me: So where are you parents now? I thought and why is he out here all alone?

He puffed out his chest.. and then crossed his arms.. :Theys losted.. Well that made my brow rise as I looked down at him.. So do you know where you wagon is?

He smiled at me and nodded: Mes not losted theys are.. So I hoisted up on Cloud and I got up behind him.. and said led on oh little warrior... a grin to my face..

So off we went.. when we got closer to those wagons.. I stopped Cloud and slid off.. and plucked him down.. Well there are thousands of wagons.. but he seemed to know where he was going as he slid his small hand into mine and tugged me along a well worn path.. Probably how he found himself out in the herds.

As we got closer you could see that something was out of place.. people were running around... looking under wagons.. and then I heard his name being called.. he grinned up at me and exclaimed: "Thats me! I am Thirsty.. .. a quick nod of my head as we moved closer.. I could see a young woman fretting near her wagon. a warrior rubbing his temples.. as he broke loose from my hand and ran towards them.. He looked back at me and yelled.. We founded them! I walked towards the parents.. as the father picked up his son and flung him around in the air.. Thirsty where have you been? I stopped not far from their wagon.. as the little boy explained he was looking for them all over the place and that this lady :he pointed to me: brought him back here.

The warrior walked towards me.. a wide grin to his face as he explained. the he and his mate.. seemed to get lost quite abit.. and Thirsty has to go looking for them.. I understood perfectly.. Well I am glad he found you... He was this close to being walked over by a large bull.. The warrior and his mate thanked me.. and I turned and headed back to the beast.. I felt a slight bump that nearly knocked me forward.. when I felt those small hands wrapped around my knees..He looked at me so seriously. You can come help me find my mama and da anytime... I ruffled his hair and gave him a smile.. Why little warrior I would be most honored to come on your search adventures.. He gave me a nod and ran back to his parents.. I noticed his boots and made note to get a new pair sent to his wagons..

Emotional Breakdown

With everything that has been going on my mind is just a tumble mass of emotions that range from anger to lust to fear to courage.. I am a slave to my thoughts.. and I have to control each one to stay afloat..

I looked at my family and I find the courage to carry on day to day.. to always prove where my heart lies.. Ayg and I finally buried the hacket as they say.. and what ever line I had drawn between Mezoo and myself has vanished... I am angry over the actions of those I call family.. I find myself thinking of Tasco and a tiny bit if lust creaps into my thoughts.. and that causes fear that I might overstep.. Now that I would ever have the chance.. Each time we are around each other I can feel the tension of something.. and then a distraction appears.... My reaction is to step back.. Its what I do the best..

I am frustrated that things between Seve and Fonce have not been seen by others.. I am not sure why.. are people blind not to see there is a bright light that glows when they are with each other? Does someone need a pot upside the head?

Love.. an over used and overrated word.. its an emotion that fills everyone a differnt way and is shown in their own fashion... What is love to me.. might not be the same for you.. Love... what it is anyway

The desire to be with someone.. the desire to spend the energy to get to know them. to touch their minds and hearts... To know that if you close your eyes.. you can feel them inside you.. touching without touching..

Love is what you want it to be..

Love is the taste of warm honey running down your chin.. your tongue darting out to capture it.. Love is sharing a sweet with a friend.. a chaste kiss.. a touch of a warm hand.. its not tangible.. You can not measure it.. You can only feel it..

Which way?

I was a comfort to have my mother near my wagons again. I really needed to talk to someone.. Someone I trusted.. So we sat on the step of her wagon and we talked about life and warriors... love and mistrust..

I told her about Tasco and how we met.. and talked. We spoke about feelings and how sometimes people will walk all over others to get what they want.. I nodded.. as I spoke softly: Everything time Tasco gets near. Asria appears.. I want to get to know him.. but I am afraid she is overpowering.. I can not get a word in edgewise.. she feeds him every night.. not sure what else she does.. Seems when we do have a moment to speak she wants to take him off to speak to him..

My mother patted my hand and smiled..and spoke in a gentle tone: Yamka. those kind of women sometimes get what they want and more than they asked for.. They smile to your face then do all they can to cause strife and discord.. My advice to you is to told true to yourself.. Do not fall into her game.. for then you look foolish.. If this warrior has any mettle in him, he will see right through her.. This is the same women you told me was after the warrior Fonce? :I nodded my head: Yes.. and the moment she saw Tasco she made it a point to chase after him.. I will not chase Mother.. its not me.. If what I am is not good enough then he is not the warrior for me. :I leaned forward on my elbows.. and looked at her: I like this warrior Mother.. I want to get to know him... his likes his dislikes.. his thoughts how he feels... but I feel it drifting further and further away.. How do you come close to showing someone how you feel or are.. when there are distractions.. always distractions..

I am not sure if the tears started after or before I spoke.. but I know a few ran down my cheeks... Is it always this way Mother.. is it always this hard? She wiped my tears.. and smiled as she hugged me close.. Yes.. its always this hard.. life is hard and there are many kinds of people to deal with.. and some just not as nice as others.. Just be yourself... and do not fall into her trap.. or any traps set before you.. Some you think are friends. lie in wait for you to make a mistake.. so they can throw it back to you. Do your work. keep your nose clean.. and everything should be alright.

When did you Change?

How did I miss it?

I dont know when exactly it happened.. maybe when she gave up all she was to show Fonce how much she meant her words.. maybe it was when she was freed.. I am not sure... but slowly right beneath my own eyes she changed.. The carefree spirit that made up my friend somehow let the adult move ahead of it... The same thing happened with Mezoo.. her demeanor changed also when a man became a part of her life..

I don't want to change.. give up that little bit of freedom to soar with the clouds. when I want to... to adventure.. to be what I am.. I think I always knew she would change.. I am happy for her and Mezoo.. do not misunderstand me.. but I am curious as I watch them interact with their loves.. Its almost like watching a piece of clay form itself to what the man desires. I have to wonder if this is not a defeat in a way.. for wasn't that little bit of herself that attracted him in the first place?

I do not see any compromise on the side of the male.. I do not see them changing forming into what the woman desires...maybe they are not suspose to. I really do not know..

What I do know is I miss Seve.. We will always be friends.. but I understand our time of adventures is over.. that she has to act a certain way now.. She will teeter on the edge of adventures.. but never will she jump in with that carefree spirit again..

I suspose one day I will have to stop my adventures.. until that time...

The Nest

Its amazing what a little suggestion can turn into.. and without going into great detail... I sorta have my things back.. We did get the nest down from the top of Agy's wagon. withe the help of Ollie... but no sooner had we down and looked at everything that was in it... Ayg took it from me and place it on the top of my wagon.. I saw no logic in this wasted effort.. I realize the point he was trying to make.. however.. now I have to get it down again.. And I have to make some honeycakes for Ollie..

After everyone had gone to their furs.. Ollie finally arrived.. I explained what had happened.. and he chuckled.. and in two short moves he had the nest back down.. he said and talked for a bit.. And I found out something very interesting.. he has a made crush on Mable's sister Tiny... I nearly choked on the honey cake.. and he patted my back a few times... as it popped out and landed on the ground.. and don't you know that damn bird.. swooped down and stole it.. I swear that bird hates me.. but he will make a nice stew once I get him in my sites..

So with Ollie heading off to find the love of his life. . I took a small bowl and wash the poop off everything.. and would take the silver stir thingy to Mezoo.. and Seve's silver pendant back to her.. and the rest I would rest on Ayg's steps.. cause I took what was mine.. I don't know who the rest belong to..

Quiet Night

I knew somehow I had to get to the top of the ubars main wagon.. but for now that would have to wait.. I was about to leave when Tasco showed up.. and low and behold Asria was all of a sudden sitting at her wagon.. I said Tal to both..

I am at odds with how I feel about certain things.. I guess I see things on a different scale than others.. I am not a loud person. I do not always talk alot.. and I try not to show my feelings through body movements.. I dont really dislike anyone.. but there are some I feel very close to.. others. I.. well I do not trust..

Asria asked if she could fix him a plate.. and before he could answer she was already at the fires filling one.. but he had already eaten.. another woman fixed him a plate. he said she talked to much though and ruined his meal so he left.. I offered the suggestion of chewing on mint.. he said he only used mint for one thing.. Yeah I asked.. go figure.. he said Kissing.. I suspose he was trying to get a rise out me.. but I did not jump to the occasion.. I just laughed softly..

I guess we were not talking enough. I asked if he wanted to help me catch the magpie.
but he informed me he did not do birds... No biggie..I will catch it myself. He announced he was going to the stream.. and Asria jumped righth in and said could she go.. I did not say anything... I was comfortable where I was and did not need to chase after the warrior to the stream.. I do not know why Asria does not like me.. other than the one incident I have kept my distance.. she talks to much for me... I like quiet sometimes.. But I was thinking as I watched her all girly like and ready to pounce.. Sometimes I wish I could be alittle like that.. and then other times I am sooo glad I am not... I would much rather be doing something else than acting all prissy and prowling for warriors... Do I like Tasco? Sure what I know of him.. but I have had little time to get to know him.. And am I gonna chase after him? Nope.. did that been there.. do not need anymore hurt feelings.. i am find in my skin just the way I am.. some may not understand it. but really its not their place to understand it.. Accept me for who I am and what I am.. do not try and make me into you....it does not work.

So anyway it was time to get up.. And as I got dressed and headed out the flap I nearly tripped over something left there... I crouched down and looked at it..seemed to be somekind of comb.. I wonder who would have left this and why.. judging by the way it was left.. I figured it must have been Asria.. When I see her again I will give it back... it probably holds sentimental value to her. I would feel ackward accepting it.. Now have I done anything to warrant a gift..

Well its time to get the day going.. I have much to take care of today.. and I wanted to get a head start on the move north.. so its off to check the wagons of the elderly..

In Honor

Once of the first encounters I had with the Ubar Bat'ar was a little odd.. and each time after that somehow he would bring up painting my face blue.. Perhaps he was teasing perhaps not.. but I do not know any other way to show my honor and sadness to him than by painting half my face blue.. just a very pale blue.. with some water and paint. mostly so it comes off easy... I will wear this for one day.. in honor of his memory.. Even if I do spend the day at the clan fires..

I am not sure what else I was able to do.. Those that were closest to Cana of course would gather around her. But she is a strong woman.. confident.. she will carry this burden with ease..or appear to.. because thats what an Ubara does... In my eyes she will always be the Ubara.

3 Vulos and Another Verr.. Oh my!

I had just finished 6 pair of boots for a woman of the outerwagons... Skies she had 6boys.. and was expecting another child... I had fun with the kids...measuring their feet and teasing them.. telling them a story or two but now their boots were done.

I told her not to worry about giving me anything.. but as I was leaving one of the older boys, followed me with 3 vulo and a young verr.. As I looked behind me he was grinning.. You look good from behind Yamka.. I had to smirk. he was all of 12 summers old.. already checking out the backends of women... So he followed me back and then headed home once the animals were in their places..

So now.. I have 12 bosk for 2 wagons.. a baby male bosk.. 5 verr and 3 vulo... I am set.. for something just not sure what.

The Task

Kam had given me a task to do to prepare for the move North.. I did not understand everything that he and Tarra spoke about. and I did not need to.. he told me to prepare all the hides I could find.. And so..I took that task to heart.. and stayed close to the clan fires working quietly.

I knew it would soon be time to start getting the wagons ready.. making sure tarps were fixed and checking the reins.. anything leather was our responsibility.. I began with my own wagon. and found that the leather band had come loose of the back wheel.. I spent a great deal of the day trying to fix it.. but I was not strong enough. . Later that night at the fires Teng offered to help.. and inexchange for helping his mate with their son.. I said sure... I had his son with him some part of the day.. He seemed very interested in one of he baby verr... but he was not trouble to watch over and I actually had a good time..

It was abit sad to see his mother come get him.. but that is where he belongs. and I had alot of work to still do.. I had Seve's vest nearly done.. just a few little touches here and there..From the outside it looked like a plain brown vest. that is until you opened it.. I took ribbons of the same color as the skirt.. and sewed them on the inside edges of the vest.. some might see a splash of color when she walked but really the color was for her..

My mother had been settled into her wagons. but she slept in mine the 1st few nights.. We did not talk about my father.. She had been with him a very long time.. I knew no matter she loved him and would miss him.. But I did not broach the subject with her.. not yet... She needed time... no one really said anything that he was dead.. My brothers knew I think.. men seem to gossip more than women sometimes.. but I do not think even they knew for sure.. No matter which way you cut it. he had vanished from site.. A part of me was sad that I had not really known him as he was to my mother.

But it was nice to have her close.. I missed talking to someone that would not interject their own veiw into my questions.. it was nice to have someone that would not judge me just sit and listen.. I think I filled her head with so much she just fell asleep.. She is not ready to mix with those of the 1st fires yet.. She is content to visit her friends at the outerwagons.. but at least she is close to me again... I need that as much as she does. I avoided the fires today.. I just did not need the tension that seems to fill me when I am there sometimes.. not always.. I guess it depends on who is there.. There are many times I feel like an outsider looking in again... some sit and whisper to each other.. or give looks.. Sme just outrite ignore you... Its their loss I suspose.. I belong there I fought for my place and no one can keep me from it.I just sat on my step. worn out.. frustrated and very very sleepy... but the stars were out.. and calling me.. as I headed for the herds and my knoll of soft grass.

Sitting on the Knoll

I had taken the basket of snacks with me.. and rode out to my favorite spot on all the plains.. my grassy knoll... I would let Cloud prance around with his new blue tailbow.. as I drew my knees up and draped my arms around them... resting my chin against the soft backs of my hands.. and I would watch everything around me. Once in a while I would lift my face to catch a dance on a cloud.. as I let my thoughs drift from one thing to another.. I did not know if I would see that warrior or not... but I was content where I was.. I had water and food.. and the company of bosk and the sounds of the plains..

I had made honey cakes.. and bosk rolls, ramberry tarts.. I took fresh bread and cheese with me.. and a few botas of water.. I was set for however long I decided to stay out here.

Mostly I chastised myself for allowing feelings to get in the way of my thoughts.. So what if he was invited to a dinner.. its none of my business what he does.. Yet I let her get to me. I guess sometimes we can not help feeling our hands are tied.. but I would work through this just as I have done before.. You have to create a mindset... you have to make up your mind to let the cold water rush off your back instead of trying to swim in the much... I chuckled at myself... for getting upset over nothing. Maybe I was getting older.. I don't know really.. I released my knees and leaned back to watch the stars... Another favorite thing I do when out here alone.. I was one winking at me.. it gave me hope

The Hunt

Oh man.. I am gonna catch that bird.. He has my brush!... Mezoo was right it was a magpie and he had been sitting on top of the wagon next to mine.. I bet it was just wating to come and steal something else.. but I did not have anything else for him to take.. soooo I set up a trap. yes I did.. allll around my wagons.. I put shiny nails... dug right into the ground.. and when he went for one I was gonna get him with a dung sack and give him to a commander to take care of.. cause I just want to find the rest of my things.

I was pretty patient.. well sorta patient.. well to be honest not very patient at all.. as I sat under my wagon just waiting... I had that dung bag all ready to go too.... I was gonna catch him.. then I thought.. hmm.. If I catch him then I won;t know where my things are.. so.. I decided to get my things back first then catch him... I had to abandon the dung sack for now... I whistled as I sat down on my step.. pretending not to see that blasted bird flying from one wagon to another.. and then I saw it.. A nest.. it was right on top of the ubars biggest wagon.. I bet my brush and things are there.... I am gonna have to get on top of that wagon.. and get into that nest and get my things... I will get Seve to help me.. :nods: yes thats what I will do... She can distract the bird while I climb up there and find my things...

I will catch her next time I see her...

Not Again

I know I am not very good with warriors.. I do not know how to flirt.. or bat my eyes.. or do the silly things some women do to get their attention.. I end up staring or saying something really stupid.. And some take advantage of my downfalls.. and well.. I feel its here we go again.

Now that I can sit back and look at the only experience I have had I realize that it was my own fault.. I was carrying my heart on my sleeve.. I swore then I would not do that again.. But really what I thought was love was really just going to be a very strong friendship.. which is what it was meant to be all along.. but this. this is different... So much more different..

I don't know what to do.. I don't know what to say.. I am frustrated that I don't know what to do... I am scared my lack of knowledge will make him think that I am not worth the time.. I am scared that this is the path my life will take.. always fearful of stepping out and taking a chance.. I am scared that if I take that step I will look more nervous than I really am..

All I can do is be myself.. and hope that he can see inside and maybe just maybe he might want to find out more..

How Do I Feel?

As if things were not tense enough.. a visit from one of my brothers.. only confused me more... he said our father was missing... I knew. I knew at that moment what had happened.. and it was my doing... On my hand my heart was sad, yet on another I was relieved.. I could walk freely again.. never to look over my shoulder to see if he was there.. No more beatings or whippings.. Such a freedom came with such a high price..

I laid there on my furs.. Sad for many reasons tonight.. feeling a bit daunted by the various emotions running through my thoughts.. this would weight heavily on me for a while.. Did I regret it? No... but he was my father.. regardless of his past years actions.. I did have some feelings for him.. it was then I heard my name... it was my fathers voice.. I must be hearing things... but I listened..

"You know I never wanted you.. a daughter.. but you grew on me... I did not know how to deal with a young wiley girl.." Now at this point I figured it was the milk I drank before I went to bed.. I do not do voices in the head... I am not very good at those things.. "Never regret what you did.. It was the right thing.. I could no longer control the rage.. and know this.. I never meant to hurt you" I wanted to scream but you did.. you hurt me many times.... but since I did not believe I heard him.. and just listened..

His last words were to take care of my mother.. of which I would....

Now I do not know if this was the wind.. my mind playing tricks on me or was it really him.. Either way.. I felt a large ball of pressure just lift from my heart..

Yes he was my father... sometime in my life I did love him... but I knew I had done the right thing.. No child should ever have to do this, no child should have the burden of death on their shoulders.... but tribe above all... echos inside my brain..

A Visit to Cana

I had her saddles done.. and I wanted to take them to her.. I knew she had been sick.. and everyone was worried.. and I wanted to see for myself...So off I went with the two girls saddles.. my butterfly marks on each one.

Rook was there.. and I asked if maybe I could see her for just a minute.. Cause I needed to explain the saddles to her. Even if she was not really awake.. maybe she would hear me anyway.. I don;t know about these things. but heck it was worth a try right?

He smiled and let me pass...I could see her laying there. barely nothing. and it broke my heart in two... so I pulled myself up by the back of my britches.. and stood over her..

Ok Cana I got these saddles down for you.. But you have to be the one to show the girls how to use them.. and You have to be the one that teaches them all you know about riding.. So now its time to get up.. and brush yourself off.. and move on with your life.. I know you are hurting. and I bet you think if you just lay there long enough you will find B.. but thats not gonna happen.. Your just dreaming cause your mind is hurting along with your heart.. You have 6 babies here all needing their Mama... You want Ayg to raise them? :if anything that should at least make her stir:

Whatever has a hold of you does because you are letting it.. Where is that tuchuk spirit.. tell it to go to hell and leave you alone.. You have more important things to do... So.. I will expect you to be at the pens in the morning... with these two new saddles.. and I will bring the babies... :her hands on her hips as she fought back the desire to cry.. : Please Cana.. :she whispered: come home...

I turned around and left the wagon.. and looked at Rook.. thank you for giving me a little time.. The old warrior nodded.. and went back inside to wait for either a healer or spex to get there..

Hey Who Took My Brush!

I must be getting adsent minded lately.. I know I left my brush on the chest in my wagon... along with some beads I pulled out for Mezoo. and a few other trinkets I was saving for my chest. And now they are missing..

Now I know and you know that no one would enter someones wagon without permission.. and I know I did not take them out.. so where the heck are they. I looked around for clues, but alas.. nothing.. not even a footprint outside my wagon other than my own and that of my baby bosk and the verr..

I am gonna have to scour the camp.. you can not miss my brush. its pretty beat up.. I have had it since I was a little girl... its handle is worn down.. and the bristles are getting shorter.. but its mine.. it was my mothers and her mothers.. so its very old.. and not much of a brush.. more for sentimental value.. And the beads.. they were different... odd shapes that I thought maybe Mezoo could use for something.. and there was an old silver shiny thing.. Fonce called it a coin... and a tine from Turia... I was gonna save them to trade with next time we go to Turia.. and now they are missing... Who would want them anyway... so little of value..

Maybe one of my brothers took them to play a trick on me.. thats it.. making me think i am going crazy!... its driving me crazy.. .. I will be on the hunt now for my things..

I will keep my eye on things.. someone has them.. I am gonna find them..

Lance.. the baby bosk

Tarra gave me a baby male bosk for making the skirt... I was shocked but happy just the same.. My herd is growing.. well kinda anyway... I kept him tied to my wagon for a few days.. until his snoring got the better of me.. and I took him out to be with my brothers herd..

Now I had to think of a name... As I watch the ornery cuss try to push his way into the little group of females. I had to chuckled.. of course.. it fit.. Lance.. his name would be Lance... I would enjoy watching him grow and come into his own..

Wait til I tell Seve what I named him... woooo she is gonna just die.. I just know it... Lance.. yep it fits

A Empty Shell of Nothing?

Is this how I am seen?

Those words echo through my thoughts.. how come someone, who does not know me.. even think that? Hurtful words.. for no reason.. I am not an empty shell of nothing. I have so much inside that when I am with my friends it spills over... in everything I do.. my work.. my life my family and my friends.. I am not sad either.. I am a very happy person.. just because I do not bubble and sqeak constantly does not mean I am sad.. not all the time. everyone has moments of sadness.. its a part of life. it builds your character.. it gives you the will to move on..

Just because I do not need a man to lift and tote for me.. or to help me with my wagons... Or speak to when I am frustrated. does not make me any less a woman.. I like to wear ribbons.. I like to smell pretty. I just do not flaunt it.. I do not as I say squeak everytime a warrior looks my way... Do I wish to be mated.. of course. eventually... and have babies.. and all the other things... but I would rather chase the wind than chase after a warrior.. You might as well dress me up in robes and throw a veil over my lips.. because thats what city women do.. When the time is right. and the warrior is right. it will all fall into place.. I do not place my life on hold to wait for a warrior.. We are much to busy.. life on the plains is not a pampered life.. it can be cruel.. and harsh.. you have to be able to withstand many hardships...that come with the joy of our way our living.

All my life my father beat me.. for not being exactly what he wanted.. I still live and because of it.. I can handle probably more than some. When my friend Seve.. submitted, my brothers told me Father thought it had been me.. thats what he expects of women.. that is his veiwpoint.. it is not mine..

I have so much more to offer the tribe.. and each day.. I plod along.. taking care of what is in my power to do. I am a strong tuchuk woman. I know my place.. I know what I want.... and I will wait for it... not chase it til it runs away... If Tasco is not that warrior.. then it will be another.. When his heart finds mind.. we will both know...

So if you find me an empty shell.. then you have not opened me.. and looked to see whats inside... I think you will be surprised..

Becareful of Warriors Lances.. and Ribbon Stealers

I was standing at the rail talking to Cloud.. I find animals have a better view of whats going on than we do sometimes.. he would listen and not put his two cents in.. except for a kiss or two.. I have curbed my feelings for warriors for a while now.. its been almost an year since I told Ayg how I felt and he told me.. ok sounds good. lets be friends... I am happy he has found someone.. really I am.. although you would think the way some tip toe around it. I am a bomb ready to explode... It just shows that some do not know me at all.. Anyway.. I was telling Cloud about a few things.. when Seve. limped her way over.. While my beast gives me slobber kisses. hers tries to take a bite..

So we were talking about things.. and Tasco came up.. I was telling her how he shoved his lance near my head.. she got the oddest look on her face. and actually looked mad.. For some reason she tried to change the subject.. and mention that Fonce as her to hold his lance.. Well I blinked over that.. Hold his lance? and that he used it for support sometimes.. Wow... now that was a visual... I tried to shake that out of my mind when she kept going on.. and then as if we both had some magical lightbulb go off.. she stopped.. Wait.. are we talking about the same thing?

We both started to laugh.. we both thought we were talking about his um. man lance.. certainly not their weapons.. although I am sure they can be used as weapons.. in this case its not what we meant... I swear i nearly peed my britches as we laughed..

I guess old Cloud figured while we were doubled over.. he was gonna take advantage of that and latched on to Seves braid . and ran off with her blue ribbon. I watched him prance around with that ribbon in his mouth.. Like hey look at me. see what I got..

We both chased after him.. Seve got her ribbon back but it was in poor shape.. chewed up... slobber was dripping off it.. She tried to wash it off but to no avail. and the damn beast ended up getting to keep the ribbon anyway.. I wonder if that was his plan all along..

Ah so it is with with Lances and blue ribbons.. and the beasts they are tied to..

Death of a Warrior

Finally it was over..

I thought when my brothers came they would tell me my father was gone.. but it was not him.. It was the elder that had lost his mate.. I was upset cause I had not been there.. but I suspose I can not be everywhere.. My brothers said they had all gone over to help him with some rocks.. and he just quietly gave out... I suspose his heart just stopped beating... They are going to set up the pyre and gather his family.. I will miss the old man.. He had many good stories still left inside him.. now he can tell those that passed before him..

I was glad my brothers were with him.. No one should die alone.. someone should be there to hold your hand.. to say its ok... to shed a tear... I will have to find his sons and see if there is anything I can do to help...

These Boots were made for What?

I had Silkens old boots.. boy these things had seen some life.. if they could only talk.. what adventures they could tell about.... I fixed them up for her.. put a new heel on them.. and sewed up and patched what I could.. they still had alot of life in them..

But she asked for a new pair as well... and.. so as I sat there and thought of Silken, I could not just make her a pair of boots. I had to MAKE her a pair of BOOTS.. one the when she wore them she felt well.. like rockin a wagon... :grins: Yeah I know she is pretty old.. but heck.. she deserves something rocking..

So.. I took a light hide. and dye it red.. yes I said red.. and let it dry.. then softened it up with a good coating of bosk grease. Over the hand or so. I worked that grease into the leather.. til it was workable... and then using her old pair as a pattern.. I made her these awesome. boots that go right to her knees...red.. plain red... thats all she needed... yep.. just some red boots.

The Skirt

Tarra had asked me to creat a skirt of the plains... with the colors and feel of our life.. I did not want to sew differnt patches together.. but wanted it to flow with the ebbs and tides of our lives..

So I took one piece of leather and bleached it out til it was white.. and let it cure with a coat of bosk grease... working it everyday with my hands until it was as soft as well.. it was soft..

Then I took the various dyes.. and began to work them into the leather.. I began with an almost violet color.. if you catch the steam at the right moment. when the sun stikes it at the brightest time of the day.. the water almost looked that color... Swirling it around the edge of the skirt... then working the sky with its blue.. our grass that shade of green that makes you feel cool even when the sweat runs down your face.. golden yellow for the sun... that gives us light.. and warmth.. during the day.. and orange for that romantic color it glows at night.. that makes our fires dance... and finally red.. for our fires that rise high in the nights sky.. for the blood spilt into the grass...to keep us safe from any outside influences..

As I lifted the skirt.. and looked at it... it was what I wanted.. how I saw the plains.. the colors.. it was bright.. it was full of life.. it was the plains..

Another Pair of Magic Boots..

These were special boots for a special boy that I had just met with his sister and I am not sure what the warrior is. a friend? He seems much more... but anyway.. He wanted boots like this warriors... but everyone should have their own boots.. and walk their own path... he was going to be a special warrior one day.. I could see it in his actions and the way he was being raised.. And so.. these boots were made for just him.. not like anyone elses..

Leather dyed black... sewn with double stitches for an active boy.. I carved out a patteren then filled it with a bleach so it would dye out the black to a gray color.. His pattern... and then I set to on the step to look at.. the patterns were an exact match on each boot... taking my oily rag.. I placed a very thin coat of oil. and buffed it deep into the leather..... in a few days I will find this young warrior. and present his boots to him..

Keeping busy

My days are filled with work and taking care of the elders.. Yes, even though I have made it to the cirlce of the Ubars fires.. I still watch over those funny and loving elderly of our tribe..

I have several project going.. Making Tugs boots.. the saddles for the little girls.. A skirt for Tarra.. and boots for 6th Son. I like to keep busy... There is so much going on around me...

Ash has claimed Silken... I think it will be good for her.. I hope anyway.. The Warrior Hanse also claimed his woman.. I was surprised that Ayg has not done the same yet.. A part of me hopes it will happen soon.. as that will maybe help.

I am in no hurry to mate.. but of course like any other woman I would like to feel a strong warriors embrace.. but hey if it does not happen so be it.. with 7 brothers I am sure there will be lots of babies around eventually..

I need to find and speak to Fonce.. concerning a matter of my father.. On my way to measure 6th sons feet for his new boots, my father found me.... I should have used more common sense.. but I didn't I felt confident over the Ubar's words. I manage get lose before he could really hurt me.. but the edge of his hand caught just the corner of my eye.. I ran like the wind was chasing me.. til I came to the weavers wagon.. She gave me some tea.. but I had distrubed her evening.. and apolgized and left.. heading for the stream...

As I was playing catch with a fish.. a warrior.. Tasco came up suddendly.. and once again the words flowed from my brain and just spurted out of my mouth.. I don't think he was anger.. as he kinda smirked and smiled.. I thought perhaps I should just give up.. and headed to my wagons..

Yet my life is colorful.. even alone in my thoughts.. I can see the colors..